Actually it was more sexy play than a sexy scene but I felt the alliteration worked better for my title. In addition, the sexy play lasted about an hour and a half which, by my definition puts it more in the scene category. However, usually a scene is something that HL has planned for and involves more set up and has more working parts. Play on the other hand, tends to focus on one main event and feels a bit less formal for me. Whichever, it was sexy, he was sexy and, in the moment, I was sexy too.
I say in the moment because being sexy is something that I struggle with. D/s is one of the things that allows it to happen and during play, when I let go, I feel the epitome of sexy. I have said before that D/s has made me sexy, but really, it is the vehicle whereby I am able to feel that way. Without it, I don’t let go, and my usual inhibitions and unhelpful thinking can get in the way. In fact, thinking gets in the way. It keeps me pinned right where I am, as the person I am, when really, all I want is to be free.
There are a number of ways HL can help to free me from this patter of overthinking during play. One of these is by controlling my thoughts and steering them down the path of his choosing. This is usually dependent on what he says and the dialogue, or internal monologue, that he uses or creates for me. Another way is by using sensations and experiences to overwhelm me and leave me no room for real thought. This is what happened during last night’s sexy scene.
He started out with some electroplay. We tend to use this in the same way each time by attaching a couple of the pads, one to each of my bum cheeks. It is an odd, but very likeable sensation, and I have written about it here, here and here, and probably some other places too, if you want to know more. Sometimes we use electric as a sort of pain play, similar to the way we would spanking as it is a more silent version. Other times it is used as a way to bring me to orgasm, and often this means combining it with other forms of stimulation.
I often feel quite exposed the way we use it because, as the intensity increases, it feels as if my bum cheeks are being pulled apart. HL uses this to his advantage to tease me about it and draw on the embarrassment I feel. In truth, the sensation can be quite overwhelming and when he touches me at the same time as using the electric, it can be difficult to work out exactly what is happening because the sensations are combined and therefore not familiar and identifiable in the way they would usually be.
He started quite lightly and then increased the intensity as he played with my clit and put his fingers inside me. With his lubed up and gloved other hand, be began to play with my bum too. He increased things slowly, focussing on one area and then on another, but never really stopping the sensation on either for long. Often my issue is that I keep thinking and that allows me to remain aware of my reactions and responses. Although I am not actually in control, it leads to a feeling that whether or not I choose to let go is up to me.
What works better is when I am not able to think because I am jumping around in terms of my reaction to what he is doing. It leads to a sensory overload and to a sense of confusion where I am forced to give up control and simply respond to what he is doing. The thinking stops being directed by me and becomes managed by HL. I am powerless to do anything except follow his lead and that is when I am able to properly let go. I can’t focus on anything other than him and what he is doing and the way that is making me feel.
Complex thought is not possible. I could not choose to think of a fantasy or make a decision about which way to lie or what might happen next. I become his tool and at the same time as feeling that I have left myself behind, I fall deeper into the part of me which responds to pleasure and to touch. I seem to exist only for that and there is a vagueness even to what I experience on that level. It feels somehow otherworldly, or as if it is happening to a different part of me.
It is always hard to explain to someone who has not experienced it what being held on the brink of your own ecstasy for such an extended period is like. I know that I move with the sensations, and I know that I groan and murmur a bit. It is like being on the point of orgasm but it doesn’t end. It doesn’t spill over and allow you to shatter and explode into it. Well not for some time at least. It allows you to ride it, to search out your own pleasure, and work it over and over again.
As HL holds me there, he feeds my desire and my need with more pleasure and more sensation. He touches me, he pushes his fingers into me, fucking me in both holes at the same time. He ramps up the intensity of the electric when he thinks I can take more, and he whispers in my ear about what he is seeing and what he is doing to me. At some point I reach around and take his cock in my hand and play with it to the echo of the motions he uses on me.
I can feel how hard he is, his thickness squeezed in my fist. I feel the heat of him and have a need for his cock. I can’t suck him in this position but I want to be filled by him, owned by him, consumed by him. I don’t just want to feel his fingers but to have him inside me at the same time as all of this other sensation. Anal sex is one of those things that I worry about. I fantasise about it but it scares me a bit too. It often feels too much, too sore, too tight.
However, in this state I am really relaxed and rather that feeling afraid, it is what I crave. I want him to force roughly into me. To take me that way and let me feel his pleasure in the same way that I am feeling mine. I want to be hurt, to be broken and to be shattered. I want all of that to be part of my orgasm when it comes, which I know it will soon. I feel him move into position and I push myself back onto him, absorbing him into me. All I care about is this moment, here and now, and I never want it to end.
Of course, in the end it always has to end, but it was a very sexy scene which has left me wanting more.
If you are interested, I have also written a post called What you need to know about Electroplay over on the SWC.