submissive type

What type of submissive am I?

This question is something that seems to cause a lot of deliberation and consideration in D/s circles. I am not sure why. I suppose somewhere there is pressure to be a ‘submissive type’ so that we can see how well we are doing and how well we match up. I think that possibly this comes from already having adopted the label of submissive. Happily categorised, we look around and wonder why we are not like others. So we look for further categorisation by means of explanation.

This sort of categorisation and labeling is part of our society and lends itself to human nature, however, it is often not helpful. We are all different and to celebrate our own uniqueness is important, but when we notice a difference, we somehow want to find others who are the same. I am lots of other things: wife, mother, daughter to name but a few, but there doesn’t seem the same pressure to categorise these is the same sort of way.

I think it is a fine thing to look more deeply into what sort of submissive you are if this is helpful, but I don’t believe being further labeled makes you more submissive, or a better submissive. You are what you are and it is fine for you to do you. Really, the only person other than you who should care what you are like as a submissive and comment on it is your Dominant. Anyone else seeking to draw comparisons and make you feel like you don’t fit, has no place to do so.

Labels, Labels, Everywhere …

When you go online and type in questions about submission, it isn’t long until one of these quizzes which will tell you your submissive type pops up. While these can be a bit of fun, I have not found one yet which accurately describes me, or is helpful to my own understanding of myself. Learning about myself and my submissive type has been gained through experience, reflection and discussion with others. So while others seem to seek to box you in further by creating terms to attach to, personally I don’t buy it.

New submissives to the online community that we host will often feel cautious to begin with. They feel that they are only partly submissive because they are inexperienced and starting out. Their research already has led them to feel green and as if they might not be doing the right things to qualify. Surely being submissive is part of your personality or your kink makeup? Being a submissive is something that you choose to do. There can’t be a wrong way and a right way for this. There is no set submissive type.

Even for those who do come to identify with being a particular submissive type, it is open to individual interpretation. I am different to the next person and my submission will be different too. If I were to switch partner, that person would likely bring some different aspects of my submission out. We are people, not numbers. We don’t fit neatly into boxes because we are ever-changing, depending on our experience and environment.

Umbrellas and their panelled parts

Submissive is really the umbrella term and it is fine to remain firmly under that without being more specific. However, if you do feel that things are more complex and that really you only fit under one particular panel or part, that is fine. It might help you to adopt a more specific label but what I am saying is that you don’t have to. For most people, there will be elements of lots of different parts to their submission. The stereotype for any of these parts tends to be as unrealistic as the stereotype of the general term, submissive.

Finding what fits can come over time. I suppose because of blogging, I have further categorised myself as a married submissive, a submissive wife and a lifestyle submissive. These terms help to define the sort of submission I have as being different to the stereotype that I was presented with when I did some research. And I guess that has been my driving force when I have adopted other submissive types. It has usually come from trying to explain what I am at the same time as explaining what I am not.

I am a submissive but not that type of submissive

The stereotypical submissive

So, I am not sure that she (because, again the assumption of gender is also a dangerous part of the stereotype) even exists other than in fiction. She is obedient, compliant and thinks submissively at all times. She doesn’t work, or she does works, but she is able to wait patiently to do the bidding of her master. She doesn’t wear clothes much (his choice) but doesn’t seem to get cold or for this to be inconvenient. She is punished (I am not sure why as she does what he wants anyway) and is glad for that punishment.

She is sexually shy but adventurous (she doesn’t know what she wants or likes but she likes and wants everything he does to her). She likes all types of kink and usually transpires, after a few swats, to be a masochist. She is independent of thought, but is so appreciative of the opportunity to serve and so in tune with him that her own thoughts are a convenient extension of his. She is beautiful and physically in shape. She is young and eager to learn. She embraces her training and life never seems to get in the way of her submission (no kids, no health issues, no stresses at all that a simple cock in her mouth or plug in her butt can’t fix).


So what are my labels?

Ok so this (she, the real submissive) is not really me. I very much doubt that it is anyone out there who is real but nonetheless it seems to be an unwritten standard that we all need to try to aspire to. When we don’t, the implication is that something is wrong with us. Why am I not like that? How can I be a submissive and be different? What sort of submissive am I? And we search for a different submissive type, a better fit. A male submissive, a service sub, a pet or a baby girl. A slave, a brat, a masochist or a pain slut.

While I do just see myself as a submissive, I do use other terms in order to drill down a little bit, and this is less to do with what I am and more to do with what I am not. There are a couple of terms that I do feel fit for this reason.

Married submissive and submissive wife

To me these are one and the same, although if you google submissive wife you tend to end up exploring the Christian variety. In terms of labels, I am not one of those. My faith has nothing to do with my submission, but I do still submit to my husband. Another thing I am not is a submissive who submits to people other than my husband. I only submit to him. I don’t do this because he is my husband (see type above) but because he (my husband) has agreed to be my Dominant.

Lifestyle Submissive

I use the term lifestyle submissive to indicate that Dominance and submission is part of the way that we live all the time. This does not mean that we are actively doing it all the time, but it is there. It runs along on the background and forms part of the way we are with each other. It is woven through more areas of our relationship than just the sexual one. There can be areas which don’t fall under it, but most do in some form or another.

This is different to someone who is a bedroom only submissive. We did start like this and by that I mean that I submitted to HL on a sexual level only. While this works really well for lots of people, for me, I needed to submit to him in more areas in order for it to be successful. Essentially, despite wanting it more than anything, I found it too difficult to do when I had to click in and out. Basically, I need to submit on more levels in order to remain in a submissive mindset.

Flavours and sprinkles

While I don’t identify completely with any other labels, there are aspects of other parts to my submission. We are not in a DD/lg (Daddy Dom/little girl) dynamic, but I do identify as being a middle and at times, that can form part of what we do. I am not a masochist although I like some pain to enhance my pleasure, but I am an emotional masochist, due to the fact that erotic humiliation can push me deep into my submissive space.

I am not a service sub but I do enjoy serving and service is definitely part of our dynamic. When I am being more playful and in my middle space, I will be a bit more bratty, but I would not say that I am a brat as this is not something I would do without being in this space. My natural submissive is quite good at following rules and not pushing back unless something is wrong. And I am not using natural submissive as yet another submissive type. It is more that I see different aspects to my submission.

There will be differences in my submissive behaviour and my submissive responses depending on the context and situation. Some of this is external but for much of the time, I am responding to HL’s Dominance so that will shape the way that I am. He can bring out the greedy, the needy, the complaint, the cheeky, the silly, the naughty, the wanton. This is part of being submissive and it is what happens when a submissive is Dominated.

Sigh. The thinking parts!

One thing I am not, and now realise I will never be, is someone who always thinks submissively. My head is not submissive. My body is not submissive. What I am is a thinking person who wants to submit. Sometimes, more is the pity, wanting to do something does not equate to actually doing it. I want to submit but I need various things to happen in order to facilitate it. One of the things I need is Dominance. Not just knowing that it is present and correct, but feeling that it is active.

My friend, Lurv Spanking, put it in simple terms when he said dealing with someone who needs to be taken/forced into submission for their own good is much more difficult than someone who is naturally submissive. I am definitely the former and I wonder if that is my submissive type. I have referred previously to being an independent submissive but that doesn’t really cover it. I have also written about the kick ass part that we don’t talk about.

My need for Dominance

So I suppose what I am is a strong submissive but that implies that other submissive types are not as strong and that is rubbish so that doesn’t work either. Essentially I need to be taken or forced. It is like something needs to be broken: my will, my self control, my self-consciousness? Those are the things I have built as barriers around myself for protection. I want to be vulnerable but it is hard when I am pretty self-reliant and self-sufficient. It is not that I don’t want it enough though. It is more that I need someone who is stronger, who is all of the things that I am not, to see what I need and provide it for me.

I need someone to take control of me and of the things around me. I can’t let go unless I know that someone has my back and will catch me. I need to know that they are there before I can truly submit. Submit naturally that is. After that point, I do get there. So the wanting takes me so far and then with their help I can become what I would call completely submissive. At that point my thoughts, actions and behaviour all converge and take on a fully submissive stance. I am no longer thinking, I am just doing.

So in many ways I do feel I can be a naturally submissive type, but being Dominated in the right way is the vehicle to take me there. Without that I am a little lost. I am waiting and wanting but I need the strength of my Dom to push my own strength back and to demand my submission from me. I need my thoughts to be bent to his will. After that I can become the real deal. That is when I think submissively and that is not the same as behaving submissively.

Posted in Submissive Musings and tagged , , , , .


  1. Ugh, I hate the way society tries to pigeon hole us. Or, that people generally want to ascribe to a list of behaviours.

    I am a masochist. But is a need beyond my submission. I’m a rope slut but, again, this isn’t my submission. Both of these are treats he will give me when we are together if I have earned them, but they are just part of my day to day life otherwise, with no power exchange.

    I’ve found two labels that suit me though.

    1- me. (This is who I am)

    2- His. (This is the kind of submissive that I am)

    That will do me.

    (Though I do want to have a dig around in my brain and respond to the Ds workbook)

    • That is interesting. Thanks for sharing. I can totally see being his and that makes a lot of sense to me. Perhaps it is not so much the type as trying to understand how it works. I know that when I set out I thought I would grow into the label as I saw it – become better at it as it were. While I have learnt more about submission and what it means, I don’t think I am a better sub because if it. I agree with you in that I am what I am. Perhaps I want to be more his? Interesting for me to think about so thank you x

      • Thank you for another thought provoking post Missy. Sorry for my abrupt response, I’m juggling lunch and multi-tasking has taken a hit 😆 I’m definitely going to give this some more thought, but probably not while making hot dinners x

        • Oh I didn’t think it abrupt. I love when comments add to the post and make me think more so it was helpful. And eek to multi tasking around hot dinners. Not the best plan! x

  2. Yes! That is what I though too. New to it all and did one of the quiz things for fun. Interesting bits accurate yes and friend shared theirs they thought same. But I am not submissive in general attitude. I want to be made too. I am bratty generally and have days where more like a little… Just think its so true.. I am a submissive and the next label ‘His’ will be applied if it occurs x

    • I am glad that you felt it made sense for you RM. I know that you have been thinking about this too x

  3. Oh my my my….there is scoop much food for thought here. And as usual, you have explained things in my own head better than I could have myself.
    I think
    Labels are only really handy when you are trying to ‘sell yourself…that way the other person has a clearer idea of what they are going to get from you. Or maybe when you are new and just trying to understand yourself better. In a relationship, there is no need for it.
    I’m much like you, in that I want to be submissive, but it doesn’t always come easily, because I’m independent and stubborn and self-sufficient. It’s often made me feel like I’m a terrible sub or that I’m a fraud….especially when I read up on it from people who purport to be experts.
    I’m a good girl if He says I am. And that should be all that matters. If I question that…that’s when I’m fucking up.

    • Yes I have always thought that we shared a lot of similarities and more of the subs I know are like this rather than the stereotype. Mind you most are just normal people doing normal jobs and juggling family life and all that goes with it too. I think however you get there it only matters that it works for you. I love that we get things from each other’s posts too. That is important. Missy x

  4. Yes. This is indeed the case. Some of the meanings stated in your article are explained better than I myself would explain to myself. But this is why we are here.

  5. I remember when we just started our D/s how I wanted to be the perfect submissive, the one from the books, but Master T was never into doing what was expected of us, but doing it our way. With his guidance I had let go of trying to be what others think I should be, and to just be myself, and the submissive I am. As long as I am perfect for him, it’s fine. Great thought-provoking post, Missy!
    ~ Marie xox

    • It is great that Master T had the experience and wisdom to guide you in that. HL and I both started out together so really learnt from our mistakes what worked and what didn’t. And I so agree about being the right sub for your Dom. That is it completely. Missy x

  6. Missy, this blog just screams at me !! I am absolutely exactly the same. To a T.

    Have you read Michael Makai’s book, The Warrior Princess Submissive? Reading it really helped me figure out how it was possible to be submissive and independent, strong and vulnerable, fighter and Babygirl all in one. I need a Dominant partner because I AM a dominant partner. And honestly, two doms in a relationship don’t make a whole! I am rough edges and sharp angles. I am a warrior princess and feel like a walking contradiction.

    My vehement need to own my self and be a modern independent woman left me wanting … I was lonely, distrusting, antagonistic. Every interaction was a win-lose power struggle. And I desperately wanted balance. I wanted co-dependence in all the ways that it is GOOD, the yin and yang of it. I don’t want the drama and push and pull of vanilla relationships. I need him to push so I can yield. When he pulls I move towards, not away.

    I want the mental freedom of submission, knowing my place and that my place is good and safe and predictable. I want him to want, no, to NEED to protect to me, cherish me, use me, baby me. I need to feel that I am worth those things because I am his to care for and I am his to serve through love and obedience and submission to his rightful male authority. I want him to feel honorable and proud in his dominance and ownership of me, to take what is his by right as my husband and my Dominant.

    Daddy read it as well and it was very useful for him in understanding his own attraction to a woman who is all those things, and wants all those things and how being handed my power was a great honor to him. To dominate such a woman is to be gifted something rare and precious. The goal is to never break that spirit, or force it to submit, but rather to own it and protect it and nurture it.

    Warrior Princess subs are not easy to encourage to submit. But we make it worth it. Oh, Yes, we do.

    Thank you for your post. It’s so very validating of my own experiences and my internal and ongoing ruminating on this subject.

  7. You are the submissive you are meant to be. Every second of every day. It may morph from time-to-time, but you aren’t a “type”, you are missy. That’s all you ever need to be.

  8. I’ve been living this lifestyle since the mid 90s and never needed a label or the need to identify what I was. It was not until 2010 when we finally joined our local community. You can learn and grow only so much on your own. I was His submissive and the more we attend munches, conferences and parties I realized that I was His slave wife. I also realized that there is not much out there for us that are married and in the lifestyle. We were the Unicorn, now I am excited to see that there are other married couples enjoying this wonderful lifestyle.


    i promise to HONOR, OBEY, & CARE for my Master.
    i ask nothing in return as all i give is FREELY GIVEN.

    • Thank you for your comment Rae. I think whether you find people online or off who are likeminded it can help to make what you are doing feel like something more if that makes sense. I also agree about learning through talking with others as that has certainly happened with us. Missy x

  9. I love this post so much! Knowing yourself and knowing what you want in a relationship is always great. It can be off-putting when someone puts a label on something and can take away from one’s individuality.

    • Thank you Miranda. I agree that being able to be yourself within submission is so important and I think that starts with self-acceptance as you can always build and tweak things from there. Thank you for commenting. Missy x

  10. This issue causes a lot of discussion for the reason that there is no single standard and therefore all pairs are different. Probably, there are some generally accepted stereotypes that form the basis of relationships, but there are many differences. It all depends on the imagination of the people who make up the couple.

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