When life feels reduced in so many ways, it can be difficult to see opportunities. It can be hard to see any day as a fresh start when it feels like groundhog day every day, no matter how hard you try or how much you might want to. Feeling inspired is good for you. Feeling bored is not. Finding your inspiration is central and I have written recently about ways I have been channeling this. But it doesn’t always work.
One of the areas that I think has been affected is sexually. I know what I should be doing but sometimes it can be a struggle to motivate myself at the time. I start the day well but by the end of it, my desire can be at a low ebb. One good thing about being submissive is that it is not my choice when we play and what we do. Of course, if there were an issue for me HL would take it into account but simply feeling listless is not something that would stop things.
Sometimes this works well because, if he finds his own motivations, it kick starts me and I come to life. What I am not doing, is enough of the things that would kick start my own drive and I feel caught in a circle a bit. I am not only short of variation in a day, other people to spark off and a sense of control over what is happening, but also I feel pretty rubbish in terms of my self-confidence.
I know that I have tried to be positive about the aging process, but recently the signs of how much I have aged are hard to escape. I can dress myself up for a not bad for age category, but the fact remains, I know the truth and presenting the positives for others doesn’t hide the negatives for myself. If anything, my work to conceal the flaws only draws my own attention to them.
Now, on a rational level I am ok with aging. It happens to us all and there is no point in fighting it, but it does affect the way I view myself and it plays into my self-esteem. Essentially it doesn’t make me feel sexy and can actually make my feel unsexy. The expectation of me is that I will be available to HL whenever he wants me. That is my own expectation as well as his, just to clarify.
Along with it is the expectation that I will submit to his will and let go of my own. This is the part I am finding hard. I find that I can’t rid my head of some of the things which don’t look or work as they used to. I have the body of a 50 year old. It is not bad for a 50 year old but it doesn’t make me feel good to work with those changes. I think that this is having an impact on my motivation to play and my ability to let go.
I will try to work at this but thought I would share as I imagine that there are others out there who might be able to relate. I am not sure what the answer is or if I can ever be someone who loves my body and feels positive about it, but I do want to keep trying. I think that lockdown has made me more introspective which hasn’t helped, so hopefully when we go back to doing the things we like for us, things will feel easier and hornier again.
I know that I need to see each day as a fresh start and not write things off based on the fact it is very easy to fall into a cyclical pattern of listlessness. Pushing myself to do the things I mean to will help as behavioural changes so often do. I need to see past the lack of privacy and opportunity to create the sexual charge and play in that ways that we want to, and put some of the good intentions that I have into action.