Feeling like a change is needed
I have been talking about feeling I wanted things to change for a long time. My impatience to see results has spilled over into my writing and I feel that I am going over the same ground quite a lot of the time. But they say that patience is a virtue and all good things come to those who wait. I am waiting as a good girl should. I am ready now though and thankfully I can see some small changes, not just on the horizon, but up close and personal.
The trouble with feeling you want to change things is that it can take time. This past year or so has involved a lot of waiting for things. This has been necessary, but frustrating nonetheless. One thing I have been talking about for a while is taking more images of myself. It has been difficult to do though because of finding opportunities when I have the privacy I need. Most of the space in our bedroom is occupied so it isn’t the ideal canvas so it is better when we are home alone. However, being home alone doesn’t happen that often, although things are improving in that department slowly but surely.
Setting up for self-photography
I have also struggled with how to take the images. The camera we have can connect with the phone so that you can see what you are taking, except thanks to the latest apple update, this does not currently happen. So frustrating. I messed about looking for solutions for this so one way and another I have not been able to put things into practice until the past few days. In the end I gave up on the fancy camera which is meant to be all singing and all dancing and went back to my phone and selfie stick which converts into a little tripod thing. It works and although I can’t see exactly what the photo will be, it does give me an idea.
The images which come out often feel a little flat so I tend to edit them using a couple of apps on my phone. It would be great to produce raw photos the way I want them to look in my head but I am no photographer. I actually quite enjoy the editing process. It doesn’t have the same pressure as the image is already there. When I am trying to take a picture it is often a struggle to get it how I want it and many are discarded so working on the ones I feel have potential is a positive part of it for me.
Feeling sexy is a state of mind
One of the main reasons I wanted to start taking images was because it has really helped me to challenge the negative ideas I have about myself. Feeling sexy is a state of mind and I think when I am all wrapped up and hidden away, it allows me to retreat into myself more. I become more guarded and quickly lose confidence. This has a knock on effect on our relationship as HL will see less of me so comment less about me. It is a catch 22 really.
It would be good if he would push me in this area and keep me displayed at times for him but sometimes things just take a dip for whatever reason and one thing leads to another. I think that this dip has lasted longer and is harder to get back out of than others we have experienced, but it is important to me that we keep plugging away, making the small changes. I have done this in terms of eating and exercise too and that has helped me to feel a bit better in myself.
I am always pretty good about what I eat but time off work has allowed me to experiment more, and make more of an effort with the meals that I am making. It often feels like food is about the calories and the less I eat the better but I am trying a different approach and pushing myself to have a more healthy view. I am actually starting to get some enjoyment from food which is good. This links to my feeling good focus which has been somewhat neglected, so that is something else that also needs a bit of a fresh start or at the very least, an energy boost.
I have worried about aging and went through a period of feeling really icky about it. I am not sure what changed as it certainly wasn’t any of the aging issues, but I feel more at peace with myself about it. I feel more accepting and more ready to embrace the changes that have come and are coming. I suppose in many ways, I just feel a bit more wholesome in a lot of ways, which is odd as that is something that I would have said I always was.
Feeling our way into a deeper power exchange
The time away from work has done me good and allowed me to catch my breath properly after what has been an overwhelming year for a number of reasons. I know I am not alone in this but that doesn’t change the fact that I haven’t been happy with the changes that have come our way. At the end of the day, we have allowed a lot of these changes to take place and we are going to have to put in the hard work to get things back where we want them to be. As a submissive I am pretty much reliant on HL to set the ball rolling and keep it coming but I think that he wants to improve things too.
A fresh start is just want we need. There are things I know that I want to focus on but I am waiting somewhat as I would like HL to be part of that. My tendency is to rush ahead so that I feel I am actually doing something. My submissive head is speaking to my heart and telling me that I need to slow down and that I have to do this in his time, not my own, so finding my patience will be a big part of that as I am pretty impulsive and when I want something I don’t really want to wait.