This past year has been a bit of a storm in terms of what it has brought us: challenge, loss, grief, confusion, anger, stress, you name it. All negative emotions. What it hasn’t brought us is sex, kinky naughty delicious sex. In fact, the things we have dealt with have pretty much done the opposite so that now, we are out of the way of how things used to be. We have acclimatized to our new normal. It is not sexy, we are not sexy and really, that is not ok. Neither of us is happy with our sex life.
We want to feel sexy and be sexy and be having kinky naughty delicious sex. I don’t know why this has happened, apart from the obvious list above of course. Because it shouldn’t happen to us when we are D/s. If we were doing all of the things that I write on here and know that I should be doing, it wouldn’t happen. But the things is, we know all of those things but we don’t do them. Even when I tried to take action with the focus points from my Dom sub workbook, I didn’t really do them.
I am accountable to HL as part of our D/s so that usually means that I do the things I should. But right now when our D/s is dialled down a bit, he holds me much less to account. Not only is his Dominance dialled down, but also my submission so I also hold myself less to account and don’t self-report in the way that I might. It is like we have been hit by some sort of slow cloud that has zapped all of our energy. We still like the thought of sexy stuff but we stay up late and watch another episode on Netflix instead.
This would be unheard of in the past. And it is weird because it isn’t like we are not attracted to each other. HL is hot and he turns me on. He says the same for me. We are lucky because we live together so we can have plenty of access to each other. We are a married COVID bubble so there are no restrictions to get in the way. Maybe being around each other every minute of every day has made us complacent and less eager, I am not sure, but it feels like a sort of laziness that takes us as the day wears on.
I read an article last lockdown about acedia. I had not heard of it before but it struck a chord. I found the post, You might not actually be struggling with depression really helpful and could relate to a lot of the feelings and responses it described. As time wore on and we all became gripped in our own version of groundhog day, I saw more and more people slip into this frame of mind. For HL and I it affected us in more than one way and one of them is our sex life, or our motivation for it. We want to play and we plan to play, but by the time it comes around, we end up not always playing.
I don’t mean that we don’t play at all, but it happens less than it used to. Not only that. We really enjoy it when it happens but then we don’t seem to build on that. And the part we really don’t like is the fact that we seem to have adapted to that. We are both quite sexual people and so it feels really odd that we are not as driven sexually as we have been at other times. Part of our apathy to changing is probably because we feel that it is just to do with the current circumstances: lack of stimulation combined with a host of difficult and negative emotions to deal with, coupled with a lack of privacy.
I do believe that this storm will pass. And don’t get me wrong, our sex life is not bad by normal terms it just isn’t what we are used to. It feels like a temporary state that we have slipped slowly into where we are curled up in a sleepy sort of way. It feels like we are sort of hiding a bit from the things that life has thrown in our way but that we can wake up and stand up, feeling refreshed and find our former zest and enthusiasm. I don’t think that it will be a difficult thing to ignite ourselves again because we do know what to do, we just need to actually do it!