what books would you recommend for married D/s

What books would you recommend for married D/s? Reader Question

Do you have any recommendations for books about married D/s relationships? i love to hold the printed word in my hand. I refer to your website, but i was just wondering if you have any books that you like to refer to. I have searched amazon, but i value your input. thank you so much. What books would you recommend for married D/s?


Hi Ana,

This is a really good question and probably some sort of recommended reading list posted somewhere would be a good idea. Like you, I have found it really difficult to find good books about married D/s though. That is really one of the reasons that I started this blog. Since then, I have found that the information contained in blogs is much more realistic and helpful in allowing me to see what a married D/s lifestyle is really about.

That said, I can see the appeal of an actual book rather than having to read online. This is actually something on my list of things to do, so who knows, maybe on day I will have something more sold to offer. Until then, I can let you know of some of the things that we read and found helpful. I am sure that others will also add their suggestions in the comments section so hopefully you will end up with a good reading list from there.

One thing I would say from my own experience is that no two relationships are the same, so one size will not fit all. Anything you do has to work not only for your personalities but for your lifestyle, commitments and priorities too. In addition, relationships are organic and so they change over time and have to move with the ebbs, flows and demands of life. Finding something which works for us but is also very adaptable has been the secret of our success.

When we started out, I actually read loads of fiction which gave me a good idea of the elements of D/s that appealed to me and turned me on. However, it also gave me some unrealistic ideas of how it might actually work and some unrealistic expectations both of HL and of myself to boot!

One of the best non-fiction books I have read is “Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism” by Molly Devon and Phillip Miller. This book is not new and is quite dated now in terms of the images used and also some of the expressions, noticeably around gender and sexuality. That said, I did find the content really helpful and it pretty much covers all aspects of BDSM, including the emotional and psychological.

It is written by a couple with loads of experience of a lifestyle dynamic, although it is more about the play side than it is about managing the lifestyle part full time. It is also quite expensive so I am not sure it would count as value for money, however, there are a number of downloadable PDF versions out there if you look. As a basics book for BDSM it works and it is written in a light and entertaining sort of style.

HL also read the ‘Topping Book’ and asked me to read the ‘Bottoming Book’ both of which are written by Dossie Eason. Again, this was an interesting read and helped with understanding kink and BDSM, but there was probably less about managing a lifestyle dynamic such as ours. It was good in terms of understanding the sorts of elements at play in D/s relationships though and I liked that it wasn’t all centred around Male Dom and female sub.

I found ‘Real Service’ by Joshua Tenpenny and Raven Kaldera was also really helpful in terms of understanding how service can work in a D/s or M/s dynamic. I was able to think about the topic in a different way than I had previously and apply this to what we had and the way that I could offer service more effectively to HL. I wrote about it a little here: Service

Again, most of what I have learnt has been from experience and from engaging with other people who are living an actual married D/s lifestyle. The weekly chats at The SafeworD/s Club have been good for this and the posts on Tell Me About and the list of bloggers there might give you some good links to others writing about Dominance and submission.

I hope that this helps and thank you for getting in touch. Good luck, have fun, and thank you for helping to make my world a little kinkier, one question at a time.

missy x

If you are reading this and have a question that you would like me to answer, then just head over to my Ask Me Anything page, type it in the box, and hit submit.

I am also aware of the wealth of experience and information available in the blogging world, so if you are reading this and have your own thoughts and advice, then please add them in the comments section.

Posted in Ask Me Anything and tagged , , , .


  1. I enjoyed reading “The Surrendered Wife”. There were some chapters toward the end that I didn’t connect with (ex. Financial submission), but it had a GREAT message for wives wanting to submit to their husbands.

  2. There is an overwhelming lack of resources around this topic. Most of what I found was based on religious head of household style dynamics, and not what I was searching for.
    The books mentioned are great for learning the fundamentals, and I recommend them to anyone. The best bet for learning about how to incorporate D/s into a marriage is to join forums, ask questions and maybe find a mentor. If you can find a couple that you click well with, it may help when you run into snags (they will happen). A lot of building a dynamic is trial and error and tons of communication.

    • Thanks Mrs K – this is good advice and I had forgotten to mention the forums. Blogs like your own help too so I hope that is also used as a reference point for those reading. Missy x

  3. A great answer, Missy, and unfortunately I cannot add any books to the ones you have already listed. I agree with MrsK that joining forums and maybe finding a mentor is the best way to learn. My best lessons were learned by connecting with others.
    ~ Marie xox

  4. This is a good post and the recommendations are helpful too. Noah would like to give one more piece of advice: read Missy’s blog more often. In it you can find relevant answers to many of your questions.

  5. This one is really really good.

    Leading and Supportive Love: The Truth About Dominant and Submissive Relationships
    Book by Chris M. Lyon

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