I can’t believe I have left my blog again. And for so long this time. I seem to come unstuck sometimes and it affects my ability to write. I become overwhelmed with things to do, I fall out of the habit, and for some reason, everything slips. It seems ironic in light of the fact that we have had more time to ourselves in terms of our new empty nest, but things with family and work have been at a peak and that has taken more of our emotional resources than I always hope it will. Essentially, I have been back in the real world.
Of course, the other part of my life is actually no more real to me than this one. In fact, in many ways this is the world that feels right and like it is meant to be. D/s is my real world. But like anything which is beyond normal, anything that feels a bit magical and mystical, it can feel a little unreal when it slips away slightly from me. It isn’t that D/s is like that all the time either, but sometimes, especially times when I have been away it can feel like it because I start almost to see it like others in the other world might.
I think with D/s that sometimes when you set yourselves up for an increase, it can feel hard when it doesn’t fall into place. The opportunity has been there but the energy just hasn’t matched it. I kept trying to write in the same way I kept trying to find the energy and passion that I was lacking, but no matter how I wanted, it just didn’t come along with the abundance I had hoped. And because we had imagined stepping things up, it felt that something was lacking when really it was simply as it had been. Events caused me not to be able to post for a week and one week led to another and then another.
I know that I have written before about the less and the more and this seems to happen for me in a number of areas. I am also a creature of habit and routine. Once I break that it is hard to get back to. and so my twice-weekly posting routine and my cries of “I need to write something” fell by the wayside somewhat. Once that happens, it is like the focus to my real world, or vanilla world takes over. Because it is reality in the sense that it is what determines the practicalities.
Interestingly enough, what brought me back today and to writing this post was a convergence of the two. I have been working on something outside which focusses on the little things we do for ourselves or for others that help us to get through. Sometimes there is a real spark and an energy from these things and they can give us such a lift. I think this year more than ever this has been important and, although in our relationship we focus on and value the little things, it happens in the real world too. We need this, for both form part of who we are.
So despite my time and efforts being channeled on the other, an email from Jim about my blog was what really lifted my day today. He said some nice things about me as a writer as and about the content but also said that he noticed I had not been writing as much and hoped that all was well. It can be easy to become detached from something less tangible than the day to day demands. Writing has always felt like a choice and not a necessity but it has become an essential part of me.
Finding myself in a situation where I am lacking in inspiration is an indication that there is not enough of me left over to invest in what I really want to be invested in. My submissive and my submission is what is at the core of me and it is what keeps me going so to lose site of it is hard. I think the fact that Jim would take the time to write to me in this way brought things together and reminded me that this world is no less real than my other, and in fact, it is an equally integral part and one which I need to attend to in the same way that I do the other.
So perhaps this is actually my real world, and I really do need to try harder to keep things that way.