The topic for Wicked Wednesday this time is fantasies. I wanted to write a hot fantasy but I am just not there yet. I am still feeling serious and analytical, but looking back at the fantasy material I have here on my blog, I see the progress that I have made since I first started writing about my journey. Initially I felt that I couldn’t couldn’t articulate my fantasies but I have learnt a lot by exploring my hidden fantasies in writing, although in many ways they are still made up of those piecemeal snapshots of words and thoughts that I tried to describe some time ago.
One of my biggest supporters when I began blogging was Lurvspanking who tried to persuade me to explore through fiction writing. I insisted that I had no ideas and there wasn’t a story in there, but how wrong I was. I look back now to see how slow I was to take on that encouragement and suggestion and even how long it took me to see that my fiction was just made up of my own fantasy, and some. Which I guess is the case for many.
The ‘stories’ I have written are based on my own real life experience coupled with the fantasy scenarios that I play around with when we play etc. I feel almost fraudulent to call them fiction when they are so close to the truth, but then they are often real events transposed to a different level so they are neither fantasy nor fiction not fact but rather an amalgamation of the three. And all creative writing is probably a combination of those various elements anyway.
It was really through writing fiction and exploring my fantasies that I was able to identify and embrace my need for erotic humiliation which is one of my key kinks. It has also helped me to understand it and try to explain it to HL as the illustration of it has brought it to life. I have been able to share through stories some of the things that I would be to ashamed to say out loud because that degree of separation has made it easier.
It has also worked well because there is that fear that once I have said something turns me on, I will be made to do it. While there are elements of these thoughts which are hot and could be used, I don’t want to experience them exactly as they have been written as that would often be too extreme for me. There is a common theme of being exposed to others, not just physically but sexually and emotionally too and while this excites me, it frightens me too.
I have spent years building and hiding behind defences and the thought of having those stripped away in a place where it is safe to do so is both terrifying but compulsive in equal measure. I see now that it is only through this that I can find the freedom to shake of all that holds me back and be pushed past the boundaries I have woven so neatly around myself. Exploring this through fantasies, through fiction, and through reality has allowed me to see the common thread linking all of these.
The fear of rejection that comes from exposure is huge in my imagining and it would only be possible when the connection with my exposer or my audience is close enough to minimise the risk. While there is the thought that they will throw their hands up in horror at what they have seen, the interest and reassurance they offer me outside of this scenario allows me to take the chance. Essentially I can face my worst fears and move past them.
What exists past that point is so very difficult to describe. It feels like another world and another me and it is compelling. It pulls me in with that love to hate sort of feeling you can find sometimes. I don’t understand it and the confusion of my mind aids the switching off and the giving up. In the end it becomes too difficult to think and I give in just to feeling and doing and there is such beautiful simplicity in that for me.
More recently my fantasies have converged with reality and I have found myself being exposed to others in a variety of ways. In addition, we have used narrative more and more during play. Previously the exploring of our fantasies was done through roleplay, whereas now we are more able to explore things which bring elements of the outside into our own space. While the reality is that we are still just the two of us, the possibility that HL might take things further is always there and will add to our play, heightening it.
I have learnt so much since beginning this journey about why some things turn me on. I was confused for such long as to why I was thinking about things I didn’t want to actually do but it all makes much more sense now. I don’t want to want them so I can never admit to them and that is part of the thrill. As an emotional masochist I will wriggle and squirm at the discomfort as much as a physical masochist will scream and shout no at their pain, whilst all the time wanting and needing more.
Most of my fantasies, whether based on real life or fiction, can be found in this collection of posts which explore erotic humiliation in various forms.