Recently I wrote about the disconnect I have experienced from myself and the way I have been thinking about my motivations for some of the things I do. One of these areas has been photography, the pictures that we choose to share, and the shape of things to come. I have mentioned before my thoughts about aging and this is one area where I have struggled to think myself out of the hole I am in. I have enjoyed posting pictures and have been clear about the ways it has helped my body image, but in others, it is now having the opposite effect.
For me, I wonder if I have reached the end of this road. For a while I have focussed on areas I saw as being my strengths and allowed them to cover for the other areas I had difficulty with. I know that any photo is not exactly true to life, but increasingly I am focussing on what to leave out rather than what to put in. This is leading to a focus on the negatives as I have to be ever aware of what I don’t want to show. Its not that I think I am in bad shape for my age, more that I am not showing the truth about bodies in their 50s.
I want to show that bodies can be sexy whatever the shape and whatever the age but am wondering now if I have played my part. My ideas of what is attractive remain quite mainstream and don’t always tie up with the reality of the reflection I see in the mirror. I don’t see this as an issue. I am not worried about growing older or the changes that occur but posting pictures which don’t reflect the reality is stopping me somehow from accepting them fully. I suppose I feel I am trying to be something I am not.
I feel a bit like I am being held in the past and see the ticking clock next to me, counting my time down to the point when I say enough is enough. I am not sure if this is a casualty of my mood over the past few weeks or just part of life and the point I am at, but I am seriously considering what I do going forward. I want to accept the way I am and the body I have. That is important to me, and I wonder if to do that, I have to stop trying to present myself in a way which seems to defy the changes which are taking place.
I don’t want to do that any more. I want to feel good as I am and to enjoy the body I have. I want HL to enjoy it too but the quest to make it look a certain way isn’t helping that. It is more important to me to be sexy for him than to look sexy in a picture if that makes sense. I know that for many people the two would go hand in hand and I think for a time they did for me, but I am re-evaluating that now.
Please don’t think that I am against the idea of aging. There are lots of things about getting older that I really like so I am not down on all of the changes, although I could see some of the changes to my shape and body far enough. It is more that some of the things I am doing at the moment are not allowing me to embrace those changes in the ways that I would like to. I don’t mean that you can’t feel or look sexy when you are older as that would be ridiculous, more that I think is some ways I have been trying to fit in.
So many of the issues that people have come from comparing themselves to a false ideal of what is attractive or sexy or whatever it is they want to be. I know that I have fallen foul of that and have actually worked hard with HLs help to re-write some of those unhealthy ideas that I had. But in doing so, I have also created a false idea of myself which I find I am now comparing my reality to. I am not saying that I will stop taking pictures because there are things about it I like, but I am thinking seriously about the shape of things to come in terms of what I post.
I am not going to rush into anything however. I have learnt better than to do that and in addition, I have some pictures I like that I might still want to use. More it is that I am thinking seriously about body positivity and how that works for me. I feel strongly about trying to accept and enjoy the skin that we are in, but sometimes that are more ways to skin a cat. And so I am thinking about how best to make that happen for myself.