Using Names and Honorifics within a D/s lifestyle

You all know me as missy because it is the name that I blog under, but missy is more to me and to HL than that. I have written before about how much missy the writer and missy the submissive have cemented each other but I wanted to focus more in this post about how we use names and honorifics within our dynamic. For anyone who has read my blog for a while, you will know that I didn’t always use missy as a sub name. It came about after a couple of years of being submissive to HL and I have explained a bit more about that in this post.

What about honorifics

Using names and honorifics when we were new to D/s felt as awkward for us as it does for many couples starting out. We talked for a while about how I would address HL in a way which respected him as my Dominant and we settled on Sir. He wasn’t too sure to begin with as it reminded him of being in the army or being at school, but none of the other options seemed to feel right either. I will admit it did feel forced when I first used the term Sir. I think that HL felt the same when he had to tell me to use it or correct me when I forgot too as it just didn’t feel like us, however, we persevered.

I think that one of the reasons we persevered was because we thought we should. I am usually the first to say that this sort of thinking should be challenged as there is no wrong or right, but I do think that it was good that we did continue. Using the title Sir helped us to set the tone for the D/s part of our relationship. It helped us to see each other as more than husband and wife, or at least differently to husband and wife, and so while I don’t think it makes you D/s, I would vouch for the purpose in using honorifics in this way.

When we use honorifics

Basically we use our D/s names and honorifics at specific times. As I have said above, they help us both with our D or s mindsets, especially during play, so we will tend always to use them then. HL will often remind me that I am to address him as Sir at the beginning of play which is my cue. This is part of the build up to what is to come, in the same way as checking that I know my safewords. He knows that I know my safewords and that I know to call him Sir, but again, it helps with the transition from family life where there can be a lot of different demands, to a situation where I am simply his submissive.

A quick slap on the bum or a stern word will be a reminder that I have forgotten. Again, this works well in terms of keeping my mindset and reinforcing the power exchange. During other ‘non-play’ times we will use names and honorifics if we can when we are speaking to each other and want to highlight our roles. This could be through text or speech. He might whisper ‘Missy’ in my ear or say it under his breath which is very sexy and has an immediate effect.

What about Dom and sub names

We chose a name for me which could be used more openly if we wanted to and on occasions when HL has done that it feels good. I can address him as Sir, or as HL, both of which acknowledge his status for me and for him. Over time he has become more HL in his writing and during online chat, so I would tend to use that and it works for us. I notice in my earlier blog posts I referred to him as ‘my Sir’ but that feels clunky to me now that he has grown into HL. I think a lot of this has come from being part of a community where these are our D and s identities. Others referring to us in that way and knowing these sides of us has given them more weight somehow, so it feels more natural than it did.

I don’t tend to use HL’s actual name that much during conversation anyway as I am not a big name user so that is not an issue. For the same reason it feels forced to add a ‘Sir’ onto the end of each line I speak to him so it is used more for responses to questions, “Yes please, Sir!” or to ask him something, “May I suck your cock, Sir?” I would also call him Your Lordship on occasion in company if I thought I could get away with it as it feels good and it always gets a Dom type response from him.

Names and Honorifics when D/s is a lifestyle

An important thing for us when we started out was that we wanted D/s to add to what we had already and we didn’t want to lose anything. We had a good relationship and so we wanted to keep the people we were originally attracted to and then enhance that with the Dom and sub aspects, rather than replacing the people we were. There was always a good flow to our conversations that led to us sparking off one another, so we didn’t want to stilt that by over formalising things. I guess that played a part in the way we set things up really.

In addition, we are not, and could not be, high protocol all the time. The term 24/7 is misleading for us because although I am technically speaking his submissive all the time, I am not actively submitting to him 24 hours a day. We sleep, we work, we do other things. That said, the D/s is woven through more aspects of our marriage than just the bedroom ones. I prefer the term lifestyle submissive or to call it a lifestyle dynamic as that seems a better description. We have times that we are chilling on the sofa together and although we are still in a D/s relationship, there are other parts to us too: parents, employees, friends etc so we cannot realistically be using the honorifics or be high protocol all the time.

Names, honorifics and protocol

As we settled into our roles they felt much more familiar and more comfortable but at the same time, that wasn’t always what we wanted. For that reason we decided to have times which were acknowledged as being higher protocol with some stricter rules, as we did want to explore that and enjoy how it felt. Being able to see past your wife to see your sub, or past your husband to see your Dom can be tricky when you are living together with a family etc. During high protocol Collar Time, honorifics would apply throughout the duration without exception. This would also be the case if we went to an event or were in a D/s type situation with others.

One area where I have broken with the rules is in terms of writing and the use of capitalisation. To be honest, the whole capitalisation thing annoys me as a linguist and so I don’t  write in terms of ‘Him’, ‘He’ and ‘i’ etc. I don’t meant any disrespect to anyone who wants to use that but I find it irritating to read and it interrupts the flow of the writing for me and I tend to move on. Again we are all different and fortunately HL doesn’t seem to have an issue with the way I want to do it. I do tend to drop the capital letter at the start of my name, missy. This is partly to do with being a sub but also because it is part of submissy, so I tell myself there is rhyme to my reason!

As with anything D/s, I think the important thing is to find what is a good fit for you. Be open to things changing as your dynamic becomes more established and don’t be afraid to experiment a bit and try things out for size.

To see who else is writing about Names and Honorifics, please click the badge to visit Tell Me About.