When D/s doesn't happen

When D/s doesn’t happen ~ Missing missy

I feel like December sort of came and went without much missy. I missed her, and I missed being here, but somehow it just didn’t work out. I had been juggling too much for too long, and in the end it sort of broke me a bit. I have been able to do all of the things I needed to do, but many of the things I wanted to do have fallen by the wayside. This hasn’t been a good thing, but it has allowed me to keep treading water with everything else. D/s-wise there has been a hit, of course and sometimes it feels that D/s doesn’t happen. It was good that the D/s Advent Calendar I made back at the end of October was a community one, as we didn’t do well at all on that score.

That said, we did try some of the tasks and we have pencilled in others for when we have the private time together that we has anticipated, pre our plans changing. I often think that when things are overwhelming, I need HL to ask more of me. His natural default it to protect me by not having expectations for himself, and this can lead to us becoming less connected than we like to be. The advent tasks meant that there was something there as a loose plan, but often it just wasn’t going to be possible without something else having to give and snap.

Interestingly, having these tasks on the agenda did help us to keep the connection, despite not being actively engaged in D/s type activities. The expectation we would do them was there in the background and so even though it didn’t always happen, there was a feeling that it was a conscious and controlled decision to prioritise other things. This really helped me and I felt close to HL throughout. There is always so much more to a married D/s relationship than the obvious play side, but sometimes the rest can come unstuck without it. It can feel as if something is lacking, especially when the rules and rituals you use have become second nature, and so become less of a conscious thing and more integral.

I started this blog as a way to share my journey as a married submissive, in the hope that it might help others in a similar dynamic. I also wanted to learn from others and that has happened in so many more ways than I could have anticipated. I still struggle to find other couples who have been living a married D/s lifestyle for a long time though, so it can be hard to know if what happens with us is typical, and indeed, if there is some sort of work around. I think as time goes by, I feel more content with the ebb and flow pattern of a long term relationship. It feels natural and sustainable this way, and I feel confident that things will step up again once other pressures have reduced back to manageable levels.

So yes. I have missed missy, and I have missed the excitement of the play and the sexual charge that we felt in the autumn and early winter. I look forward to getting that back, to being pushed, and to trying new things again. At the same time, I have enjoyed feeling safe and cared for and as if I was able to crawl, exhausted into HL’s arms and fall asleep knowing that he had my back. Sometimes you do the only thing you are able to do, and I am thankful that I am in a situation where I am able to do that without it being an issue. I think HL always enjoys me being a little needy too, so it probably just adds another dimension to what we have. Even though it can sometimes feel that the D/s doesn’t happen, this still D/s, even if it looks and feels a little different.

Posted in Submissive Journal and tagged , , , .


  1. I wish I could say something that would cheer you up, although there is nothing wrong with just sitting a while with the fact that things are not always the way we’d like them to be. I haven’t been in a long-term D/s relationship, so I can’t help with that, although all relationships wax and wane, don’t they? I am sorry you have missed missy and are a little melancholy as a result. I hope the longer days will help make you feel better soon. Along with the knowledge that your Advent Calendar and the SWC more generally have allowed a lot of people to get together over the last few weeks and that it has brought them joy. Warmly, Elle.

    • Thank you lovely. I actually don’t feel melancholy so perhaps I set the wrong tone in my writing. I feel more like I was caught on a hamster wheel and to reach out for some of the things I wanted would have meant falling off. So I kept running. Now things have slowed down I am looking around me and what I want is back within my reach and that feels pretty good. I am looking forward now to what the new year brings and to catching up with things that are important to me. I hope that things are going well for you too and am looking forward to getting back to the chats. missy xxx

  2. I am glad “melancholy” was not the right word! 🙂 Here is to doing what you want! Thank you for your kind wishes. I have just started to work on a project I had to set aside for a while and am looking forward to pushing forward with it — and to chatting as well. Happy New Year! Elle

  3. While we (Mr H & I) haven’t been following the D/s lifestyle for as long as you and HL have, I am beginning to feel like one of the long term gang!

    I do think there are times of the year when vanilla life gets in the way of the dynamic we want, and I’ve noticed there are definite regular peaks for you.

    Every year December hits you hard, there are deadlines in hour work life that you have to manage and a busy Christmas period to plan and cope with. I’ve noticed that by the new year you are always a little burnt out and slightly disconnected, as well as getting a sense that you feel disappointed not to have managed to do everything you planned to.

    In my opinion, you plan far too many activities for any one person to do. There would need to be three or four missy’s to accomplish everything you want to, so I am never surprised that you are exhausted. I am amazed that you are not a gibbering wreck rocking in the corner!

    It is my hope that one day you will step back and say No, I’m not going to do all this, and that you will cross off every 3rd day and say I’m doing nothing, going nowhere, cooking nothing. Fend for yourselves, clean up after yourselves and you relax, because lady, you deserve a break!


    • That sounds like a plan. You are right of course. My problem is in the implementation. I want to do it all and my own things are what gets pushed to the back. Next year should be quieter ………. Hugs, missy x

  4. Missy,

    You sound a tad wistful but okay (comfortable maybe a better word, because you do know things ebb and flow. ).
    You guys are not forgetting each other, just think maybe as revving up for the next part in 2022 or maybe 2021….😉

  5. For my part, to tell you that I learned a lot throughout the year from the teachings on your blog and I hope and wish to continue reading such interesting readings.

    Happy New Year to you and your family.

  6. Ebb and flow is certainly common for US! But I appreciate the security of knowing we can always get back to it, even when it must be shelved for survival reasons.

    I, too, had an overwhelming period that dead-end me to “Brigit.” But having these parts of ourselves and being in touch with them is more than many can boast.

    I gain a lot of solace reading the experiences of other married couples who practice D/s. There are some similarities, but what I find most comforting is seeing the varied ways people go about it. There is no one right way. No specific rules or expectations. There is just Dominance and submission, as it works for 2 people.

    Here’s to getting back to ourselves.

    • You are so right. Yours is one of the few D/s blogs going really. Lots start but many don’t don’t continue. I know that you have lots of other parts to your site which reflects your creativity and talent but being able to relate to the relationship aspects is what I find most valuable personally. That said, your recent dark story was one of the best fiction pieces I have read in a long time. Missy x

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