I feel that I am out of sync with myself. By that I mean the self who exists here, who exists as the author of this blog. That self is also my submissive self and I am out of sync with her too. Not that I have given up on submission or anything, I still live the lifestyle I have done for the past 8 years or so, but I don’t feel connected to the person I have come to see as myself. I feel as if I am on the surface, sort of drifting, going through the motions with an element of disconnect. I have to say, I don’t like it and I want it to change.
So that is what I am trying to do here. I hope that by writing I can reach that part of me. I don’t think she is lost, more that she is walking around in a skin that I cannot quite slip into. She is there, but I am here and I need to find my way back somehow. It is odd how much my blog is part of that self. And the circumstances that caused my disconnect were circumstantial but I wonder perhaps if there are other elements coming into play here too.
I think that possibly, I was beginning to drift a little from myself anyway: not on a practical level as I was still doing all of the things which ground me, but on an emotional level. So when things happened to take my attention in a different direction, it was easy to be distracted into that. And when I am distracted into other things for long enough, I seem to dry up somehow in terms of writing. One thing leads to another and that is sadly where I find myself now.
What I have discovered is that usually whatever has taken my attention is causing a block in my mind. Rather than the ideas of the other part of me flowing, the focus of my thoughts is on these new issues and that can prevent me from connecting again. This usually only happens when I have had a strong emotional reaction to something: anger, fear, rejection etc. For some reason, I need to get those emotions out on the page in order to be able to move past them and access my creativity.
So I guess that is what I am doing here and I hope that getting some of it out will allow me to return to doing the things I love and enjoy doing them again. Unfortunately sometimes to start to write opens a bit of a floodgate and I have done enough thinking and talking with HL to see that there are some changes coming up ahead. So I don’t really expect to cover all the nuts and bolts in one post, although I am hoping it will be a start and be the release that I need.
I think it all started with bereavement as we lost a close family member, but I expect that there were other things under the surface already. I referred to the situation we were in previously and although we knew things were pretty hopeless and would end this way, it still hit us hard when it happened. HL was my focus and we supported each other well. We were gentle and loving and the deep emotional connection we have became the centre of things and allowed us to cling onto each other for strength so that we could support the others who needed us.
It takes it toll though. On a practical level it meant that we were busy in other areas and I couldn’t keep writing the same way I had been. It was also hard to find me time or to justify having that and so, for one reason or another, it has been 2 weeks since I posted anything. Of course I have had the opportunity but when I sat down to think, nothing seemed to come. I felt blank and, as I said, out of sync with that part of myself and that part of my life.
I am also in a situation where I am supporting others emotionally through lockdown and that is taking its toll. Every day the conversation is similar and the lack of motivation, the disillusionment and feeling of being overwhelmed is starting to rub off. I can separate myself during discussion with others but my empathy means that I take a little of it on. I think that most of us are feeling these things due to the current situation but the repeated focus on them is causing them to be bigger than they might be otherwise.
Concern for one of my children has also taken up my emotional energy and occupied my thoughts. In the last few weeks we have dealt with pain, illness, grief and loss and the emotional fallout that each of these things brings. Finding a way forward has been the focus, creating a new normal and getting on with things has been what we have tried to do. And within that has been some questioning about my motivations that are typical when I experience this sort of disconnect.
I have wondered what I am doing here. I have wondered why and for how long I will continue to blog. I have wondered what I hope to achieve and asked if this is what I really want to be doing. I have thought about my purpose and questioned what it was that kept me going and made it important all this time. And I don’t have any answers. I know that recently the things that brought me joy haven’t done in quite the same way. I am going through the motions I suppose and in some areas, I have stopped doing that.
I think that I need to get back. I need to stop thinking and start doing and see what happens with that. But some of my thinking has led me to question elements in a longer term way. I have always used writing as a way to process and so in some ways, when I don’t do it, I become stuck. Writing is helping. It is getting it all out and although I don’t have the answers yet, being able to explore the questions is allowing me to slowly unstick myself.
So apologies if my space becomes quite introspective for a while. I think that is just what I need to do to find out where I am going. I don’t want to stop. I don’t want to give up, but I need to feel something more than I have done for the past few weeks and I am not sure how to get past that without writing it out of my head. I hope that will allow me to get back in sync with myself again, and so I am writing to reach that part of me.