The sex life I want
This post is about the sex life I want, which is really the one I have. But I want it more: more frequently, more consistently, more reliably. More passionate, more intimate, and more intense.
(But first ……
a little digression.)
I decided this year that I wanted to do more submissive reflection. More again! I am not sure yet what form this will take, but I will certainly be adding posts to my submissive journal. I like my reflection to end with sort of action points. I know that doesn’t suit everyone, but this is my space, and for me I find it helps my growth to have some take-aways. It helps me to set targets or focus points and evaluate how I am doing.
Last year I tried to do some of this through the Dom sub workbook. I didn’t get as far with that project as I thought I would, because I think I made it too complicated for myself by trying to create something which was open to other people. This meant that I felt it had to fit different roles and dynamics, and in the end it became too unwieldy. I may continue with it over on The SWC, but I here I want something simpler and more personal. I am toying with the idea of using Tell Me About, but for the moment I am simply looking around and using what I see.
What I have seen is some of my submissive blogger friends writing more about their submission than they have for a while. This is great for me as this is the sort of writing I enjoy. It often provokes a reaction in me and I end up thinking about what I have read, and reflecting on my own submission. So I am mulling over thoughts of a format, at the same time as mulling over my submission. I have taken part in Bridget’s Erotic Journal Challenge in its various forms over the last few years. This year she is posting prompts on Instagram but if you are looking for inspiration then she also lists them here, which is where I found this prompt.
Choose 3 words to describe the sex/love life you want.
Passion is important to me. It is something I don’t always feel, but I think it is essential to a good sex life. I also think that life can suck the passion from me. It feels like one of those qualities such as imagination, inspiration or motivation that belong to a world where things are right. When I am struggling, my imagination wanes, as does my passion. I feel less inspired to try new things, less motivated to get instigate things and I become more passive. Passion is associated with activity. It feels elusive and almost like it comes from within. It is into something I can control but also something that controls me. I love the feeling of it: the drive, the heat, the adrenaline. I love that it can come from things non sexual, but the energy of it leads to something which often is. It makes me feel alive.
intimacy of the level I now crave is not something that I take lightly. It is something that I didn’t always have, and something which has continued to surprise me by its growth. Sometimes it feels impossible that two people could be as intimate as we are; others it feels like a basic human need that should be met for all to be well. I can feel like we two become one, and I can feel that I am literally swallowed up as part of HL. I can feel a desperate need to be close to him in a way which offers me protection. This is part, not just of our sex life, but of our shared life in general. When the intimacy lessens at points, I feel it keenly. It fuels the passion and the intensity, so the three words that I have chosen to characterise the sex life I want, passionate, intimate and intense, are interconnected, interrelated and interdependent.
It is often hard to explain what I mean by intense, but it is something that only a D/s relationship has ever given me. Prior to that, things would feel never quite enough, or I would feel like I was too much. Too needy, too weird, too demanding. Although the word can have negative connotations, it isn’t negative for me. Part of it is about the extremes. In our sex life we are pushing personal boundaries, playing on the edge of what seems possible, experimenting with new sensations, both physical and emotional. It feels addictive, exciting and consuming. It leaves me craving more, at the same time as feeling that I have given, and been given, all that is possible for a person. There are limits, of course, but in many ways it feels that there aren’t. It feels as if there is nothing to stop us and that we have created something otherworldly.
Submissive action points
Part of the point of my reflection is to think about growth. So often what we read is not reflective of the way a relationship is. While we are 24/7 D/s (such a misleading term) we don’t experience these things as I have written them in a 24/7 365 type of way. They are there, of course, but not in a way which is always consistent. Life gets in the way. We wane and we fade. We do less than we should and we crave less than we should. We don’t demand of ourselves, or of each other, what would allow us to take things up a level. Sometimes we are lazy, sometimes we are distracted, sometimes we should simply do better.
I have often followed the practice that if something is lacking in your D/s, or in any relationship or aspect of your life for that matter, you should take a long hard look in the mirror. Real submissive reflection. What do you see looking back? Is this the submissive you want to be? Could you do better? There are lots of things that I could do in terms of my submission which would to help me to feel more passionate, more intimate and increase the intensity. Often is is easy to be passive and to look to the Dominant partner to be the active one. Other times the excuses and reasons justify the lack of effort to improve things or move thing on. So there is more I could do.
And on that note, I am off to make a list. Action points here we come.