Playing with Others and Non-Monogamy
I hadn’t written before about the weekend away that we had with our friends, PS and gem. I didn’t really write much about the last time we went away with them either and that was because it was hard to put into words. I suppose there is always a fear of judgement, but worse than that, of being misunderstood. And I don’t mean to suggest that anyone would respond in a negative way to news of us playing with others; I have always found blogging to be a really supportive process. But it can be overwhelming to try to put into words exactly what you felt, when there don’t seem words to explain.
So rather than try to explain and attach words to what happened, I kept it to myself. That felt pretty nice actually; a bit like having a little secret I wasn’t ready to share. But I think I have grown used to the idea over time, and so it feels ok to be more open. I also think because we met up and played with each other again, it seems less like a one off, and just part of what we are now. I have always felt so monogamous in the kink community, where non-monogamy can seem to be the rule rather than the exception. I still think that we are monogamous, and that playing with others is just part of our kink or dynamic.
You see, I would struggle to identify what we do as being non-monogamy, although others might. Playing with others as we do feels different. It is about D/s rather than sex, so I suppose that changes how I see it. Although the play is sexual, it feels more like the sexual charge around D/s than a sexual feeling in more general terms. It feels specific to my submission and I need to be in a submissive headspace to make it work well. While what we do might be sexual, it is D/s play. For me D/s play is not the same as sex as it involves a shift into a different headspace. While sexual activities and orgasms can form part of that, equally well, they might not.
Spilling the Beans
So anyway, now I have been around the houses, lets get back to the beans. It was some time since we had been away together (over a year in fact) so it didn’t feel like a continuation of where we were the last time we met up. We had left our last visit with the idea that we could build on things. A lot had happened in a few days: nudity, photography, watching each other play, some shared scenes and some intimate touching. We when we discussed it afterwords, we all felt that we had taken things at a good pace, but were ready to build on that. I suppose our boundaries as couples had shifted.
When we met up 14 months later, the adrenaline of that first time had faded and I think we all felt a less confident about knowing how far to go with regard to playing together again. It seems like such a risky thing in lots of ways and often you don’t know how you will feel until you are in the situation, so we didn’t have a clear plan of what was going to happen. Well, I say we didn’t because I had committed to nothing, but HL had things pretty well mapped out in terms of what he hoped to achieve from a less scenario to a more one for each thing planned. This probably worked quite well as it meant that he could adapt to suit.
There is something quite nice about being a photographic model for someone new, especially when you admire their skill and taking of pictures. I have always loved the photos that PS takes, so it was really nice to be having him take some more images of me. The last time gem and I both posed and HL and PS snapped away, but the venue lent itself more the last time and we also had longer. This time PS had a few ideas but I think he came up with some new ones at the time. I love the way that the light works in the image above and the way he has captured the three of us playing.
There are lots of others I really like too and the ones I posted in this recent post were from the same weekend, although taken by HL. It works well as the two of them share ideas and I know that HL feels he has been able to learn things from PS. It is fun for me too as I get to dress up and have gem to guide me and make suggestions. Basically it is a great warm up for other things as it sort of breaks the ice, and we go from being clothed in lingerie, to removing clothing for other shots. A number of the pictures taken were sort of action shots, as both HL and PS wanted to capture some of their own play which is harder to do when it is just the two of you.
Nudity is something that I can struggle with in some senses. However, when I am in the right headspace it is much less of an issue and I become more comfortable with myself than I am at other times. Allowing others to see my body isn’t a stumbling block in itself, but when I feel very present and self conscious then I can find it hard. Doing things like eating, and general tasks around the house are tricky, but when I am away and in company it feels more natural. Removing clothing becomes more normal and I often find something to sit around in which is very revealing but gives me the psychological security of feeling like a cover.
Because we feel comfortable with PS and gem, it just sort of works. I think that often when you are with other people who you get on with you can spark off them and this is definitely something that happens for us. The more time we spend the more natural it feels, and the more comfortable it becomes. Clearly when you are exposing yourself in so many ways, your body is just a part of that so somehow there is a shift from the way things might feel usually and we all become more open. I would say this is because the social barriers that are usually in place for people are removed and replaced.
Watching and Being Watched
I had mixed feelings about watching others play before we met up the first time. I have always been interested from a fact finding point of view, of course, but because I am not really visually stacked, I didn’t know if it would do anything for me. I don’t like watching porn as I find it too graphic and it sort of takes from the thoughts and feelings I would have if more was left to my imagination. I suppose it is like the difference between watching a film and reading a book. Although I would get much more involved when reading, there are also some films that I really enjoy.
As it turns out, I do like watching others from a pleasure point of view as well as from an interest one. I also liked hearing them play. It was interesting to see the connection between them and to witness that first hand. It is difficult to find D/s couples in similar circumstances, so being able to see how others do things is a real advantage. It was really hot to watch gem slowly losing it and to watch PS in his role as her Dom. Quite often these feelings would take over and once the scene was done, we ended up just playing close by each other.
Being watched by others also works well for me, especially if that is reinforced and built into what we are doing. My humiliation at being exposed for others that way pushes me deep into my submissive space and leads me to give up all control. I become very submissive and pliable, agreeing to most things I am asked, and wanting to do what I can to please others and share how I am feeling. HL likes to show me off too so for him, being watched really added a layer to what we did, working for us on lots of levels.
Again, having willing participants really added to what we were able to do in terms of scenes. We have used narrative for a while to explore fantasies of playing with others, so to do it in real terms was pretty huge. We started quite gently the first time we met but, having discussed how we felt afterwards, we were definitely able to build on things this time. The physical side of this was part of it but the mental side was also a big thing too. In terms of erotic humiliation, having other participants really shifted it up a notch.
On a physical level you can do things which you wouldn’t be able to usually and this can lead to an overwhelming sense which shifts me deeper into my own pleasure. Being touched and spanked and played with by someone new pushed me closer to HL as my Dominant as it was him who was my grounding force on an emotional level, as well as being the person I was trusting to navigate through it all safely. Being able to provide that feeling for other people I care about in terms of being part of their play was also important for me and something I got a lot from.
I have always said that one of the things that characterises D/s for me is the intimacy and the intensity I get from it. I think I imagined that it would feel quite intense playing with others but I am not sure I expected to get the feeling of intimacy with another couple that I did. This is something that has been forming for a while and something that we explored initially online, and then later when we met up. It is a bond that has grown over a period of years so it would only be fair to mention that. I know that I could not play in this way with strangers, or at least I know that I would not want to currently.
Playing with others is not an experience I want for itself, it is an experience that I want because of the connection I feel, and it seems possible because of the intimacy that has built up as part of our shared relationship. We are friends, and that is important to me. There is trust, there is respect, there is honesty and there is open communication, everything you would expect to find in a D/s relationship. So what this is for me is an extension of what I have already with HL. My D/s with him makes playing with others a part of what we do and for the moment, that is something we are keen to explore and we feel lucky to have the opportunity to do so with friends who we trust.