Is masturbation selfish

Is Masturbation within a relationship selfish?

Question: Is Masturbation Selfish?

The topic for the erotic journal challenge is whether or not masturbation is selfish. As I had been thinking about this a bit recently anyway, I thought I would get my thoughts down on the page and hopefully find out what others think too. The key line of thought suggested for discussion in the challenge is the idea that masturbation is selfish because it takes sexual energy away from the person you should be dedicating it to.

To wank or not to wank, that is the question

I have spoken to other couples over time who are in vanilla relationships and have made it a point not to masturbate because they see masturbation as selfish and detracting from what they feel for each other. I think this is probably less usual than the friends I have who do tend to masturbate as a way of meeting their own sexual needs, because that is currently the way their relationship is stacked. Although most relationships don’t start out this way, sex and intimacy is something that many friends my own age describe as being something that fell to the wayside once life and kids took over.

Meanwhile in D/s relationships often a sub will require permission to orgasm. This means that masturbation and when and how it happens can form part of the rules and subsequent punishments. I have written about my own history with masturbation and also the fact that I ended up feeling that I wanted to change some of the ideas I had around it. Quite a lot changed when we took the rule about permission to masturbate off the list. I found that I began to do it more than I had done and even developed a weekly habit of a cleaning orgasm as a reward for chores well done!

Does more masturbation mean less sex?

The thing is, is this wasted sexual energy? Could it be channeled into being more engagingly sexual with HL? Basically, does more masturbation mean we have less sex? I have wondered about this because things have been so much slower with us the past while. We put this down to several things really: environmental factors and biological influences. Lockdown, lack of privacy, hormonal changes and low moods have made up the largest chunk of this orgasm block. We still have sex regularly enough but not as regularly as we did. It is still great too, but not as consistently intense as it was.

I don’t think that my orgasms have changed in the way that they feel though, more it is that the desire and need for them is there much less than it was. We are not only having less sex, we are also masturbating less so I don’t think that this would be an argument for lessening sexual energy as much as proof that there is less sexual energy overall. Although I will admit that sometimes when the thought for something sexy crosses my mind, I will think of masturbating instead, so perhaps it is lessening the intent as it seems easier: I look at it as providing a functional solution to my need.

So would we have sex more if we didn’t masturbate at all?

Logic would tell me that if there was no release for my need, it would push out elsewhere, but again, I don’t think that this is the case. My sexual need is far more emotional than physical, therefore it is fed by an emotional connection. Closeness and intimacy to another person is what will drive it and make me feel sexy and sexual. When I am feeling like this, not only do I look for more sexual engagement and am more receptive, I also masturbate more which sort of keeps me on the boil. Basically, when things are going well, masturbation enhances and builds on the sex we are already having.

For this reason, I don’t see masturbation as ever being a substitute for sex, assuming I am in a relationship that is. It doesn’t tend to make either of us more selfish as we channel the energy back into the relationship. Masturbation is both a symptom and an expression of our need and desire for one another. The more we have the more we seem to want and the less we have the less we seem to need. Although HL and I are stacked differently in terms of the way our emotional and physical needs work, he still seems to move in the same phases of more and less as I do.

How does this work with D/s?

Although it is convenient that our needs seem to mirror one another and adapt to suit, it isn’t always a great thing. This balance means that we can slip into periods of less without it being a conscious thing, and it can be hard to find a way to step things back up. We end up in a place of comfort where we sort of need a good kick up the arse, or a good play session I suppose, to really get us fired up and going again. This has never been an issue more than in the past year where the turn of events has sort of zapped the sexual energy from us both.

However, I do have a need for D/s and so in a mental sense, my brain will look for an outlet of this kind. When I masturbate I will use snippets of fantasy in order to reach an orgasm. Clearly the toy I use is part of making it happen, but the bigger part is the place my mind takes me to. I can use this to meet the need to be dominated, albeit in my mind only. I suppose this has been a fall back strategy that developed way before I lived an actual D/s lifestyle. It was the only way to meet that need then and so it is one I fall back on even now.

I wonder ….

I wonder if without this, I would be prompted to seek an outlet for that need. Perhaps I could explore my bratty side in order to provoke a response, but experience has me so well routed down the same particular road that it seems difficult to try to change that – it feels easy and familiar. I fall easily into my mind and back into living in my own head like I have done in the past. I know that this is challenging and counter productive for HL if he is trying to bring me out of it as he has to be so strong and so overt with his Dominance , so it is something that I do have to be aware of and try to change.

I would be interested to hear other thoughts on the subject. Is masturbation selfish?

Posted in Submissive Journal and tagged , , , .


    • That sounds really hot and I know it works well for lots of people. My issue was being able to do it in front of anyone. I am not sure why I get so hung up about it but when it became a rule not to do it without permission it meant that i just didn’t do it at all. Missy x

  1. Someone once suggested I masturbate in front of them, to which I declined, and I don’t regret it, I’m sure had I done that, I would still be mortified to this day! (some 25 years later) However, I do think it was an incredibly hot suggestion on her part, I should have gone right ahead! 😀
    To answer the question, well of course its selfish, but then so are a lot of nice things! 🙂

  2. I’m in the camp of masturbating improves the relationship because it means you get a better understanding of what you need. Consider that encouragement to experiment more!

    • I definitely think there is a place for this and would always encourage people to get to know their own bodies and how they work in this way. Good point. Missy x

  3. I think the answer to this question depends on what kind of relationship you are in. From the point of view of a “vanilla relationship”, masturbation, in some cases, can generally be viewed as cheating on your partner. Especially if in the process of masturbation, you represent someone else, and not your partner.

    • I see what you mean. I don’t really feel that thinking of someone else is cheating in that sense for us but then we are a bit more open to sharing in some senses and on some terms. Missy x

    • Thanks Marie. I haven’t done the erotic challenge for a few weeks but this one got me thinking too. Missy x

  4. It seems to me that masturbation is not selfish only in two cases: when it occurs in joint play or allows you to compensate for the higher need for sex of one of the partners.

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