sexy is

Sexy is as sexy does

I have made no secret of the fact that recently I have struggled to feel sexy. But I have also struggled to take my own advice. I know that I need to make some changes but sometimes it just doesn’t happen. But enough of the doom and gloom: Other times it does and this is one of them.

What does being sexy mean?

I don’t want to overthink, except it is what I do. I recently read a post by Mrs Fever about being sexy where she asked what that meant. She came to the conclusion that in many senses, the term made no sense – “‘Feeling sexy’ is a Good Thing, I think. But hell if I know what it means.” I think it is often hard to explain or describe a feeling because it is just that. It is not anything tangible and it is not always comparable, firstly to anything else, and secondly to what anyone else might experience.

I tried to comment on her post about how it feels for me, because I definitely do get a sense of feeling sexy sometimes. I thought about it a little and the closest I can get it to say that I become the thing that is sexy. I have no issue recognising someone else as being sexy, behaving sexily or wearing something sexy. I also know that others have said the same about me at points. HL would say that he finds me sexy all the time.

Am I really sexy ALL the time?

I don’t feel sexy all the time, even if I seem it to him. I actually don’t think he means it literally but rather that he can conjure up an idea of me which is sexy at any given time. In reality I do lots of normal, weird and very unsexy stuff too. There is nothing sexy about having a headache or moaning about something or being stressed and snappy because I have too much to do. I imagine that these don’t fall into his generalisation of being sexy all the time, and so he goes with the more positive idea of me.

Where we differ is that if I am walking across the bedroom naked, he will find me sexy. I suppose the nakedness equates with being sexy due to the associations that go along side it. I won’t feel sexy at that moment though. I am probably thinking of whatever I am about to do – go for a shower, go and start breakfast etc. When I feel sexy it is because I see myself as he does, or as I imagine he does, in that moment. It is about seeing the sexiness that I see easily in others, in myself.

It is about seeing the sexiness that I see in others, in myself

I am pretty sure that because I can see it, I end up feeling it, but one definitely feeds the other because it changes my behaviour too. I think I probably develop a little more sass which comes from the inner confidence that I get from feeling this way. This means that people then respond in a way which acknowledges the sexiness and that in turn, makes me feel it more. It is a brilliant cycle when it works and I wish I could be in it more.

I think this is why I often say that it is HL who makes me sexy. It is him seeing me as being sexy and that translating across to how I see myself that encourages those feelings. In actual fact, it is not just HL. Attention from other people who also recognise that in me gives me a boost and it is like I become sexy for them then too. I do not know how it works for others, and reading Mrs Fever’s post I don’t think it works like this for her, but this is what happens for me at least.

Putting my thoughts to into play

Anyway, yesterday there was an opportunity to put things into play. This happened before all the above overthinking so it wasn’t a mini experiment, but more allowed me to find additional evidence for how the process worked. Since the beginning of the holidays, we have found ourselves alone a bit during the day, a few days a week. We have been slow to take this on for some reason. The past year and a half has left us accepting of the lack of privacy and opportunity for alone time and so we are almost not even looking for it now.

When random opportunities sit undetected right under your nose and you just don’t see them, it shows how far you have drifted from where you once were. That doesn’t mean there is no return though, I just felt it was a point worth noting. I have to say that even though I had identified an opportunity, I didn’t feel sexy. And this is the first part to changing things. Fake it ’til you make it. I summoned up the thought that I should have had, and adopted it, slipping it carefully into my day.

Fake it ’til you make it

I slipped into HL’s texts then too, asking him if he was busy and could come up to the bedroom. Had I been feeling more, I might have been positioned seductively on the bed, or face down with my arse up in the air. Had I been feeling even more, I might have popped on some high heels, draped a silk scarf over my otherwise naked body and gone into the room where he was working. But these are baby steps so the text brought him to find me naked on the bed.

I had already started to feel a little sexy. There was something a bit exciting about the thought of his body on mine, even before it arrived. This continued when he came in to the room and the effect on him was clear. We drifted easily into touching each other and things developed quite quickly. Another thing we have forgotten is that when we are home alone, we can speak and we can make noise. I suppose it is natural to reach for the trusty faithfuls, but at some point HL remembered he could spank me as no one could hear.

Sexy is as sexy does

So a lovely spanking an several orgasms later, I did actually feel sexy. Like genuinely! At the end of the day, sexy is as sexy does and sometimes I need to be doing a bit more to get myself in the space I want to be in. To expect it all to come from outside is not realistic and puts a lot of pressure on the other party. It has shown me at least that we don’t need to stay stuck in this rut if we don’t want to. The choice is ours and unless we change our thinking, we won’t change our behaviour or our feelings.

So rather than a viscous circle we need a sexy circle: sexy is as sexy does.

I guess that what I am writing about here is active submission. Although whenever we discuss this topic at The SWC there is mention of topping from the bottom, I have found that in a lifestyle dynamic, passively waiting for the Dominance works in theory but not always in practice. Sometimes I need to put myself in the place where it might happen. If you can find yourself in a similar place too then you might want to check out the following posts:

Featured Image by StockSnap from Pixabay

Posted in Feeling Good, Sexuality and tagged , , , .


  1. Fantastic read Missy and I’m really glad you found a good opportunity to allow your sexy self to shine. I know for me it is similar, that feeling of ‘sexy’ only really ignites if others fuel it.

  2. Such an interesting post Missy.

    I was recently confronted with an image of me looking sexy, which was the first time I’ve seen a photo of me matching the woman that I feel inside.

    I wonder if HL does find you having a headache sexy (being vulnerable and relying on) or if there is a desirability in your stress when things don’t go to plan or you have too much to do (passion is deeply attractive)

    I guess what I’m trying to say is it doesn’t do to second guess what others find attractive in us, just accept it and grow from there x

    • That is a good point. I am not sure that he finds the headaches sexy as such but he does like being able to respond to my vulnerability and also look after me so it does feed a different part of his Dominance I think. Missy x

  3. More often than not I feel like you need to take your own advice and embrace that sexiness you have. It’s nice to hear you having the sexy to entice HL, I know how much just seeing you on the bed naked would create arousal for him. I wouldn’t make much of how you could have done it better, the fact you want it is the sexiest thing of all. Good use of the opportunity to get some fun time in ☺️

    • Thanks PS. You are always a great encouragement. I hope that I am getting there this time. A few more opportunities for time alone are proving a good catalyst. Missy x

  4. It seems to me that everything is simple here. Well, at least in relation to another person. If looking at someone you want to have sex with him, then that person looks sexy. Is not it?

  5. I first read Feve’s post and now yours, and indeed, defining sexy is not an easy thing to do. I can feel sexy one time, and then the next I don’t, even though the circumstances are similar. I think to feel the sexy some things must align, and yes, sometimes we need to take action to bring the sexy back. Happy to read you took matters in your own hands 😉
    ~ Marie xox

  6. It’s easy to overlook what’s right under our noses — as you said — so good on you for recognizing an opportunity when it presented itself! 🙂

    My hubby thinks naked = sexy, so your description of how your spouse interprets your walk to the shower (while probably mentally packing the kids’ lunches) definitely struck a chord with me. 😉

  7. I enjoyed your thoughts and you did put into words that feeling, when we look in the mirror and something is just there, or we get a second long glance out in public (I don’t feel old, but sometimes those looks from strangers can make me have more of that ‘thing’…

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