A Risky Business

This is the follow on post to Staying Focussed where I said that I was in a dilemma as to whether I continue down the path I am on, or veer either to the left or to the right. I don’t know whether to continue to split my focus between both blog and work, or channel my energies into one, as to really grow in either direction, I will have to give that area my focus. The whole line of thought concerns my professional life versus my private blog life and the elements of risk which limit what I can achieve. It is not really about my relationship or my commitment to a D/s lifestyle, although that has become inextricably linked with what I do online.

I have made no secret of the fact that I am taking a risk being online and revealing what I do. I know that I am not alone in that, and there is a lot of understanding and sympathy amongst the sex blogging community, for those who require anonymity. Essentially, if the content of my blog was ever linked to me in a professional capacity, I could lose my job. I don’t think this is fair but it is a fact and the risk I take does not sit will with me. I can have periods of anxiety and paranoia about it, despite taking a number of precautions which should make me safer.

I have rationalised the risk and upped my safety, but the anxiety remains. It also puts a block and barriers on what I can achieve online through my blog and also with The SafeworD/s Club.  My blog brings out the creative imaginative side of me, but I observe limits to the sort of content I can create. While I could practise the may as well be hung a sheep as a lamb ideology, I stick instead with the risk management and deniability model. Looking around me, I see this as a limit to my growth. I am in a crowd of people who thrive on the thrill of risk, who are motivated to push boundaries, who want to make changes for themselves and for others. To grow I will have to take risks, and push boundaries, and make changes.

As an illustration of the crossover between my two worlds, and a little touch of irony, I am going to use a current model from one, to evaluate the effectiveness of the other: inwards, outwards, forwards.

Looking inwards at my blog, I have achieved what I set out to do. My aim was to share my story, my life as a submissive wife, in the hope that others could learn something from my experience. I also wanted to connect with others through my writing and, by sharing, also learn something from them.  This is my 547th published post about my life and my experience as a married submissive. Looking at my stats, a lot of my visitors come via a web search, with only a small number coming from social media. I have a couple of great referrers and there is also a bit of traffic from the memes when I take part in them. I assume this would be typical for most blogs but I really am not sure. What is does tell me is that people find me when they are looking for information about D/s and submission, which is what I set out to write about.

Looking outwards is necessary in order to see how other similar sites are doing. This is hard as many of the sex blogging sites are less specific than mine. This makes me wonder if what I need to do is to broaden things out. I was delighted to be ranked number 22 in Molly’s Top 100 Sex Blogs list this year, but I also realise that my content is probably too specific and too samey to be able to be ranked much higher than I was this time. So how do I grow?  I have dabbled in photography and in fiction, but what I want to do is to write reflectively as that is what I enjoy and the purpose of my blog. It doesn’t bother me that I am doing something different but it does make it hard to see where to grow and how to take things forward.

Many of the popular writers I know are writing with a view to making a living, or a part-living, and that is not something that I can really do. I have a job already and can’t give it up, or reduce my hours in order to be more successful at this. The other thing I notice is that many of the others are pushing boundaries, often in areas where things are risky for me already. I would love to post more daring images, produce more taboo writing and discuss more controversial subject matter, but I hang back, thinking of damage limitation – if it does happen at least I will be hung as a lamb and not as a sheep. Little comfort really, but then details are what would be focussed on, if it came to that.

So looking forwards, can I really grow?  Can I do what I need to do to build on what I have started?  Without upping my risk, I am not sure I can. While my output is fairly high, I would need to increase that to appear in other places as well, and I am not sure that would be possible. The same is true really of my professional life. In order to grow there, I would need to spend time there that I do not have. I already struggle to juggle work and home life with such a time consuming hobby and I think things would be far too stretched, were I to try to progress my career whilst also at the same time maintaining the status quo with my blog, The SWC and Tell Me About. I work an average of 50 hours a week and spend about 25 hours writing and doing admin for the sites we have. I spend about 38 hours sleeping which leaves around 66 hours for everything else.

So here I am at the three pronged fork my road, wondering where to go and whether to change direction. Which door do I walk through? Time is always good at showing the way and, whilst I have thought about this, and taken some action in some areas, I haven’t given things time to really unfold yet. None of this changes who I am and none of this can stop what I choose to do in and with my private life, so giving up this lifestyle is not part of the question, although it would alter some of the way it works for us. My issue is that by making my private life public due to my internet presence, I put limits and constraints on what I can achieve in one, and the risks that I take in the other.

Posted in Submissive Journal and tagged , , , .


  1. Such a strong post.
    It hit me a few days ago, I couldn’t share my blog posts, as the real me. The combination of trauma history and d/s (keep lower case) makes it our own “burden”.
    I do hope you find your way through
    Swirly ?

    • Thank you for understanding and for commenting. I do think a lot of us are in the same boat and see it as one of those things. I am not wrestling against it like I did for a while, more considering my options which is not a bad situation to be in ?

  2. I guess it depends on your aims…. and I can only speak for myself here… but I simply don’t care about my blogs stats. People read what they read, sure I’m sometimes disappointed not to be included in the “top 100” lists but at the same time that passes… the meme roundups tend to feature the same bloggers week on week (often the professionally trained photographers) so I stopped worrying about that too.. I write what I want, when I want, and only do memes if I have something to say on the topic. I don’t put pressure on the blog or myself in this area… it’s transitory… I use the measure “Will this matter 1 or 5 or 10 years from now?” Chances are the answer will be no.

    I know your personality is such that you like to do extremely well at everything you do, and that you put a lot of pressure on yourself to be excellent- I also think you put very high standards on yourself which (in my opinion) causes you unnecessary stress….

    Only you can make the decision on this, but I ask you… you have an amazing blog “as it is” do you really need to push it forward if the way you do it now is the what you intended it to be- a resource for others, a factual and real blog sharing your thoughts and experiences?” Who says you have to constantly move forward? Who says you have to post every week?

    You can do anything you want to but make sure you’re doing it for you and not because you think you should or must xxxx

    • Thank you sweet. I get what you are saying. I think what I am doing is evaluating what I do get from it. And I like to be growing and moving forward. I am not sure I have too much more to add as a resource and sometimes feel I am going over the same things again and again. I think this is more about the choices I might make in my professional life at the moment and the knock on effect that will have. I have always felt a little torn between two worlds with my job and my writing and I am at another of those junctions. It’s not so much about doing well in others’ eyes and more about where I want to go for me ?

  3. ⤴️
    What the lady said – except I don’t know you very well, yet.

    I’m choosing my words carefully, I hate stepping on eggshells. There is a lot to be said for being a new voice.
    And for the rest?
    One of you could easily start a “new bloggers list” ?
    My blog has evolved a lot since starting. The content of mine has kept me anonymous.

    Good luck and congratulations for you both having outstanding blogs and to you both forever consistency, integrity, fairness and knowing the difference

    • Don’t worry about eggshells around me. I think this needs to be a forum where people can be honest about their thoughts and opinions.

      I wasn’t meaning to undermine any blogging list either. I value the feedback I have had from others and was more thinking about my direction and using those around me to get a sense of where I am if that makes sense. Molly is very clear about the criteria she uses and I respect her as a strong voice within the sex blogging community.

      I hope it didn’t come across as if I wasn’t pleased with my blog as that isn’t the case. I am really proud of what I have done. My dilemma is whether I want to focus more on my career or on my hobby if that makes sense.

        • Indeed. And thank you for taking the time to comment and engage in discussion. That is one of the things that I love about being here ?

  4. As you know, I am in a similar situation to you. Were I to be found out, I would likely be fired as well. And yet my blog is a part of me now. I show pics but none of faces ( or at least full faces). I tell of my life, but you would have to know us intimately to have any idea of who we are. In other words I think I maintain plausible deniability! I really think you do as well.
    I’m involved with my job and spend many hours unpaid because I believe in what I’m doing! But at a certain point you must say, “enough!” “I need a life free from work!”
    Just saying…

    • That is true. I guess I just turning things over. I know a new job would mean a new challenge so it’s a case of working out which I do. Thank you as always for your support. ?

  5. I could basically have written this post word for word. I live this same reality. And it is hard. I love writing, but as I don’t get paid for it and can’t risk quitting my real job to pursue it, I have to keep writing as a hobby. And sometimes that means it gets put on the back burner first. But writing is intrinsically connected to my passion and without it I lose touch with my creativity and my libido takes a crash. Not good for my relationship. It is a very real conundrum.

    • Thank you. It probably isn’t good that you feel the same but it also feels good that it isn’t just me. Thanks for your support ?

  6. In your professional life you look after others, going beyond the call of duty. In your private life you help others by supporting a valuable resource to others, plus the SWC, plus the tell me about meme. You have helped so many others, myself included maybe it is time to think about what is best for you.

    “what I want to do is to write reflectively as that is what I enjoy”, do this, if it is what you enjoy. It doesn’t have to be so regular that don’t have time for anything else. Think about what makes you happy because you have done so much already.

    • Aww thank you PS. You are so kind. I get a lot from the things I do. Just need to make a few decisions about direction and where everything fits. ?

  7. There’s a lot to be recognised here in the private vs public dilemma and how one can jeopardise the other.

    The balancing of priorities in a desire to grow and move forward is a tough one, especially when you feel that a compromise doesn’t serve either terribly well.

    I think my journey is in the opposite direction to you. I no longer have much interest in a career that for thirty years took 80 hours or more per week. The only thing left is to continue to get paid and have regular pension contributions. So I still have to maintain that deep separation in order to preserve a safe setting for work.

    I hope you come to the right conclusion for you and where you need to be.

    melody xx

    • Thank you melody for a helpful comment. I am wondering if I should do the same or change direction. ?

  8. Ditto to PS and Sweet. And I agree you need more margin in your life and less pressure (based on your hours breakdown). Take care of yourself. ?

    • Thanks QH. I think I came over wrong as I am not feeling the pressure. It was simply a breakdown and an accounting of where my hours go and a lot go into my hobby. I am thinking about the direction I want to take next. ?

  9. I can’t say more than Sweet has – I think she nailed it all there – I don’t pay much attention to my stats either or if i am on google pages – I know what i want to write and I write it – u need less pressure – that’s all i can say really xx

    • Thanks May. I don’t pay much attention to my stats either and don’t understand analytics. What I do know is that most views come through a search which means I am discoverable for the subject I am writing about which is what I set out to do. Less pressure lol. But maybe I like pressure? ?

  10. Indeed it is a risky business, but like Michael said it is a part of us. I wouldn’t be anywhere near as happy as I am in this area of my life without this blog, I’d have too much anxiety and shame surrounding kinks and the like. Bloggers like yourself have really helped myself and others, like PS said ?
    Unfortunately it is a risk with other occupations (I’m freelance now but will be looking for a 2nd more mainstream job after my MA) and it is a concern I’ve been having more often as well of somehow being linked. That being said, I try to take the approach of ‘well I have nothing to be ashamed of here. I know who I am.’ but that’s more difficult to say if someone terminates your position or makes you redundant.
    But like you said in your post, you take the precautions you need for anonymity and safety and when it comes down to it, that’s all we can do.
    You’ll be ok ? Keep going and don’t forget to take some time for yourself to recharge ? x

    • Thank you for your kind words and encouragement. I am glad that you are finding a way to make your writing work for you. It’s great that you have an outlet and it also compliments your studies. Boo to serious work! ?

  11. I can totally understand where you are coming from, and in the end you are the only one who can make the decision as to what is good for you, and what would work for you. I just want to say one thing: you can make it higher up on Molly’s list, even to the top notch, because you have a blog which has a lot of information and helps others, and you put out high quality writing. Even if you would blog less, you still can make it to the top.

    As for stats: I wouldn’t worry about those too much. You will almost never get a hit from me from social media, as I follow all links from email and I have no idea how they show up on the stats then. Maybe others are doing the same. I know this just works for me.

    Like I said, Missy, you are the only one who can decide where to go, but I would hate to see you disappear from the blogging world.

    Rebel xox

    • Thank you so much Marie for such encouragement. It really means a lot especially from someone I admire so much ❤️

  12. I love your writing. Even though I am not active in the lifestyle, your writing speaks to me personally about my life and what I am dealing with. It makes me connect with an anonymous individual who feels what I feel, who struggles with the same things I struggle with and it makes me realize my day to day isn’t any different than any other women trying to balance all the things going on in our lives. Thank you for allowing me to read yoru thoughts and feelings and helping me work though those struggles.

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