She was his fallen angel. It was important to her that she was seen that way, not just by him but by herself too. In fact, by anyone who saw the parts she hid. It wasn’t that she wanted to hide them really, more that they were hard to acknowledge, hard to draw out of herself and admit to. They contrasted with part of who she was you see. She was always an angel, even despite the way she embraced her darkness at times, but she became more than that for him.
In many ways it made everything more. The goodness and the badness which nestled next to each other were juxtaposed, coexisting in a quiet struggle. They were two sides, opposing forces, but she would embrace both when pushed. She loved being bad, purely because she was good, and vice versa. She thrilled in enjoying the dark, because she could step in and out of the light. It made her who she was. He made her who she was.
Pictured like this, she could really be his angel, although the signs that she was really something else were there. They both knew it wasn’t hard for him to reduce her to a creature of need and desire, wanton, out of control, lost in her own pleasure. As she writhed greedily in the ecstasy her created for her, they both knew she had embraced her darkest parts and that she was one thing and one thing only. His fallen angel.
I haven’t written one of my Saturday shorts for a while and Being His Fallen Angel is a little longer at 250 words. I wanted to capture what I feel is at the centre of the sexual side of submission for me though and I think always comes back to the idea of being made to submit to the things I don’t want to openly accept I want. The whole cognitive dissonance around embracing those things is a very real thing for me and feels like a conscious undoing and a process I go through every time.
I would have thought that once embraced, that would wear off but it is the ability to consciously revert to the way I was before that means it happens over and over, which is interesting. It is the contrast that I like, the falling I enjoy, and that somehow keeps me coming back to it again and again, because my mind will never really let me embrace either side as a fixed thing. I am always one hiding the other, and I love the way that makes me feel so the fallen angel analogy seems to capture that.