Natural submissive

Is it better to be a natural submissive?

To what extent are you a natural submissive?

What is a natural submissive?

This one is a bit of a can of worms, and I do love opening those online as they so often lead to very good discussion. The idea of the natural submissive as the ultimate parter is presented in many a forum, as is the idea that being a natural submissive is the ultimate personal goal for anyone choosing to adopt the label. But what does it actually mean or involve, and why do we see that as being better than submission which might not come as naturally?

Well, I think I need to start by saying that I don’t see it as such. I am not sure what a natural submissive really is. For some I guess they see it as being someone who submits naturally in all things and to all people, but surely that sort of definition should be applied to a person who has a naturally submissive personality. To me that is a very different thing that someone who is a submissive or someone who is submissive in some areas or to some people.

Nouns and adjectives

According to wikipedia Dominance and submission is “a set of behaviours, customs, and rituals involving the submission of one person to another in an erotic episode or lifestyle.“ Within that, a submissive (noun) is the name given to someone who chooses to submit to a Dominant partner as part of a power exchange. This can be on a variety of levels and cover a variety of areas (not just sex). This differs from someone who is described as being submissive (adjective) because they allow themselves to be controlled by other people.

Someone who is a submissive person may choose to enter a power exchange and submit to another person on that level. Someone who is not a submissive person can choose to do the same. Conversely, someone who is a submissive person need not be in a power exchange or BDSM relationship at all, but they could still be submissive. I suppose what I am saying is that, in my opinion, a submissive is someone who makes the choice to submit within a D/s power exchange.

So basically, a submissive can have a submissive personality or not. It would make no difference and, in my opinion, for what it is worth, one is not better than the other. In fact, as someone who does not have a submissive personality, or a Dominant one for that matter, I would argue that to submit it a great thing. It is a choice to be in a relationship where I bend my own will to that of my husband, and it shows the level of desire and commitment that I have to our dynamic that I make that choice when it isn’t always my natural default.

But back to my reflection

After that long round about I come back to my original question. To what extent am I a natural submissive? I know that it is in my nature to submit in a sexual sense. I have never taken the lead in the bedroom and I honestly think that I never will. It is like I can’t. In fact, it is a struggle even to express thoughts about what I would like because, at the time, they don’t come to mind. My thoughts are much more responsive than directive and, while, I can take the top role if asked by HL, it is not something I would do naturally.

In fact, on the occasions it has happened and been his request, I felt that it was more of a mental thing than a physical one for me. I was focussed on pleasing him and doing what I thought he would like, so my pleasure was dependent on his, more for a job well done, rather than it being a sexual pleasure. Even in vanilla relationships, my default was to submit and follow the lead of the other person, rarely focussing on what I wanted myself. As a result, sex was good, but nothing like the headspace that HL takes me to by dominating me.

My working world

In my life outside of HL, I am not submissive, but neither am I dominant. I don’t want to lead but will assume that role if no one else does and success depends on it. At work I fight tirelessly for those I advocate for and can be a force to be reckoned with, although my style is much more calm and persuasive than it is forceful and in your face. I wait my turn, listening and watching, and then come in with an argument that is loaded with the emotive language I can use to turn situations to my advantage.

I lead much more by necessity than by choice, and there is usually someone else at the centre of my fight, if that is what it takes. I think I would be seen as a strong person: competant and capable, well organised and creative, understanding and empathetic; more someone you can trust and rely on than someone you fall into line with, although in some situations that would be required. When it is, I find it hard. I don’t like to judge and push my decisions onto others. I would much rather discuss and problem solve to find a solution.

Triggers to a submissive side

In some, non-bedroom situations, a submissive side does come to the fore, but this is usually as a result of a feeling that I am being dominated. This can be situational, because I feel vulnerable in some sense, but it can also be determined by the person I am with. For the most part, these have been dominant males who seem to send me squidgy and turn me into a sort of excited and shaky entity who will follow their instructions without really thinking about it.

This has got me into trouble in the past and I have done things I didn’t really want to because I fell into this headspace. I recognise now that some people can trigger my submissive self, but for many years, I just couldn’t explain what or why. It isn’t that this happens with all dominant males either. I have met enough to know, and also responded to something in others who weren’t even in a D/s role. It is a feeling I get from some people, and it makes me wary because of the vulnerability it brings about in me.

So am I a natural submissive?

Really, I don’t think that this makes me a natural submissive as such. I think it just means that I am submissive, and will respond to being dominated in some contexts and by some people. With HL it is different. Submission is a choice and something that I have chosen because I trust him and know that he will keep me safe. He can arouse that vulnerability within me, but at other times, submission is something that I do because I want to and he wants me to and we have chosen to live in a power exchange dynamic because it works well for us.

I don’t think any of this makes me more, or less, of a submissive then the next sub. Neither does it make me better, or less good, than them. It is simply how I am, and so, after 10 years of submitting to HL, I don’t think it matters if you are naturally submissive or not, whatever that even means. What matters is that you want to be a submissive and you want to submit on the levels and in the areas that you have agreed are part of your own power exchange.

This post is part of a series of reflective posts about submission and I am responding to the Tell Me About prompts. To read more of my posts in this category click here, or hit the badge to see the prompts and find out who else is reflecting along with me.

Posted in Submissive Journal, Submissive Reflection and tagged , , , .


  1. Another beautiful post missy. Great explanation about natural submissives and how or if it affects a D/s relationship. I’m really enjoying the Submissive Reflection prompts.

    • Thanks CSP – I look forward to reading your posts too. We all have different views and different explanations which is what makes it interesting for me. Missy x

  2. Another great post! Thank you, Missy.
    Turning the topic on its head, I would ask if there is such a thing as an “unnatural” submissive, even in the case of people who are not submissive in their “day-to-day” life. Why would anyone enter into a D/s relationship from the right side of the slash if they had to force themselves to do so? (Of course, internal hurdles related to one’s upbringing or fears, e.g., might have to be overcome, but it wouldn’t follow that submission would then not be something one is drawn to “naturally.”) Would it even be possible to force oneself to be submissive? Wouldn’t one just be going through the motions? I can imagine that some women in particular may feel (or be) socially or culturally compelled to submit to a male partner, for instance, but I tend to believe that true submission must be free, in the same way that moral decisions can only be truly moral if one is free to make them or not.
    In short, and I could be completely wrong about this, I would tend to think that one has to be naturally submissive to want to submit, but that the extent and manifestation of the submission is not “natural,” but is a deliberate decision one makes and refines over time.

    • That is really interesting Elle and you have got me thinking. I am never sure about the semantics as it’s always open to interpretation. I think I can from the angle that I have two different types of submission – one where it’s a conscious choice and another which lies beyond that where it seems to happens on a subconscious level. Of course, there is always the desire to submit in the first place, which must be there for it to be consensual. Lots of food for thought ….. xx

  3. Missy this is a good topic and read. Yes we all submit differently but there is no need to complete or feel like one way is better than other. There are different subs just like there are different Doms. Some Doms will seek and enjoy a sub who is a challenge while another wants one who follows suit more easily. Love this…

    • Thanks Vixen. I guess with submission, being the right sort of submissive for your Dominant is what is important, but personalities have to be part of that. I think it differs if you have found your partner as a Dom as you enter that relationship on the basis of Dom and sub whereas for HL and I we were partners long before that. We were attracted to each other as people first and there was no D/s there. Those parts of us have been cultivated and woven though what we already had and it was important not to lose those things that worked well and attracted us to each other in the first place. I think it gives a different basis for a relationship and for the success of it. I am his wife so it doesn’t all stop with it without my submission or his Dominance. I think I will write about this too! Missy x

  4. I certainly don’t regard myself as a dominant personality, I think I was when I was younger, I always dreamed of taking the lead role which women seemed to expect of me, but perhaps that was all just conditioning on both sides? Sometimes it led somewhere and other times not so much, it was crazy, like playing roulette – I found myself asking the stars why finding a good match was so hard!
    Nowadays I’m thinking what if I knocked next door or asked a work colleague to spank me? How would that go down? I think many women are quite accommodating when it comes to special requests. A woman at work years ago, she said her cleaner was useless, so I began to fantasise about being her cleaner, and that whenever I missed a bit, she’d spank me – it amused me so much, whenever she mentioned her cleaner, I’d be giggling, then years later she asked me what was so funny about her cleaner? I never did tell her!

    • I agree that a lot of our expectations come from society but then, perhaps pushing against them is also where our fantasies are born. Love the cleaner story. Missy x

      • We used to work opposite each other across a desk, I was only in there for 25 mins each day, but I would use my time to entertain her and indulge in mutual daydreaming, she was very strict at first, I think that was what drew me in, she could alternate between being very helpful and warm to stone cold no nonsense at all. She told me off a few times, and I really liked that, The cleaner fantasy really got me going tho, I had done some cleaning work in a previous job, so I sort of hoped she really did want me to clean her house, which I would have absolutely loved to have done for her, (I could have a peek through all her stuff, and maybe try some things on or whatever, then get caught and spanked)
        Considering this was a workplace I suppose I have been very naughty – and do deserve to be punished, sadly we no longer work together, but I still see her occasionally, I like her more than ever, I really admire how she has taken all these ideas of mine onboard, She probably has no idea what I have in mind, but I like to dream she’d be pleased 🙂 Xx

  5. If you ever see her again, I hope you will tell the woman at work. I could be wrong, but I can only imagine that it would amuse her.

  6. Missy,
    You say this doesn’t seem submissive or dominant to you:

    “I wait my turn, listening and watching, and then come in with an argument that is loaded with the emotive language I can use to turn situations to my advantage.”

    The first thing I thought it was …..was smart, clever ……then those words turned to tactical, but I am not going to go so far as to say that is dominant because you’re the one feeling what you’re feeling. However, I do think a whole power exchange happened right under their noses from the beginning of that meeting to the end in that little paragraph and good prevailed! Go you! LOL


  7. It seems to me that you are, in a sense, a neutral person. But in certain life situations, you can be both a dominant and a submissive.

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