I have made no secret of the fact that recently I have struggled to feel sexy. But I have also struggled to take my own advice. I know that I need to make some changes but sometimes it just doesn’t happen. But enough of the doom and gloom: Other times it does and this is one of them.
What does being sexy mean?
I don’t want to overthink, except it is what I do. I recently read a post by Mrs Fever about being sexy where she asked what that meant. She came to the conclusion that in many senses, the term made no sense – “‘Feeling sexy’ is a Good Thing, I think. But hell if I know what it means.” I think it is often hard to explain or describe a feeling because it is just that. It is not anything tangible and it is not always comparable, firstly to anything else, and secondly to what anyone else might experience.
I tried to comment on her post about how it feels for me, because I definitely do get a sense of feeling sexy sometimes. I thought about it a little and the closest I can get it to say that I become the thing that is sexy. I have no issue recognising someone else as being sexy, behaving sexily or wearing something sexy. I also know that others have said the same about me at points. HL would say that he finds me sexy all the time.
Am I really sexy ALL the time?
I don’t feel sexy all the time, even if I seem it to him. I actually don’t think he means it literally but rather that he can conjure up an idea of me which is sexy at any given time. In reality I do lots of normal, weird and very unsexy stuff too. There is nothing sexy about having a headache or moaning about something or being stressed and snappy because I have too much to do. I imagine that these don’t fall into his generalisation of being sexy all the time, and so he goes with the more positive idea of me.
Where we differ is that if I am walking across the bedroom naked, he will find me sexy. I suppose the nakedness equates with being sexy due to the associations that go along side it. I won’t feel sexy at that moment though. I am probably thinking of whatever I am about to do – go for a shower, go and start breakfast etc. When I feel sexy it is because I see myself as he does, or as I imagine he does, in that moment. It is about seeing the sexiness that I see easily in others, in myself.
It is about seeing the sexiness that I see in others, in myself
I am pretty sure that because I can see it, I end up feeling it, but one definitely feeds the other because it changes my behaviour too. I think I probably develop a little more sass which comes from the inner confidence that I get from feeling this way. This means that people then respond in a way which acknowledges the sexiness and that in turn, makes me feel it more. It is a brilliant cycle when it works and I wish I could be in it more.
I think this is why I often say that it is HL who makes me sexy. It is him seeing me as being sexy and that translating across to how I see myself that encourages those feelings. In actual fact, it is not just HL. Attention from other people who also recognise that in me gives me a boost and it is like I become sexy for them then too. I do not know how it works for others, and reading Mrs Fever’s post I don’t think it works like this for her, but this is what happens for me at least.
Putting my thoughts to into play
Anyway, yesterday there was an opportunity to put things into play. This happened before all the above overthinking so it wasn’t a mini experiment, but more allowed me to find additional evidence for how the process worked. Since the beginning of the holidays, we have found ourselves alone a bit during the day, a few days a week. We have been slow to take this on for some reason. The past year and a half has left us accepting of the lack of privacy and opportunity for alone time and so we are almost not even looking for it now.
When random opportunities sit undetected right under your nose and you just don’t see them, it shows how far you have drifted from where you once were. That doesn’t mean there is no return though, I just felt it was a point worth noting. I have to say that even though I had identified an opportunity, I didn’t feel sexy. And this is the first part to changing things. Fake it ’til you make it. I summoned up the thought that I should have had, and adopted it, slipping it carefully into my day.
Fake it ’til you make it
I slipped into HL’s texts then too, asking him if he was busy and could come up to the bedroom. Had I been feeling more, I might have been positioned seductively on the bed, or face down with my arse up in the air. Had I been feeling even more, I might have popped on some high heels, draped a silk scarf over my otherwise naked body and gone into the room where he was working. But these are baby steps so the text brought him to find me naked on the bed.
I had already started to feel a little sexy. There was something a bit exciting about the thought of his body on mine, even before it arrived. This continued when he came in to the room and the effect on him was clear. We drifted easily into touching each other and things developed quite quickly. Another thing we have forgotten is that when we are home alone, we can speak and we can make noise. I suppose it is natural to reach for the trusty faithfuls, but at some point HL remembered he could spank me as no one could hear.
Sexy is as sexy does
So a lovely spanking an several orgasms later, I did actually feel sexy. Like genuinely! At the end of the day, sexy is as sexy does and sometimes I need to be doing a bit more to get myself in the space I want to be in. To expect it all to come from outside is not realistic and puts a lot of pressure on the other party. It has shown me at least that we don’t need to stay stuck in this rut if we don’t want to. The choice is ours and unless we change our thinking, we won’t change our behaviour or our feelings.
So rather than a viscous circle we need a sexy circle: sexy is as sexy does.
I guess that what I am writing about here is active submission. Although whenever we discuss this topic at The SWC there is mention of topping from the bottom, I have found that in a lifestyle dynamic, passively waiting for the Dominance works in theory but not always in practice. Sometimes I need to put myself in the place where it might happen. If you can find yourself in a similar place too then you might want to check out the following posts:
- Active Submission
- Actively Submissive
- Focus questions for a submissive mindset
- Find what makes you feel sexy