what sort of submissive am I?

What sort of submissive am I? Reader question

This is a big one: defining and coming to terms with the kind of submissive I am. In some ways, I feel like a little. I often call him “Daddy” as that’s something I called him before we started this, and I fought calling him that as my Dom for a while as I felt like it automatically marked me as a little which I balked at. Having eventually grown more comfortable with calling him “Daddy,” I’ve recently come to terms with the notion that there are a few other things that might mean I identify as a little. And yet when I think about, I’m still rather weirded out by the whole concept. How do I reconcile that? It’s only through the lens of the label that I have been able to recognize, accept, and start to lean into certain aspects of my submissive self, and yet the same label leaves me feeling uneasy. And as if that’s not enough, at the same time I know that it does not fully define my submissive self. Or at least I don’t want it to. What sort of submissive am I?


Hi Katie,

I think that this sort of discovery is an ongoing one. I am still finding out things about what sort of submissive I am and also about what I am not. I wrote about labels a while ago for the TMA prompt so there might be some other helpful posts there. I think that it can be common to feel uncomfortable with some aspects of roles that fit with DD/lg. Personally I think it is a choice how you interpret this and how you want to express it. Some personalities probably lean more towards it and some people are more comfortable with it than others. 

Most Doms in full time lifestyle dynamics, and also in play dynamics, will be focussing on nurture and care. They also focus on growth of their submissive. While in play this is contained, in a lifestyle it spills over into everything so I think you can find it becoming something that is more noticeable. Similarity the submissive shows their vulnerability and neediness and from this the trust and that feeling of safety grows. These are things which lend themselves to the sort of caregiver/child type dynamic, and I think that they can be present for many couples. 

Suddenly you are safe to relax and embrace the more carefree pleasure seeking, fun part of you which may have been hidden previously by the responsibilities and serious nature of being an adult. Making decisions, caring for others etc are now all handled in a different way so I think that many people find they can connect with their younger selves. Likewise for a Dom, they might now have the responsibility and leadership, the focus in care and nurture, which allows them to tap into the part of protector and provider too so it can be a natural progression once you embrace a power exchange as a lifestyle. For example by following rules it can feel like being treated, or treating someone, as a child. 

I wonder if this is what you are feeling, and if so, it sounds similar to feelings I have have myself? It confused me because the ‘littles’ I was friends with liked doing things that I didn’t want to spend time doing. For example colouring in, playing with stuffed toys, wearing a nappy or diaper. I have written a post (Little missy middle) where I include the sort of things that I like and so would identify more as a middle than a little, but really I think it might be about how I express it. I don’t really have lots of time doing these things or have set times when for it. 

For some subs that feeling is there most of the time, so they would say that is what they are but for me it more comes and goes. It is a headspace I can get into when I feel really secure. It makes me feel free to be silly without judgement, so it’s more about letting go and embracing my inner person in the non-play time in the same way as I let go during play. It is about losing that self conscious part as usually I hold myself back and try to fit in, being what I need or am expected to be for others. 

For many it can be a sexual thing too but for us not really. It is more as I have described it above and while I might tap into that sort of side for age play, such as a school girl scene, it feels different. I have a few different characters for play who are all part of me but express a different side I guess. This is something that allows me to explore more freely and to give up control. We use roleplay and narrative a bit for exploring as being ‘missy’ or ‘his submissive’ only takes me so far. I think that is why many subs will identify with additional labels too – masochist, brat etc. 

I do think that labels can be helpful, as you have found, in learning more about ourselves and the things we identify with. But they can also be too narrow and so I think it is important just to be the sort of submissive that works for you and your partner, whether that fits a label or not. From my experience we all have lots of different parts and aspects and if your relationship allows you the safety and connection to explore some of those, so much the better.

Good luck, have fun, and thank you for helping to make my world a little kinkier, one question at a time.

missy x

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Wicked Wednesday

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  1. It seems that advice and explanations will always be insufficient and everyone must come to their own definition. This may take a lot of time.

  2. I really love these advice posts of you, Missy. You are always so clear in explaining and answering. Great to see this feature on your blog again 🙂
    ~ Marie xox

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