Submissive growth

Submissive growth and how to make it happen

How do you want your submission to grow over the course of this year?

The second question that I am focusing on in terms of my current submissive reflection is How do you want your submission to grow over the course of this year? For me, growth as as submissive is so important and feeling that I am able to grow, both personally and sexually, was one of the things that attracted me to a D/s lifestyle. Maintaining this sort of dynamic as a full time lifestyle isn’t easy. It takes constant work from both sides, as well as working together as a couple, but I really feel that it allows me to be the best version of myself that I can be.

The relationship between reflection and growth

Growth is at the heart of that. It is about having a standard you adhere to. It is about agreeing to have certain focusses and not allowing that to slip from the fore in terms of priorities. It is about not allowing life to get in the way of the things you want and how you would like your life together to be. In my opinion, personal reflection has to be integral to the process. Without it, your own growth as a submissive will be dependent on, or likely limited by, all of these other factors. If you don’t know what you want and need, what you are really striving for, how can it happen?

I think that within D/s there is a misnomer with regard to this. Often what we read would suggest that the Dominant is solely responsible for what happens, the focusses and the growth that comes as a result. While this may work in relationships which are not full time, from my experience this is unlikely within a married type dynamic. Even in a relationship with is not full time, if there are other aspects besides just play included in the power exchange, then the submissive will have to take an active part in the direction of travel.

Map readers rather than mind readers

This can only really come from considered reflection. You have to know where you want to go and have an idea of how you plan to get there. While Dominants in fiction are presented as being mind readers, in reality most are not. However, they are often very good map readers. They will lead the dynamic in a way which allows both parties to move towards a destination that has been agreed through ongoing discussion. Whether this agreement is stated in a formalised way, or more subtly, it will still be based on the submissive’s wants and needs, as well as those of the Dominant.

The discussion that you have will probably allow the areas of growth to be identified, but before that, I think that there needs to be some personal reflection. We change and are shaped all the time by the experiences we have, and so to simply state needs as an unchanging thing probably won’t work. Some needs might be over-arching – the need to please, for example, – but within that, there will be particular things to do to focus on in terms of how the overall goal is achieved. If this is not considered and communicated, then growth can be limited or curtailed.

My own submissive growth

This year, my main focus is to go deeper into my submission. That is really what this whole reflective project is about for me. I have always reflected on areas that came up, but I want to do a conscious audit of where I am now, and what I need to focus on to improve. I feel I have been waiting, in a sense, for HL’s Dominance to take me where I want to be. That makes sense in many ways as it fits with my submissive need for Dominance. I am at the point where I want to be surprised, I want to be caught off guard, I want to be challenged and to feel that I am being pushed.

But that can’t really happen while HL is trying to be the Dominant I want him to be. It has to come from him and I have to become the submissive he needs to compliment his Dominance. I am at that point where I need to give up more of the control that I retain; I retain it more by default than through choice. I don’t know if we need to move more into an M/s style dynamic but somehow my submission has to feed his Dominance more than it is doing now. Well if we both want to grow that is. I need to be less passive and more active, but I think I will have to employ different ways of doing that.

Finding a level of discomfort

In terms of submissive growth, it isn’t just that I want to go deeper, I think that I need it. I am comfortable where I am and that is not really what it is about. Growth doesn’t come from being comfortable. It comes from feeling a little bit of a push. While I am quite content in some ways to stay where I am because if feels safe and familiar, that isn’t how things were at the start. Over time, our D/s has become so much a part of who we are and how we interact as a couple that it can feel almost indiscernible. It is like we do it without thinking, and again, lack of thought and consideration won’t lead to growth.

I don’t want to feel out of control. I hate that and it is one reason that I cling to control so dearly. Rather I want to feel that I have given up control to HL. I want to feel more controlled by him. I think that this will allow us both to grow as Dom and sub, but also to grow together as a couple. I want to be the best version of myself I can be, but I also want our relationship to be the best it can be too. Currently we both know and acknowledge that there are areas we would like to work on and improve in, and we have identified some of these things through our regular discussion.

Submissive reflection

My aim this year is for my submission to grow through careful reflection. I want to be more active and more structured with this, in the hope that I can go deeper into what I want and need as a sub and communicate that with HL. I want to really take a long hard look at the areas where I feel that I want to grow and think about what I can do further these, on my own, not as a response to something HL sets up. Clearly this will be done in agreement with him, and he may chose to incorporate some of it into the Rules and Rituals that we use.

This isn’t about me taking over and doing what I want to do. This is about time spent thinking about what I can do in a positive way to allow submissive growth to take place. HL is still in charge, but I can support him by offering my submission more effectively. If I do this in a way which feeds his Dominance, and allows him to plan a course for us both where our individual and joint needs are met, then we will both benefit. D/s as a lifestyle has always seemed to me about a relationship where both partners play to their strengths so that you work together as a team, albeit with the Dominant partner as the lead. I think to grow that I need to fine tune the part I play in that.

Submissive Growth
Map Reading
Posted in Submissive Journal, Submissive Reflection and tagged , , , , .


  1. I really enjoyed reading this thoughtful post, Missy. It seems to me that you nailed down your course of action here at the end, “HL is still in charge, but I can support him by offering my submission more effectively. If I do this in a way which feeds his Dominance, and allows him to plan a course for us both where our individual and joint needs are met, then we will both benefit.” So the question now is, in which specific ways will you offer your submission more effectively to feed his Dominance?

    • I have started to work on my mindset already. I plan to write about that soon. Also some self care which will make me feel sexier. And offering more photo suggestions/requests and play ideas etc.

      • This sounds great! I will look forward to reading about how you are adjusting your mindset to reach this goal. This is something of great interest to me. Thank you for sharing! XOXO

        • I think we are always a work in progress aren’t we ❤️ also I think you are more naturally submissive than me. I want to be but in reality if it’s not so strong I am lost in it then I brace against it x

          • Well, I am not naturally submissive by any means, quite the opposite, actually. But I do hear what you are saying about the dynamic needing to be really strong, or you cannot submit yourself to it, you actually brace against it. In some ways, I believe that my submission is about me and my mindset…but, now that I have experienced consistent domination with Sir… I do recognize that a big part of it is him too. Nothing I can do on my own can recreate the depths of submission that his domination plunges me into. But I can feed his dominance with my obedience to his will. I can do my best to obey his rules even when he is not there watching…and this is good for both of us. XOXO

  2. I like how you define it as map reading rather than mind reading. Therein (I suspect) lies the difference between the play & the fiction versions of D/s and the 24/7 lifestyle of a D/s relationship. You always put things so well missy.

  3. I love reading your reflective posts, Missy, and I think like me, others take things from it and learn about themselves too. Also love how you have included map reading here. It’s so true that Dominants aren’t mind readers!
    ~ Marie xox

    • Thanks Marie. Like I said to Posy that was a gift from you but once I thought of it I smiled as it did sort of fit. xx

  4. Great use of the prompt and I so admire your dedication to keep your relationship and life together on track. Reading this – the bit about the submissive lifestyle that really is attractive to me is the couple’s determination to put themselves – rather than all the chaos that goes on around – as the centre of their world and let everything else come second to that. That must feel very special when you get it right
    May xx

    • Yes it really does. I don’t think you need to be D/s to do this of course but it does give that focus. There is so much structure around it that it feels more like a choice not to do it than to do it if that makes sense. Thanks May x

  5. Some very good points, as usual. Reflection is paramount to growth, and growth can only happen if one know the direction one is headed. I agree that, too often, people believe it is the Dominants job to decide where the relationship goes, but that is not really the case. A submissive should take some responsibility in this. I especially love your concept of map reading here. I had not thought of it like this, but I agree that a good Dom has this skill.

    • I think lots of subs make that mistake at the start and don’t take the initiative when they should. We always learn the hard way lol. Missy x

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.