This Storm Shall Pass ~ the truth about our sex life

This past year has been a bit of a storm in terms of what it has brought us: challenge, loss, grief, confusion, anger, stress, you name it. All negative emotions. What it hasn’t brought us is sex, kinky naughty delicious sex. In fact, the things we have dealt with have pretty much done the opposite so that now, we are out of the way of how things used to be. We have acclimatized to our new normal. It is not sexy, we are not sexy and really, that is not ok. Neither of us is happy with our sex life.

We want to feel sexy and be sexy and be having kinky naughty delicious sex. I don’t know why this has happened, apart from the obvious list above of course. Because it shouldn’t happen to us when we are D/s. If we were doing all of the things that I write on here and know that I should be doing, it wouldn’t happen. But the things is, we know all of those things but we don’t do them. Even when I tried to take action with the focus points from my Dom sub workbook, I didn’t really do them.

I am accountable to HL as part of our D/s so that usually means that I do the things I should. But right now when our D/s is dialled down a bit, he holds me much less to account. Not only is his Dominance dialled down, but also my submission so I also hold myself less to account and don’t self-report in the way that I might. It is like we have been hit by some sort of slow cloud that has zapped all of our energy. We still like the thought of sexy stuff but we stay up late and watch another episode on Netflix instead.

This would be unheard of in the past. And it is weird because it isn’t like we are not attracted to each other. HL is hot and he turns me on. He says the same for me. We are lucky because we live together so we can have plenty of access to each other. We are a married COVID bubble so there are no restrictions to get in the way. Maybe being around each other every minute of every day has made us complacent and less eager, I am not sure, but it feels like a sort of laziness that takes us as the day wears on.

I read an article last lockdown about acedia. I had not heard of it before but it struck a chord. I found the post, You might not actually be struggling with depression really helpful and could relate to a lot of the feelings and responses it described. As time wore on and we all became gripped in our own version of groundhog day, I saw more and more people slip into this frame of mind. For HL and I it affected us in more than one way and one of them is our sex life, or our motivation for it. We want to play and we plan to play, but by the time it comes around, we end up not always playing.

I don’t mean that we don’t play at all, but it happens less than it used to. Not only that. We really enjoy it when it happens but then we don’t seem to build on that. And the part we really don’t like is the fact that we seem to have adapted to that. We are both quite sexual people and so it feels really odd that we are not as driven sexually as we have been at other times. Part of our apathy to changing is probably because we feel that it is just to do with the current circumstances: lack of stimulation combined with a host of difficult and negative emotions to deal with, coupled with a lack of privacy.

I do believe that this storm will pass. And don’t get me wrong, our sex life is not bad by normal terms it just isn’t what we are used to. It feels like a temporary state that we have slipped slowly into where we are curled up in a sleepy sort of way. It feels like we are sort of hiding a bit from the things that life has thrown in our way but that we can wake up and stand up, feeling refreshed and find our former zest and enthusiasm. I don’t think that it will be a difficult thing to ignite ourselves again because we do know what to do, we just need to actually do it!

This Storm Shall Pass
Sex Life

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  1. Hi Missy,

    I can relate to a lot of things in this post, primarily the dialed down portion. I can hear my submission, I just can’t seem to feel it.

    It’s odd, pandemic life is definitely constantly playing in the background of my mind and I’m not sure why but it must be affecting things here. I don’t think it is overtly- it’s just slowly draining us I suppose. I too have been trying to revive something within myself, but it would appear I have hair trigger emotions to shutting down into a non feeling state again.

    My current mindset is longer days and warmer weather will breathe life into me/us again.


    • I do know it isn’t just me and to be honest there are far greater casualties than just a dialing down so really I am thankful. And like you I do think things will quickly move forward. Thank you. Missy x

  2. Hey Missy,

    Very nicely put. I waited to comment until my wife read it (she’s lounging in recovery from a slight reaction to her first VAX dose). We both recognize ourselves here.

    We’ve slipped a bit in the last year, to the point that she-the vanilla in our marriage-asked me recently to start taking a firmer hand. Amazing that I had to be told, then to be reminded.

    The only guarantee in looooong relationships is that there will be storms, and worse, calms. Dead calms that usually come from within the relationship dynamic. This year we’ve had outside pressures complicating what we typically complicate ourselves.

    Hang in. We’re getting there….

  3. I think a lot of people can relate to this. Something about the state of the world right now, and I think much of it is what plagues our subconcious, which makes it more challenging to notice right away and then curtail. Before you know it the rut is a deep one and harder to come out of it.

    You said “We still like the thought of sexy stuff but we stay up late and watch another episode on Netflix instead” and I was like, oh my yes, us too, too many nights spent like this.

    But like you said, this too shall pass. My Sir has come out of his rut now and is going full force ahead. The same will happen for you guys.

  4. It’s hard trying to create routine within a bubble when before, it was the contrast between normal RL and the kinky secret. It’s also more difficult if you’re an extrovert and have lost much of that stimulation. I know you’ll both come out of this with a much better understanding of your D/s.

  5. I had never heard of acedia, but it’s definitely what I see happening to a lot of people. We fall in to the grip of this weird daily grind and sort of become zombies with this – I’ll do it tomorrow – attitude. Not depression…but definitely no motivation to do anything but sit and stare into the abyss. I could have accomplished so much those first few months of quarantine, and yet, all I did was sit in a fog and stew in my own do-nothingness. And it very much affected my libido and sex life. We basically fell apart. We’re on the mend now, but I feel you on this issue. It’s been a long, hard year. This pandemic has affected many of us in ways we haven’t even realized because it’s subtle and sneaky.

    • Yes you are so right about the subtle and sneaky. And I am so glad that you have found your way out or back or whatever. It is comforting always to know we are not alone. Missy x

  6. Reading this, and seeing the word ‘bubble’ made me think of how indeed you are in a bubble, and everything gets monotone, every day looks like the previous one and tomorrow will be the same again. And as long as we are in this bubble, and not being able to go out into the outside world, it seems everything is on hold. This storm will pass, I know it will, but the sooner the better!
    ~ Marie xox

  7. Even if your job allows you to go out in lockdown the mere thought of being locked down and restricted in choices is not very inspiring and is bound to have an impact else where- Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
    May xx

  8. I think its important to remember that no matter what aspect of our life, we’ll always encounter an ebb and flow of interest and energy. Whether that’s writing on the blog, self confidence or sex and intimacy. Try to be kind to yourself, and maybe enjoy the down time.

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