How would you describe your submissive self?
I belong to HL and am his in so many ways. I have a commitment to him formally as his wife, and privately as his submissive. I have grown with him in so many ways over the past 10 years that we are now completely entwined, making me his emotionally in that sense too. I cannot imagine myself without him. He is part of me and I am part of him. But even with all of that. Even with the level of closeness and intimacy that has formed between us, I am never his so much as when he breaks me. Then, I am his completely. Entirely.
I have been trying to put into words recently what this means, for me and for my submission. It goes back to my submissive space as I would call it, and I have been thinking about why this feels like the ultimate to me in terms of submission. I am not suggesting, of course, that others should or do feel this way. I am old enough to know that we will all find our submissive self in a variety of ways. Neither am I suggesting that one is more submissive or less submissive than another. How would I know? What I am saying is that for me, this space is a deeper level of submission.
Handing over control
The difference is control and to what extent I have let go of control. Again, there are various ways of doing this. In life and in love, we have control of many different things. I accept at any point that my body is HLs to use as he wishes and I will go with that, sometimes bending my will to his. I have chosen submission and it is a conscious choice to give myself to him when that is what will meet his needs. I have chosen to respect him and defer to him, and whether or not that is easy or what I want to do is neither here nor there. It is what we are, and it is what I am.
So I will give up control of my body and what happens to it. I will give up control of decisions and allow HL to steer me in one direction or another in terms of my time and the things that I do. I will agree to the pushing of my boundaries and let him take me in new directions to try new things. I give up control of the line, in many ways, and allow myself to be moved slowly across it, while he keeps me safe and reassures me. But all of this, while giving up control, is still a choice. I don’t want to say no, but I feel that I could if I chose.
Finding my submissive self
When I enter my submissive space, it no longer feels like there is a choice. Or perhaps, it feels like I have made my choice and this is what happens afterwards. There is no space there for conscious thought. That is something that I have given up. I am highly responsive but my thoughts no longer seem my own. They slow down, they become focussed. They are based on what is happening, what is required of me, what I am meant to do and need to be. There are no questions, no barriers, no choices to be made. I simply am.
But I feel that I am no longer me, or at least the me who takes the front at other times. I am the girl behind that. I am what lies beneath the years of experience and the layers of understanding and protection. I am what is at the heart of me and there is nothing to hold me back. The very skin of me has shed and been peeled away. To break the veneer that encases me, frees me to be the self who sits at the very core of me. And that, I think, is my submissive self.
Pushing past your limits
I have come to understand so much more about myself and why I need the layers of protection to break. They have kept me safe for so long, but they also stop me pushing past myself. It feels dangerous and reckless. It feels that there is a risk that I should protect myself from. This is why there is the need to be broken by someone else. This is not something that I could do alone. There is submission involved in putting myself in this situation in the first place, but the submission that comes once I am there, is something else entirely.
We begin to develop self-awareness around the age of 6 months, but our understanding of ourselves will continue to grow, becoming more sophisticated as we develop cognitively. We learn that we are responsible for ourselves – our behaviour, our actions and our reactions and this helps to form and shape the person we become. I question whether it is really possible to give this up for submission, although some will claim that it is. It is a default to try to check our behaviour to fit in with our own conditioning.
For me, to push past this isn’t something I can do just by wanting to. I can’t just move past my default responses because I have chosen to submit. There has to be more. My desire to submit to HL and be his submissive places me exactly where I need to be. I adopt a submissive mindset through choice, but to let go completely will come after. To be completely submissive to the point where I am not thinking or responding in a way dictated to by my own thoughts and because they have given way to being suggested by him, is where I find my submissive self.
A picture of different parts
I think that really my submission is a picture with different parts. I choose to submit to HL and given a commitment to him to do that. We work at this and weave it into the areas of our lives where we want it to be. I am respectful to him and consider his wishes. I seek his opinion and approval on things as a natural thing to do. I don’t do it because I have to, but because I want to. It matters to me. He matters to me. In the bedroom, I have always submitted control to others, and although that didn’t take me to the places HL takes me, it did mean that we fell naturally into our D and s roles.
Outside of that, I am strong and determined. I am independent and have high standards and expectations of myself. This can pose a challenge to my submission and make it hard to relinquish some of the control that a person holds naturally for themselves. This is why, in some situations, I need Dominance to bring about my submission. When what I am asked to do doesn’t sit right with me, it is hard to overrule what I have learnt will keep me safe and on the right course. It is only through strong Dominance that I can be pushed past this.
All these parts make up the whole this is me, missy. Missy is a submissive. I do not question that, even though it comes as a choice and is something I have asked to do. But experience has shown me that there is something more in my nature. Another side, or another part that lives inside the outer shell. I know myself that the level of submission shown when this other part comes to the fore is far greater and happens without question or conscious thought. Whether more of a slave in nature I am not sure, but there is a submissive self who exists on a deeper level to the one who functions on an every day level.