out of sync

Out of sync – writing to reach you

I feel that I am out of sync with myself. By that I mean the self who exists here, who exists as the author of this blog. That self is also my submissive self and I am out of sync with her too. Not that I have given up on submission or anything, I still live the lifestyle I have done for the past 8 years or so, but I don’t feel connected to the person I have come to see as myself. I feel as if I am on the surface, sort of drifting, going through the motions with an element of disconnect. I have to say, I don’t like it and I want it to change.

So that is what I am trying to do here. I hope that by writing I can reach that part of me. I don’t think she is lost, more that she is walking around in a skin that I cannot quite slip into. She is there, but I am here and I need to find my way back somehow. It is odd how much my blog is part of that self. And the circumstances that caused my disconnect were circumstantial but I wonder perhaps if there are other elements coming into play here too.

I think that possibly, I was beginning to drift a little from myself anyway: not on a practical level as I was still doing all of the things which ground me, but on an emotional level. So when things happened to take my attention in a different direction, it was easy to be distracted into that. And when I am distracted into other things for long enough, I seem to dry up somehow in terms of writing. One thing leads to another and that is sadly where I find myself now.

What I have discovered is that usually whatever has taken my attention is causing a block in my mind. Rather than the ideas of the other part of me flowing, the focus of my thoughts is on these new issues and that can prevent me from connecting again. This usually only happens when I have had a strong emotional reaction to something: anger, fear, rejection etc. For some reason, I need to get those emotions out on the page in order to be able to move past them and access my creativity.

So I guess that is what I am doing here and I hope that getting some of it out will allow me to return to doing the things I love and enjoy doing them again. Unfortunately sometimes to start to write opens a bit of a floodgate and I have done enough thinking and talking with HL to see that there are some changes coming up ahead. So I don’t really expect to cover all the nuts and bolts in one post, although I am hoping it will be a start and be the release that I need.

I think it all started with bereavement as we lost a close family member, but I expect that there were other things under the surface already. I referred to the situation we were in previously and although we knew things were pretty hopeless and would end this way, it still hit us hard when it happened. HL was my focus and we supported each other well. We were gentle and loving and the deep emotional connection we have became the centre of things and allowed us to cling onto each other for strength so that we could support the others who needed us.

It takes it toll though. On a practical level it meant that we were busy in other areas and I couldn’t keep writing the same way I had been. It was also hard to find me time or to justify having that and so, for one reason or another, it has been 2 weeks since I posted anything. Of course I have had the opportunity but when I sat down to think, nothing seemed to come. I felt blank and, as I said, out of sync with that part of myself and that part of my life.

I am also in a situation where I am supporting others emotionally through lockdown and that is taking its toll. Every day the conversation is similar and the lack of motivation, the disillusionment and feeling of being overwhelmed is starting to rub off. I can separate myself during discussion with others but my empathy means that I take a little of it on. I think that most of us are feeling these things due to the current situation but the repeated focus on them is causing them to be bigger than they might be otherwise.

Concern for one of my children has also taken up my emotional energy and occupied my thoughts. In the last few weeks we have dealt with pain, illness, grief and loss and the emotional fallout that each of these things brings. Finding a way forward has been the focus, creating a new normal and getting on with things has been what we have tried to do. And within that has been some questioning about my motivations that are typical when I experience this sort of disconnect.

I have wondered what I am doing here. I have wondered why and for how long I will continue to blog. I have wondered what I hope to achieve and asked if this is what I really want to be doing. I have thought about my purpose and questioned what it was that kept me going and made it important all this time. And I don’t have any answers. I know that recently the things that brought me joy haven’t done in quite the same way. I am going through the motions I suppose and in some areas, I have stopped doing that.

I think that I need to get back. I need to stop thinking and start doing and see what happens with that. But some of my thinking has led me to question elements in a longer term way. I have always used writing as a way to process and so in some ways, when I don’t do it, I become stuck. Writing is helping. It is getting it all out and although I don’t have the answers yet, being able to explore the questions is allowing me to slowly unstick myself.

So apologies if my space becomes quite introspective for a while. I think that is just what I need to do to find out where I am going. I don’t want to stop. I don’t want to give up, but I need to feel something more than I have done for the past few weeks and I am not sure how to get past that without writing it out of my head. I hope that will allow me to get back in sync with myself again, and so I am writing to reach that part of me.

Posted in Mental Health, Submissive Journal.

32 Comments

  1. Hi. All of these things you are going through are very common during grief specially the feeling lost and the tiredness. Be gentle with yourself. It takes time.

  2. Oh Missy. I wish I could reach out and give you a hug and tell you everything would be fine. And honestly…maybe selfishly…wishing you’d tell me the same. I’m in the same place as you…out of sync with J, out of sync with myself. To know you are experiencing the same is both comforting and disheartening because I don’t wish this “out-of-syncness” on anyone. I can only hope that on the other side, we can look back and remember this season of life as necessary to our growth…making us better versions of ourselves, better submissives. In any case, know that what you do for all of us who follow you matters – especially your honesty and transparency. Keep your head up, sister. This too shall pass…

    • I am so sorry to hear that you are going through the same thing, but as you say there is a comfort in knowing that we aren’t alone. I think this pandemic is taking its toll on so many of us now and it seems hard to find the energy to keep looking for positive ways to move forward. As you say, we will be stronger for it. Thank you for teaching out like this xx

  3. Take all the space and time you need and be as introspective as will help. Sorry that you are going through such a hard season. Life has tough seasons that challenge our ability to be what we wish to be and are on our better days. Hope you find yourself and your joy on the journey.

    • Thank you QH. You have always been such a grace support and encouragement to me. I really do appreciate your kind words. x

  4. As a reader of your work I am grateful for anything that you post, knowing that it takes time and effort to create a thoughtful blog essay and launch it into the world. It is a gift to the readers in the purest sense and not in any way an obligation to us. I know several writes and they all go through slow seasons from time to time. Please distract and refresh yourself for a while and we will be looking forward for when you are ready to post again.

    • What a lovely comment to receive so thank you very much for taking the time. I find it does help to write it all down so hopefully I will be able to work through my feelings and find my creativity again. x

  5. I’m sorry that you feel this way missy, and I hope that it is only a temporary part of your life and that things will improve soon. Make sure to take care of yourself during these times.

  6. I am sad that you have such feelings. I constantly read your blog and found a lot of interesting and instructive in it. I hope that over time your condition will improve and you will be able to further delight your readers with new articles and share your clever thoughts in them.

    • Thank you Lisa. It is kind of you to say that and I hope to get back to what I was writing before once I have processed some of the feeling I have currently. x

  7. There are many people in this collective space that hold great admiration for you, missy. Our connection to ourselves and to others ebbs and flows, like everything else. This ongoing pandemic, on top of the other painful/stressful events in your life that you have mentioned are surely taking their toll. I hope that you feel more connected to the beautiful person that is you soon 🙂

    • Thank you Nora. You are so kind and reading these comments I remember just why I am here and what it is I get from it. I know it is probably a response to a tough time but it is good to know that I am able to talk about it here. x

      • I have always been a big fan of journaling…and I have found that often times, blogging is like journaling for me, but with a very supportive audience. I am glad that you feel safe and comfortable talking in this space… I have been following you for years now and know that you are beloved by many. Hope things look up soon 🙂

  8. Missy dont ever be apologetic for introspection. You have lost someone close to you. Work takes its toll as well, never mind during a pandemic. Connections change and evolve depending on time and place. At its centre is you and HL, & you have each other xxx any time you need to vent please say and am here to listen xx

  9. Missy,
    Your blog is my go to for escape after a long day. The pandemic adds an extra element to many of life’s struggles. We put my failing elderly father in assisted living and it has been a greater challenge with Covid So, don’t make any drastic decisions under the stress of today, please. You brighten many lives with your blog.
    Tom

    • Aww Tom thank you so much for your kind words of support. I don’t mean to give up blogging more that I had to write about what was on my mind. And I do think there need to be some changes too. It sounds like your year has been very tough too. Sending you positive thoughts x

  10. You know lots about my story. Grief is hard. Couple it with the drain the pandemic adds to the professional obligations and it’s the perfect storm for questioning everything. Fatigue is real. Mental, emotional, and physical. Tread water for a bit. Reach out to those who you feel comfortable touching. And rest. Hugs, my distant friend.

    • You brought me tears again but more because of the kindness than the sadness which is a good place to be in. Thank you for knowing and seeing and understanding ❤️

  11. Larvae encyst themselves before they become butterflies. It takes time and you can’t rush it.
    How about relating to memories of the one you lost, so they live on in you.

  12. Hello Missy. I was happy to see your blog post because I am a loyal reader and wondered what was going on because of the hiatus. Yes, this is so familiar to me. When an overwhelming emotion enters my headspace, I can get pretty beat up. Grief, worry, fear – any of the biggies can really get to me (especially because I am a major empath and feel everything deeply). I enjoy a long term M/s dynamic and it usually feels right and good unless I’m overwhelmed by these emotions. When I am really reacting in an empath way, I feel pretty ‘beat up’. When that overtakes me I cannot feel my submission very well. I fight back to get my feet on solid ground again. It takes time and T.I.M.E. stands for ‘this I must earn’. I just have to wait it out until I can climb back to the land of the living. Fortunately I have a very understanding Dom. These are times I need his support to just ‘float’ through it all and get back. At times like this I remind myself of the expression ‘tie another knot and hang on’. It works but doesn’t make the time go any faster. I believe those like us have to ‘feel our feels’ and move on.

    hugs xoxoxox

    • Thank is helpful Elskling so thank you for sharing how things work for you. It is good that I posted again because it did really help me and the kind words of support have also meant a lot. Hugs x

  13. You need this introspection, need to write about it, to get back to yourself, and acknowledging that is a giant first step. Take all the time you need to do your introspection, Missy, and I will be here to cheer you on and offer you a shoulder for when you need to lean on someone. I look forward to reading your introspection, as I always learn something from it. I will always be here for you, my friend!
    ~ Marie xox

  14. i wanted to share with you some things. I am praying for you guys. grief is hard. it sucks. you feel fine one minute then you feel like you are in a hole you can’t seem to climb out of. lean on those around you for support, for love, for comfort. be kind and gentle with yourself. You have given my husband and i a wonderful gift and outlook for ourselves. We have become more bold in our communication and our lifestyle has been such an uplifting part of who we are. We have you and HL to thank for that. We are forever grateful to you for that. As much as we love your blog, we want you happy first and foremost. We have been followers for about a year now. and we just celebrated our one year anniversary d/s lifestyle and are loving it. Thank you for everything. You and HL are such a blessing. We are here for you. We love you guys!

    • What lovely things to say. I thank you very much for that. I am so pleased to hear that you and your husband are doing so well and enjoying your D/s relationship. That is wonderful to hear and i am really glad that you are enjoying the blog. Thank you for taking time to read and comment. Missy x

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