When did you first realise you had submissive feelings and how far have you embraced those feelings?
This is the first in the Submissive Reflection Prompts over on Tell Me About. My aim is to really take a long hard look at where I am in terms of my submission this year, and I am dragging those who will allow me, into that too. So, submissive feelings. Well I know that I have had them for a long time, but I didn’t know at the time that is what they were, so my realisation, awareness and understanding came to me late, in a moment of enlightenment! After that, I embraced them fully and things have never been quite the same since.
Types of Submissive Feelings
Sexually submissive feelings
Obviously I didn’t understand what they were at the time, but looking back I had always been sexually submissive. This is probably the only part of my submission which comes naturally. By that, I mean that it is my default. I don’t take the lead in the bedroom and I tend to focus on what partners want from me. While I will instigate sex or play, I am not good at saying what I want. Not from embarrassment or fear, but because I don’t really want more than is asked of me if that makes sense. I am aware of my own pleasure (or not) but I don’t think about what I need or want. I will have different ideas and thoughts, and some things will work and others won’t, but to lead the way and top is not a natural for me.
The other parts of my submission are dependent on being Dominated, but sex was always something where the submission was there. I knew that sometimes sex was way better than others, what I didn’t know was why. When I discovered what the secret was, and asked HL for more, it all fell into place. Suddenly I enjoyed what had always been fun, on a whole different level. Submission in the bedroom takes me to another place. It is the vehicle which allows me the escape from the limits I place around myself otherwise. It allows me to explore the needs which are kept suppressed unless I am pushed to embrace them.
Discovering more about the way these feelings work has been a revelation. I knew that certain situations, when I felt a loss of power, could lead to a ‘funny feeling’ that I really enjoyed, but it wasn’t until much more recently that I really got why. Discovering that giving up control was at the centre of these feelings, and erotic humiliation was the way it most often happened, was both confusing and exciting. I have learnt so much about how and why it works for me and come to understand much more about the sexual side of me.
A feeling of wanting to be lead
In general terms, there has never been a desire to lead. That is not to say that I never take on leadership roles, but this happens usually more by default than by desire. I don’t suffer fools gladly. I tend to have very high expectations, and so it is hard for me to follow someone who isn’t a strong leader. While my choice would be to support from the background rather than ‘front’, I would prefer not to exist in disorganisation or chaos and so in these situations I will take over. I am also passionate about the things I believe in and will advocate for others and take the lead in a situation where I believe the outcome matters.
I have always been like this. I see patterns in my life from being a child at school, to an adult in the working world, and even in parenting. My feelings of wanting someone else to make the decisions and just tell me what to do often conflict with my belief that actually I know better, or would do better, so this part has always been a struggle. If I lead, I lead from what I see as necessity, frustration or desperation, rather than because it is what makes me happy or makes me feel good on a personal level. It’s a struggle sometimes to lead and I pay the price as it wears me down. I am successful on the surface but the micromanagement that is running alongside it and the overthinking that takes place can take its toll on me longer term
A need for control
I have thought about these traits long and hard and they are linked to my need for control. Ultimately I want to be controlled by someone who is stronger than me, not just physically but on all other levels too. This is hard and whenever there is a gap, or a weakness, I will move into that space and start to control things for myself again. This is another contradiction: I need one thing but end up making it difficult to attain. Like with leadership, I am a ‘control freak’ by necessity and not by choice.
I have always enjoyed giving up control, but since exploring D/s have realised how much trust there has to be for me to do this. The conditions have to be right and even then, it is more of a slow undoing, a wriggling and squirming, or a pushing back then giving in, than it is an embracing of it in a complete way. Not that it won’t be complete. It is the ultimate when I am pushed past my own boundaries and give up control completely, but it isn’t something that happens easily and as much as I crave it, I fight it too.
A need to please and gain approval
Again, my need to please and gain approval has always been a key part of who I am. I have tried to ignore it, and resented my need to seek it, but it has shaped the person I am. I have been a bit of a shapeshifter really, a chameleon, who blends themselves to fit the situation or the people I am in or with. This always made it hard to explore what I really wanted for me, and it is only with HL I have been encouraged to do that. It was easier just to be what people wanted, to be seen as others wanted to see me, than to acknowledge what I wanted for me.
My life is set up in a way which validates me even still. I have a large family which is my focus. I put myself out for others in terms of friendships and the wider community. I have chosen a career path which is centred around helping others. Even my D/s life is about community and what I can share with likeminded people. I don’t mean that I am selfless: quite the opposite really. All of this makes me feel good. It gives me a purpose and a focus and means that I gain self satisfaction without really having to think about what I want on an individual level.
Embracing my submissive feelings
I suppose in a sense I have always embraced these feelings as I have allowed myself to grow with and around them. They are so much an integral part of me that they determine the way I experience the world. It is through playing with and manipulating these feelings that HL is able not just to control my body and my responses in that way, but also get into my head and slowly break down my defences through the humiliation play. I am like a tightly bound package, but by tugging on the right string, he can undo me completely.
It has been difficult to acknowledge some of these things as I saw them as faults and failings. Discovering the root to my submissive feelings and tendencies gave the go ahead really to explore them, rather than trying to manage some and suppress others. I still find it hard to say no, but D/s gives me that voice through HL. I still seek approval, but his approval is all that I need. I still look for control and through the power exchange it works in a way which puts my needs first, rather than allowing me to be sacrificed for the greater good. And in the bedroom, I have been able to explore the deep dark desires that were always hidden before, even from me.
Lost and Found
I think in many ways, my submissive feelings made me feel a bit lost. I felt as if I was adrift as I really didn’t understand what it was all about. I was certainly lost as a person when HL found me as I had existed so long for others that I felt quite disconnected. Finding my submission made so much sense. It was like everything just slipped into place and being able to embrace Dominance and submission as a lifestyle, has meant that I have not just found a way that works, but someone I can trust to bring out the best in me.