A while ago, I had a friendship with another Dom that turned into a bit more. From my side it was friendship and that is important to me. I felt a connection emotionally and that is vital for me ever to contemplate anything more than that, even discarded underwear! I don’t tend to enter into relationships which are purely physical or sexual. Without the emotional connection I find that the desire for something more than that doesn’t really kick in. On this occasion there was a connection, and HL was able to use that to encourage me to think about the possibilities.
I think it is important to note too that the desire for more was a submissive desire. It wasn’t so much sexual as about Dominance, and therefore my submission. This part is hard to explain because while wanting to be Dominated in this way is a huge trigger for my submissive headspace, it also turns me on. So it is sexual but it isn’t about ‘just’ sex and by that I mean that sex without the dominance would be no use. It felt like less of a sexual desire and more of a submissive desire, but it is hard to put into words as the two are so closely linked and overlap at some point.
Anyway, the more we spoke, the more the possibilities HL suggested about play seemed to feel more possible. The ideas floated around my head and I tossed them up and around and watched them land. It felt ok. In fact it felt hot. What had never felt possible before with an unknown figure, now felt like it might be something that I would enjoy and get something from. HL and I talked about various scenarios and we also used narrative within our play. This was helpful as it allowed me to explore some of the feelings I had and find out where they might go.
In reality, things never moved as far as they might have due to a variety of circumstances. Sometimes things just aren’t right. But we did have the chance for some online play and I was set some challenges in the build up to this. One of these was to take a sexy photograph of myself for him every day for a week, and send it to him. As someone who does take photos and shares them, this shouldn’t have felt as hard as it did. But it seemed almost impossible when I was first asked to do it.
The pressure from a private audience of one (or two counting HL who was overseeing things) felt so much more challenging than a much wider audience of anonymous viewers. I didn’t think I would ever be able to put my name to something that someone else was meant to find me sexy in. I tied myself up in knots with it a bit and tried to wriggle and squirm my way out of it with HL. He stood his ground which was a good thing to do. Often when offered a way out it lets me realise that actually I do want to do whatever it is, so that can be a useful tool.
Once I had accepted I could do it, and got some ideas together, it became easier. I managed all 7 images and the one above is an edit of the picture that I sent for day 4. (The original is at the bottom). It took ages with the camera to get the right angle as I had to keep moving it, so there was a lot of trial and error. I have a better system now but overall I was quite pleased with the way it came out. Although I felt worried about sending something, there was a huge rush knowing that I was able to do what I had been asked.
My finger seemed to hover over the send button on my phone for ages. I felt the same feelings I do when HL used erotic humiliation. The risk and fear of rejection pushes me so far out of myself that I have to let go of the tightly woven control that I have of myself. I feel like time suspends itself as I hover on the precipice, knowing that I am ultimately going to throw myself off my comfortable cliff. I did though and there was a huge rush of adrenaline as I sent it and then waited for a response. I twisted and turned and worried as I waited to see what would be said.
They both made a fuss of me, of course, so it was worth fighting my worries to push myself. I not only discarded my underwear, but my self control too. Although it was a challenge for sure, it was worth it and I would definitely do it again if the situation arose.