I have always liked talking about sex. In fact, I love talking about sex. One of the things I enjoy about this space is that talking about sex is something I can do and, even better, I can talk about it to other people who are interested in the same topic. I also talk about sex at home and at work. I talk about sex with friends when they are interested too although most of them aren’t which is why I made new friends online who were.
I don’t meant to say that sex is the only thing I talk about of course. And by sex I mean sex in general terms rather than the specific PIV type sex. To me, sex covers a huge area of topics from sexuality and identity to fantasy and kink to consent and pleasure. Sometimes it can be awkward but I also think that we need to talk about these things. It shouldn’t be such a tricky topic and yet, no matter how mainstream things become, there is always a taboo surrounding sex.
Talking about sex as a teen
When I was a teenager and I began to be aware of my own sexuality, I can remember talking to friends and asking questions in quite an open way. My parents were reasonably open at home and so nothing was really off limits but they also had grown up, as many of their generation did, in quite a sheltered way so they didn’t have a lot of experience of things outside a marriage. I suppose I picked up the openness though and my desire to learn meant that I began to explore.
My friends didn’t have many answers so it was often left to me to find out and share based on my own discovery and experience. I didn’t mind this at all and even when others would ask without sharing themselves, I was happy just to chat and see if I could learn anything new. I think as I grew older, I realised that not only did others not want to discuss things in the same way, many of them were content to stick to what they knew and didn’t share my enjoyment for trying new things.
Finding my sexual self
I have written before about masturbation and discovering pleasure. Pleasure is something that has always been high up on my list in terms of its importance. While my sexually submissive nature meant that I would usually follow rather than lead, I do wonder if this is something that cemented itself over time. I know before my marriage, I did also share ideas and thoughts more freely but I think when I began to get some negative opinion back, I closed off a bit and stopped suggesting.
I definitely did things because others wanted to even at the start, but I usually made sure that I had at least one orgasm into the bargain. I must have spoken about it in order to facilitate this but I was always much better about talking about sex in general terms rather than being specific in asking about what I wanted for myself. The rejection I received over a period of many years took its toll and while I still loved getting sexy, I learnt to keep my fantasies and desires as closely guarded secrets.
When I met HL, all of that came to an end. We saw in each other a
kindred kinky spirit and recognised a darkness that we both shared. I immediately began talking about sex in a whole new way. There was never anywhere to hide. And there was never a reason to want to with him. Suddenly we weren’t just talking about sex in practical terms, it was personal. It was not just an interesting topic, it was about things we were going to do. And even better, the things he was going to do to me.
Talking about my fantasies was difficult and it still is. My desire for humiliation makes it hard as I can’t ask for things I don’t want to want. He squeezes bits out of me and in many ways, the most is revealed when I talk in a detached way about it, rather than making it about me. The chats on The SafeworD/s Club have been good for this. Not only can I share what I would find hot when making suggestions or talking about others, but I can also chip in and respond to the experiences others are sharing.
On my blog too, the degree of separation in fiction versus personal writing has allowed me to explore and share far more than I would have done otherwise. So while I am good at talking about sex, I am not good about talking about sex with me. Living in a world where sex is sort of a hobby has made talking about sex part of my everyday life. I have learnt so much about so many aspects through the kinky people I have met online and through reading what they write. This gives me confidence when talking as, outside of these circles, I know so much more than the average person.
Talking about sex with confidence
I have put this to good use through my teaching. While there is lots that I don’t, won’t or can’t say, I have been able to utilise my knowledge to inform what I share. I am fairly well schooled and pretty up to date with current thinking and changes. There are areas obviously where I still have a lot to learn but I know when speaking with colleagues that it is an area where my subject knowledge is better than most. Being able to model openness when discussing sex is an effective tool when sharing with others.
The ability to talk openly is a huge part of the thinking behind what is taught these days in (our) schools. I realise from writing about sex education before that not everyone follows a curriculum which is as progressive and inclusive as the one that we do, but I really do think that this is the beginning for many young people in seeing that it is a good thing to talk about it. Not only that, it is a good thing to know what you want and to be able to share that with the relevant person/people when the time comes.
I don’t suppose I will ever live in a world where sex is able to shake off its taboo and become every day conversation like it is within my kink circles. While, “What did you get up to at the weekend?” “Well, we had an amazing scene where we used our new wand for forced orgasms,” may be a common enough conversation at the SWC, I am a long way from hearing it in the staff room. Sex is still seen as being something that should be private, sort of dirty and rude, and nice girls grow into nice ladies who still don’t talk about what they do.
Because I am passionate this topic, I decided to make the open Sexual Health meme on Tell Me About… into a monthly prompt. The idea is to get more people taking openly about the topics and to build a bank of resources for those who are looking for information. The topic this time is Talking About Sex so if you fancy writing a post and linking up, or want to see who else is taking part, please click the badge and head over to the site.
My link to Wicked Wednesday is more tenuous. The prompt over there this time is mouth and while I use my mouth to talk about sex, I am not sure that really that was what Marie had in mind. To see who else may be more on prompt, please use the badge to visit the site.