I feel like December sort of came and went without much missy. I missed her, and I missed being here, but somehow it just didn’t work out. I had been juggling too much for too long, and in the end it sort of broke me a bit. I have been able to do all of the things I needed to do, but many of the things I wanted to do have fallen by the wayside. This hasn’t been a good thing, but it has allowed me to keep treading water with everything else. D/s-wise there has been a hit, of course and sometimes it feels that D/s doesn’t happen. It was good that the D/s Advent Calendar I made back at the end of October was a community one, as we didn’t do well at all on that score.
That said, we did try some of the tasks and we have pencilled in others for when we have the private time together that we has anticipated, pre our plans changing. I often think that when things are overwhelming, I need HL to ask more of me. His natural default it to protect me by not having expectations for himself, and this can lead to us becoming less connected than we like to be. The advent tasks meant that there was something there as a loose plan, but often it just wasn’t going to be possible without something else having to give and snap.
Interestingly, having these tasks on the agenda did help us to keep the connection, despite not being actively engaged in D/s type activities. The expectation we would do them was there in the background and so even though it didn’t always happen, there was a feeling that it was a conscious and controlled decision to prioritise other things. This really helped me and I felt close to HL throughout. There is always so much more to a married D/s relationship than the obvious play side, but sometimes the rest can come unstuck without it. It can feel as if something is lacking, especially when the rules and rituals you use have become second nature, and so become less of a conscious thing and more integral.
I started this blog as a way to share my journey as a married submissive, in the hope that it might help others in a similar dynamic. I also wanted to learn from others and that has happened in so many more ways than I could have anticipated. I still struggle to find other couples who have been living a married D/s lifestyle for a long time though, so it can be hard to know if what happens with us is typical, and indeed, if there is some sort of work around. I think as time goes by, I feel more content with the ebb and flow pattern of a long term relationship. It feels natural and sustainable this way, and I feel confident that things will step up again once other pressures have reduced back to manageable levels.
So yes. I have missed missy, and I have missed the excitement of the play and the sexual charge that we felt in the autumn and early winter. I look forward to getting that back, to being pushed, and to trying new things again. At the same time, I have enjoyed feeling safe and cared for and as if I was able to crawl, exhausted into HL’s arms and fall asleep knowing that he had my back. Sometimes you do the only thing you are able to do, and I am thankful that I am in a situation where I am able to do that without it being an issue. I think HL always enjoys me being a little needy too, so it probably just adds another dimension to what we have. Even though it can sometimes feel that the D/s doesn’t happen, this still D/s, even if it looks and feels a little different.