I have written before about our play relationship with others and the fact that we can get quite a lot from exploring this online. In person will always have the edge, I think, but it isn’t always practical and being able to explore online has certainly opened up more opportunities for us. I first realised its power for me when we were exploring erotic humiliation with another Dom but this has continued via our exploits playing with PS and gem.
I am not sure how our play relationship with PS and gem would actually be classified by other people but I don’t much care. For us, they are friends. We have played with them in person and also online but that is still essentially how we see them, rather than it feeling like some sort of polyamorous or non-monogamous thing. It may be that technically it falls into one of those camps, but labels don’t matter to me and so I have no need to find one that fits what we do.
How it works
We are friends as couples, and friends individually too. By that, I don’t just meant that we are friendly but more that we have a friendship person to person which goes beyond the relationship we have as couples. We chat via WhatsApp separately, as well as in a group. This works for us and has allowed some really helpful discussion across the slash with someone who is not our own Dom or sub, but can offer that perspective. We set that up as a sort of mentoring thing a while back, but it has grown into more.
I am not aware of there ever having been any issues with chatting privately with one another’s partner. As two D/s couples we are very open with our partners so there isn’t an issue in terms of what is shared via chat. We are respectful of one another, and also know the limits of what would be appropriate and what wouldn’t be. We share images, thoughts and fantasies and, for us, that seems to work. We also share details of our daily lives as any friends would.
My friendship with gem is different to the one I have with PS, and each brings out something different in me. But that is true of any friendship, so I don’t see that as being a noteworthy thing. I suppose from the outset, there has been no jealousy or fear (either of stealing a friend or of stealing a partner) so it doesn’t really come up. I think that HL feels pretty much the same way, and he is open with me about his friendship with each. Basically, it just works.
An open mind
I suppose, as with a lot of D/s, it is about adding something to what you have. This sort of play relationship isn’t anything I ever thought I would have or want, but over time, it has really just evolved. I guess once your mind is more open to the possibilities then opportunities start to present themselves. Playing with others on some level was something that HL was always quite interested in and so we spoke about it, even to agree that it wouldn’t ever happen. But, although it wasn’t something we were looking for, it sort of found us anyway.
During the first lockdown, I developed relationships online with a couple of people and this allowed me to explore some feelings which were new to me, and which previously I might have shied away from. Within that context, it didn’t just feel that these feelings were manageable, it actually felt that they were enjoyable and exciting. My views shifted and have continued to shift since really. Sometimes we find a catalyst in places that we don’t really expect.
Realising the value of online play
Realising the opportunities that exploring an online play relationship could mean for the things that hit my kinky buttons, caused an important shift for me. While I had always drawn back from HL’s fantasy to see me play with another woman, I grew to understand that it wasn’t so much a girl on girl porn hub type scene he wanted to witness, but the thrill of sharing me with someone else. He wanted to watch someone else play with me, and to direct and be a part of that. That made a big difference to me.
What we do isn’t like swinging where you are engaging sexually with others for your own sexual pleasure, or like polyamory where you want an intimate or romantic connection with more than one partner. I realise that both are enjoyed by many and so I don’t mean to dismiss what can be experienced or gained by either for some. However, for us, it is more about where the Dominance and submission takes us. The others in play become the observers or the participants, but it is always about us (and for them it is always about them).
For me, t is about what HL is doing as my Dom, the experiences he is providing, and the boundaries he is pushing with me. For him, the converse is true, and it is about the way that I am submitting my will to his, and doing the things he is asking me to do. This makes it sound a bit dry and as if there are no feelings for the other people involved. On the contrary, there are strong feelings and a sense of closeness and intimacy for and with them. This exists within the power exchange though and doesn’t somehow transcend that. That is why they remain as D/s friends and don’t need some other label.
Plans for the future
Ha. Well this post has not gone where I expected it to. What I did plan to write, before I fell down my rabbit hole, was that although we had built up to exploring play relationships online, things slowed down again a bit, almost to the point where I wondered if it was something we would ever do again. It seems that after a photography task for PS and gem, we are all back on track and so I look forward to writing more about where this journey takes us.
I must say that I find it difficult to commit to exploring in this way, because of the fact it is part of the way I see our D/s. To look at it outwith that context (and outwith my submissive headspace) still causes the same hesitation it would have when we first discussed it, so each time it is a little like starting afresh, especially if there is a gap or a pause. If I think about it rationally, rather than emotionally, I will retreat to my earlier thinking and try to pull the boundaries back, but in reality, the more I do, the more I am open to doing, if that makes sense.
For this reason, I am glad that things have kickstarted our play relationship again as it is something that we can look forward to exploring. It is fluid and has no particular route, so I imagine we will continue to follow a direction that comes from inspiration and from the spark that is created between us, individually and as couples. It feels like an opportunity to push ourselves and to enjoy new experiences. I suppose it adds another dimension to our power exchange, and it is one that we feel positive about.
To read about what we got up to last night, head over to PS and gem’s blog to read their account.