Talking about sex

I love talking about sex

I have always liked talking about sex. In fact, I love talking about sex. One of the things I enjoy about this space is that talking about sex is something I can do and, even better, I can talk about it to other people who are interested in the same topic. I also talk about sex at home and at work. I talk about sex with friends when they are interested too although most of them aren’t which is why I made new friends online who were.

I don’t meant to say that sex is the only thing I talk about of course. And by sex I mean sex in general terms rather than the specific PIV type sex. To me, sex covers a huge area of topics from sexuality and identity to fantasy and kink to consent and pleasure. Sometimes it can be awkward but I also think that we need to talk about these things. It shouldn’t be such a tricky topic and yet, no matter how mainstream things become, there is always a taboo surrounding sex.

Talking about sex as a teen

When I was a teenager and I began to be aware of my own sexuality, I can remember talking to friends and asking questions in quite an open way. My parents were reasonably open at home and so nothing was really off limits but they also had grown up, as many of their generation did, in quite a sheltered way so they didn’t have a lot of experience of things outside a marriage. I suppose I picked up the openness though and my desire to learn meant that I began to explore.

My friends didn’t have many answers so it was often left to me to find out and share based on my own discovery and experience. I didn’t mind this at all and even when others would ask without sharing themselves, I was happy just to chat and see if I could learn anything new. I think as I grew older, I realised that not only did others not want to discuss things in the same way, many of them were content to stick to what they knew and didn’t share my enjoyment for trying new things.

Finding my sexual self

I have written before about masturbation and discovering pleasure. Pleasure is something that has always been high up on my list in terms of its importance. While my sexually submissive nature meant that I would usually follow rather than lead, I do wonder if this is something that cemented itself over time. I know before my marriage, I did also share ideas and thoughts more freely but I think when I began to get some negative opinion back, I closed off a bit and stopped suggesting.

I definitely did things because others wanted to even at the start, but I usually made sure that I had at least one orgasm into the bargain. I must have spoken about it in order to facilitate this but I was always much better about talking about sex in general terms rather than being specific in asking about what I wanted for myself. The rejection I received over a period of many years took its toll and while I still loved getting sexy, I learnt to keep my fantasies and desires as closely guarded secrets.

Finding HL

When I met HL, all of that came to an end. We saw in each other a kindred kinky spirit and recognised a darkness that we both shared. I immediately began talking about sex in a whole new way. There was never anywhere to hide. And there was never a reason to want to with him. Suddenly we weren’t just talking about sex in practical terms, it was personal. It was not just an interesting topic, it was about things we were going to do. And even better, the things he was going to do to me.

Talking about my fantasies was difficult and it still is. My desire for humiliation makes it hard as I can’t ask for things I don’t want to want. He squeezes bits out of me and in many ways, the most is revealed when I talk in a detached way about it, rather than making it about me. The chats on The SafeworD/s Club have been good for this. Not only can I share what I would find hot when making suggestions or talking about others, but I can also chip in and respond to the experiences others are sharing.

On my blog too, the degree of separation in fiction versus personal writing has allowed me to explore and share far more than I would have done otherwise. So while I am good at talking about sex, I am not good about talking about sex with me. Living in a world where sex is sort of a hobby has made talking about sex part of my everyday life. I have learnt so much about so many aspects through the kinky people I have met online and through reading what they write. This gives me confidence when talking as, outside of these circles, I know so much more than the average person.

Talking about sex with confidence

I have put this to good use through my teaching. While there is lots that I don’t, won’t or can’t say, I have been able to utilise my knowledge to inform what I share. I am fairly well schooled and pretty up to date with current thinking and changes. There are areas obviously where I still have a lot to learn but I know when speaking with colleagues that it is an area where my subject knowledge is better than most. Being able to model openness when discussing sex is an effective tool when sharing with others.

The ability to talk openly is a huge part of the thinking behind what is taught these days in (our) schools. I realise from writing about sex education before that not everyone follows a curriculum which is as progressive and inclusive as the one that we do, but I really do think that this is the beginning for many young people in seeing that it is a good thing to talk about it. Not only that, it is a good thing to know what you want and to be able to share that with the relevant person/people when the time comes.

I don’t suppose I will ever live in a world where sex is able to shake off its taboo and become every day conversation like it is within my kink circles. While, “What did you get up to at the weekend?” “Well, we had an amazing scene where we used our new wand for forced orgasms,” may be a common enough conversation at the SWC, I am a long way from hearing it in the staff room. Sex is still seen as being something that should be private, sort of dirty and rude, and nice girls grow into nice ladies who still don’t talk about what they do.

Because I am passionate this topic, I decided to make the open Sexual Health meme on Tell Me About… into a monthly prompt. The idea is to get more people taking openly about the topics and to build a bank of resources for those who are looking for information. The topic this time is Talking About Sex so if you fancy writing a post and linking up, or want to see who else is taking part, please click the badge and head over to the site.

My link to Wicked Wednesday is more tenuous. The prompt over there this time is mouth and while I use my mouth to talk about sex, I am not sure that really that was what Marie had in mind. To see who else may be more on prompt, please use the badge to visit the site.

Posted in Projects, Sexual Health.

19 Comments

  1. Thanks for sharing Missy. I must say as a youngster talking about sex was pretty much banned. Talking about sex as an adult id fraught with difficulty. I am much more open,less fazed & interested in different experiences. Only my best friend is the same. Chatting via safewords club is so relaxing. I feel that I can be myself x

    • I am surprised you haven’t done it so much as you seem so open and confident. It is funny how we can do that as our alter egos more easily sometimes. Missy x

  2. This post is perfect for Wicked Wednesday, since you are not only using your mouth to talk about sex, but I am also sure you use it in a sexual way. I love this post, and like you, I talk about sex easily, but am in no way as educated about it as you are. I do have difficulties talking about myself and sex, and the things I want, but sometimes they just spill from my mouth, and then I am relieved I said it, only to then go back to not finding it easy to talk about myself re sex.
    ~ Marie xox

    • I wouldn’t say I was any more educated I just have to educate others which is different. I understand the difficulty talking about sex. I also find it hard to write about the actual act. I can’t make it sound as good in words as it feels in the abstract for me. That is part of the issue with fantasy and the things that turn me on. The are sort of abstract thoughts and feelings rather than real visceral things. It ends up not seeming sexy when I am too explicit. Missy x

  3. I too, have always enjoyed talking about sex. In my group of girlfriends, I am almost always the one who asks…so how’s the sex going? I was fortunate to grow up in a household where talking about sex wasn’t discouraged and was able to have very open conversation with my mom, my Aunt, and my younger brother. In many ways, this helped grow my self-confidence surrounding my sexuality…and helped me to feel more comfortable and validated as a sexual being. I am just wrapping up my PHD in counseling psychology to become a licensed psychologist and I am seriously considering taking a few more course to specialize in “sex therapy”. They say you should love the work you do, right!?!?
    Great post, missy!

    • That sounds so interesting and is the type of job I would love. I am too old to retrain now really but wish I had found all of this when I was younger as I might have changed direction. I look forward to hearing how you get on. Missy x

  4. I think talking about sexual desires in a “detached way” like you mention here (re: humiliation) is actually a pretty healthy approach. Rather than getting tangled in the emotions or mental “I shouldn’t because…”-ness that comes with personalizing a desire, you can set a ‘thing’ out in front of you to be examined and discussed without the attached-to-self risk of judgment (your own or others’) that comes when making that ‘thing’ about you.

    I tend to be pretty analytical — detached, clinical — when discussing potential sexual activities because I need to understand their purpose and desired result before I can personalize those things into an experience. I find that men tend to get confused/frustrated by this approach, but to me, talking about sex serves a purpose. I want to learn from the process, not give him fantasy/wank fodder. (Once we make it happen, he’ll have a real experience to recall if he wants to fantasize; isn’t that better? It is for me. And really… It’s all about me. *laugh* So yes. WAY better.)

    • That makes a lot of sense and I find it ok to talk in an analytical way. It is when I have to talk about the fantasy type stuff that I clam up.

      I think without my humiliation thing going on I would manage much better to voice it but I don’t want to stop as it makes it really exciting. I feel if I was to openly voice it then it would take the power and the effect away. Anyway I don’t want him to do it because I asked. That won’t work. I want him to shock and surprise and make me do it. I want to feel horrified. I want him to push me deeper and deeper in and to be one step ahead. If I ask or say what I want then it feels that I am not really submitting as he is just making what I want happen.

      What you have written about understanding and personalizing it makes a lot of sense. Thank you. Missy x

  5. Back in the latter part of the 19thC I was doing sex education for the first time, aged about 10 I think, they wheeled out the old TV – (set up by some guy in a rain mac) LOL As they used to do! Anyhow, the guy on the telly was this Scottish guy, he had a mild Edinburgh accent I think, he was a white haired old man in a white coat, and he explained about how women have things called Thelopian tubes or something totally alien and frightening, and he talked openly about the “man’s penis” and the “woman’s vagina” – it was all very scientific and medical.

    Another thing I remember form that era, this woman in a white coat came round to grope our balls – we had to form an orderly queue – ah well, back then you took what you could get – thing is, as an introduction to sex and ones awakening, it wasn’t all that bad.

    Oh yeah, when we were even younger, there were lessons about newts, and tadpoles, and a bit of “nod, nod – wink, wink” We all knew it was about sex, and that the adults were all hung up about it, how it should be taught and what the dangers were.

    I just think those early experiences are surely important, and yet, the first time I got to do “practical” years later, I’d forgotten most of what I learned, but maybe it was all in my subconscious?

    I love to talk about sex, and often joke about it, but rarely express my real feelings, cos I want them fulfilled somehow magically – in all seriousness tho, its so difficult to navigate, I’d say I love dirty stuff, and am not prejudiced about it, but then I know I am pretty hung up in many ways more so than mr + mrs average! Difficult!

    • I laughed at your description of the technician with the TV. We had exactly the same. It was way before videos so it must have been live I suppose. So funny xx

      • Glad you laughed Missy! My comment appeared further down – (so I copied it here) ha,ha, yes, I did enjoy writing that part! It probably was a live TV broadcast – I doubt they had video back then – I remember when they did get video, and the machine was huge – the staff treated it like it was the most expensive item in the school – which it probably was! 😀 xx

        • I remember the countdown to the programme all sitting there in silence as the dots disappeared one by one.

  6. I was quite similar to you when I was a teen, I guess that is how teens are, they openly talk about things, but are also a bit careful about it not getting too weird. I remember talking with some girls at a party about anal sex, we were all drunk, so it seemed like a good excuse to talk about the weird without “judgment”. Being in a D/s, communication is key, and while it can be difficult to always be honest, if you are not talking about it, then one of the foundations of your relationship might get shaky. Thanks for sharing this, it was an interesting read.

    • Thanks DS. I think I had the openness even without D/s as I had no idea about what it was back then. I tended to be guided by others though and learnt it was better to keep quiet about some things. Luckily in the end I found people who didn’t judge. Thanks for commenting. Missy x

  7. ha,ha, yes, I did enjoy writing that part! It probably was a live TV broadcast – I doubt they had video back then – I remember when they did get video, and the machine was huge – the staff treated it like it was the most expensive item in the school – which it probably was! 😀 xx

  8. Pingback: March Roundup – Eve's Temptations

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.