I know I am kinky in vanilla terms but because we have been exploring kink for so long, much of what we do feels normal to me now. I wondered for a while if I was even kinky anymore, whilst at the same time knowing that kinky is something that I have always been whether I was able to truly explore it or not. I tend to talk about sex in kink type circles so it really does create a false impression. If I get into discussion with vanilla friends, for example at work, I am reminded how far off centre my ideas, desires and practices really are.
I have also gone round in circles with kink as I have come to understand what really turns me on. While initially the thrill of being able to explore was a big pull to all variety of things, my realisation that it was being dominated and erotic humiliation that really flicked my switch led me to question the other toys, tools and techniques we employed. It became less about what we did and more about what HL said. It became less about the physical and more about the cerebral. Basically, it is about him taking control of my head, and with that, the rest follows.
Once I had a taste of the effect of letting go, of really giving up control in the ultimate way, it was hard to go back. I suppose once I went deeper and experienced what that did, complete submission, I was addicted. The excitement of the smorgasbord of kink which starting D/s had laid before me in the beginning was ignited again and again through Dominance and humiliation. Where other things seemed to lose their effect once they became normalised, humiliation took me deeper and deeper. Humiliation soon became my kink of choice.
I came to understand that it was things not being normal that turned me on. It was me not being normal that allowed me to shed my skin and explore what lay beneath. It was the exposure of my true self as a pleasure seeking core with no boundaries and no limits that lay at the heart of all that was kinky for me. It was the uncovering and the peeling back of the layers of protection that I had carefully woven around and over myself that allowed me to truly be free.
I came to understand that although exposure was something I avoided, when I was safe enough to be led along a path which exposed me slowly bit by bit, it was the ultimate experience for me. I discovered a part of myself that I had never known and always feared to be. I loved her and wanted to be her all of the time but her vulnerability and trust meant that it was only when the conditions were right that she would be released. The rest of the time, I would hide her, hide me, safe in the cloak that life had woven for me.
I remember describing this desire initially as being nothing, and that isn’t right because it is about being me. I suppose what I recognised was that when completely exposed, I would have nothing of the former me. I would not be subject to the self-consciousness that held me in check, or the self-control that stopped me and held me back. I would be happy to be as I am, existing for that moment in time and for those who mattered to me there, rather than being halted by the usual over-thinking that stopped me from really letting go.
The interesting thing has been that it is the journey as much as the destination that I enjoy. While is it the ultimate high to be so completely lost in my submission that I am motivated only by it, there is also a thrill in the conscious transition and the cognitive dissonance that takes place as it unfolds. The yes/no dilemma that unfolds as I am torn between what I should want and what I do want, what I should feel and what I do feel and what I should think and what I do think. The consciousness of this battle is a tussle between pleasure and pain that sits at the centre of emotional masochism.
I know that not everyone can relate to this and not everyone feels this way. It took me a long time to see that my submission wasn’t like the submission of some others. I felt perhaps it was less valid, less genuine, less real for a time, but I have grown into it. I was challenged sometimes when I said that I longed to be broken apart and made anew because some felt that was too aggressive for submission. For me, that is how it works. I want to be taken. I want to be made to submit, not because I am stubborn or reluctant but because I need that strength to really set me free.
Although there is pain and discomfort in being exposed in this way there is pleasure as well. To be pushed past the boundaries you have set in stone in order to protect yourself, to confront your worst fears in doing so, and to then be accepted for who you really are is a powerful thing. I am not sure I am able to put it into words and so if you don’t feel the same it may make no sense, but for me it does feel a little like crossing into another world, or at least being free to be the other me.