Learn from others - best friends

The best ways to learn from others

How do you learn from others?

I thought a good place to start writing again would be to pick up where I dropped off with regard to my submissive reflection prompts. Who doesn’t benefit from some submissive reflection? Fortunately I had made a list of them before I started (and stopped) so it was easy to find a topic. So, how do you learn from others? I wonder, actually if this has been part of my problem recently.

Submissive friendships

I have always valued friendships with other submissives. These have all been online, although sometimes things have moved forwards a bit and I have met my sub friends in the flesh. It can take a while to form these friendships but they have really been worth their weight in gold. Being able to share how I am feeling is really important to me, and I have learnt a lot from others by doing this. Sometimes I have not set out to gain an opinion, but via discussion with others, have come to see or think about something in a new or different way.

Friends who you know will be there for you when you need or want something are valuable, but those who ask the stray question or two, and help you to discover or uncover something that you didn’t even know you were unsure about, are important. I am always thinking. My tendency to analyse and go over things is actually one of my greatest assets, as well as one of my largest inhibitors. It allows me a depth of reflection that I would not have without it, but at the same time prevents me from switching off and letting go.

Regardless, it helps me to learn from others, even when I am not actually looking for enlightenment on a particular topic or issue. Friends and acquaintances, their behaviour, thoughts and reactions, can be the catalyst for a chain of reflective thought that takes me down a path I wasn’t even considering. This can be in terms of trying out new things, as well as drawing conclusions about current situations. This allows growth and often my friends are the seeds that my submissive growth germinates from.

Online Community

This was really the reason for creating the online community that we have over at The SafeworD/s Club. With weekly chats and forums, we have not only made friends but also been able to gain an insight into the relatoinships that other people have. This has allowed us to explore BDSM and, in particular Dominance and submission, in a way that we would not have been able to otherwise. Learning from others in this environment is a natural and subtle thing.

Sometimes, of course, you reach a sudden realisation or learn something specific, but at others, it is a slow process as the information, ideas and suggestions settle and permeate, becoming your own. While we have made many lasting friends from being part of an online kink community, we have also learnt from others who are very different to us. This has offered exposure to things we might not previously considered and has certainly opened doors which would otherwise have remained closed.

Teaching others

They do say that once a teacher, always a teacher, and it is hard for me to separate the skills I use in the classroom from every day life. Whether I behave this way because I am a teacher, or I went into teaching because I behave in this way, I am not sure, but being able to help, support and ’teach’ others has really helped me to learn. Trying to teach somebody something is always an effective way to test your own understanding, and it has tripped me up on more than one occasion.

I guess that my blog is part of that. Being able to articulate and explain, not just what I am feeling and doing, but what I am thinking too, has been a useful practice for me. I don’t know that my meaning is always conveyed in the way I would like it to be, but the process of writing something which others will read is a valuable learning tool, as it aids not only my own reflection, but also my own understanding. The engagement with others, as well as with my silent audience, allows me to learn more than I would have done without it.

Reading – books and blogs

I can’t, therefore, disregard the impact of reading (both books and blogs) on the learning I have done from others. It was a book, after all, which brought me to where I am now, giving me the language I was lacking to put into words what it was I had always felt and needed. Following my discovery, I become an avid reader of erotic fiction for this reason, scanning the pages to enhance my own insight as to the sorts of things that would arouse me.

As it happened, it was all so new and exciting at this stage that pretty much everything aroused me, but I have since learnt through experience that I have some pretty specific triggers for letting go. I then moved to the more realistic genre of non-fiction to explore the ideas of others, arriving eventually in blogland where I had access to a whole range of real-life adventures. This allowed me to build on my early learning, as it was more interactive than simply reading because I could comment and ask questions and find out more.

His Lordship

Of course, at the heart of all of this is HL who steers and directs us, based on the ideas and suggestions that I bring to him during our weekly talk times. I am fortunate that we have shared much of our interaction with others, so we not only learn things from them during chats etc but also about each other. I suppose the other learning is more theoretical, but my time with HL is where it is all put into practice. It all impacts on our relationship, whether the sexual side or the lifestyle side.

While we live a full time D/s lifestyle, we are also two people within that, and the learning that one part brings to the other has influenced the direction we have taken. Life events too have taught us a lot and have shaped my views of what is possible, probable or even unlikely. Ultimately, my learning about submission and about D/s in general would mean nothing without HL, because although I have submissive tendencies and am naturally submissive in some areas, I am only a submissive to him.

Finding long term success stories

I suppose I am going full circle here, but despite such a wealth of learning from others, more recently I have felt a bit stuck, as it is hard to find people who have made this sort of relationship work for a long time. I have had a bit of a feeling of having been around the block and this has made things hard. I was pushing for growth but most of the long term couples I know who are making it work, have sort of settled into things in the way I see us having done.

I have met lots of subs and D/s couples over the time, either online or via blogging, and most seem to drop off. I don’t know whether they stop doing the online part and are still D/s or whether the relationship breaks down, but I have questioned how sustainable it is in the long term, at least with the energy and intensity it found at the beginning. Sometimes it can feel like a compromise, and that was not what my learning from others told me it would be. But where are those people now to tell me otherwise?

Essentially I think it matters not. I have decided that it is what it is and I will try to write about exactly what it looks like for us, even if this tends not to follow the usual path. I have always felt that when learning from others it was important to focus on what was realistic and sustainable for you, and I have discovered that a lot of what is out there actually isn’t either. Perhaps I am looking in the wrong places, and perhaps I will stumble upon some new source, but until then, I will learn from the others who are around me and share what I discover with you.

Posted in Submissive Journal, Submissive Reflection, Throwing Caution To The Window and tagged , , , , .


  1. You say “I will try to write about exactly what it looks like for us, even if this tends not to follow the usual path” but I believe that usual path is not necessarily real anyway. There are as many routes to take as there are D/s relationships.

    As for sustainability, I know that Sir and I have a very different relationship to you and HL. Ours has a certain ebb and flow. Spending the energy required to complete tasks and grow our dynamic would be detrimental to other areas. Sir manages my whooshing submissive brain very well, and ensures that I have long rests between intense periods. Sometimes that can feel like we are settling, but really it’s just a pause. I guess for you and HL, as you live together, those pauses can play on your mind, but my friends in long-term cohabiting D/s partnership experience similar swings.

    • Thank you for this. It is always good to hear from others about how things work for them. Who knows what will happen in the future if other things become less involving for us in other areas. For now I will just enjoy things as they are. Missy x

  2. I wish I could offer a helpful response here, Misssy, but my D/s dynamic with my husband was not sustainable (as he was only engaging in that way with me because I wanted it… D/s wasn’t actually something that was a part of his psyche). My D/s dynamic with Sir is long-distance but we are equally matched in our desire to incorporate D/s into our daily lives. But even so… I imagine that if we were together daily, in-person, that it is likely the D/s would ebb and flow as many others have described. D/s takes so much mental energy and life always comes calling. Thank you for this thought-provoking post! I hadn’t considered this sort of thing in a long time. I am grateful for you and to see you writing again. Take good care. XOXO

    • Thank you Nora. I am glad that you have found something that works and is sustainable for you. As you say, it is every evolving. Missy x

  3. We are gosh almost 10 years in – though the last 2 have been all over the map. I really believe Covid playing on in the (not so) background of our minds has played a bigger role in our lives than we realized.

    I know several couples that have been doing TTWD longer than us. I also know they have had to revamp and reinvented themselves over the years. I think the intensity and excitement of connection and change is like a drug many try to recapture but the sustainability of that high is challenging and perhaps not realistic. Growth comes through struggle and often it seems there isn’t as much struggle or discovering of one’s self over time. So it can feel stagnant and panic can set it. Do I have reassuring words for these times? Nope. Only to say it happens to us all.

    I miss the connections we once had in a blossoming community. I also enjoyed talking with newer bloggers because I usually learned or remembered something about myself while recounting issues we had at the start of this all.

    Fortunately I have a few close friends that I can turn to and not feel like a failure if we find ourselves struggling 10 years in again. D/s shines a spotlight on vanilla issues even if it is wrapped in a D/s paper, so it stand to reason we all face areas to work on even years in.

    Welcome back to blogging


    • Hi Willie. Thanks for that. I think you are right and it won’t look the same but I still think it is hard to shake that feeling that you should (or could) be doing better. I like speaking to newer members over at the SWC but rather than feeling like a wise old owl, recently I have just felt old and as if I am pouring cold water on things. It is good to hear from others with more experience so I do appreciate that. We will be 10 years this summer and we have certainly reinvented and revamped things over the course of time. Missy xx

  4. The love-drug endorphin-kick you describe is essentially NRE on an acid trip. *laugh*

    There are ALL THE FEELS of a new/different (type of) relationship and we go after the adrenaline like the famed maze rats who chose electrically-induced orgasms over food (to their ultimate demise). But that excitement is not realistically sustainable. New things come along to get excited about, yes. But our addiction-like “drunk on D/s” state cannot continue in the long term.

    I suspect this is why people drop out of blogging when it comes to this topic. “It’s new and exciting” gradually turns to “it’s our everyday life” and somehow people think they are doing it wrong or don’t have anything interesting/new/fun to say.

    I, got one, would rather read matured-relationship realities than buzzed-libido lovestruck beginnings.

    • Thanks Mrs Fever. I agree with you and with your logic. I think, as you say, there is too much focus in writing on the excitement parts and we are definitely left chasing and feeling lacking. I suppose I have been guilty of that too in finding that I am writing less about the every day. I think I am also in a period of change and new things in other areas and that has likely taken some of my focus. Missy x

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