fresh start

Every day is a fresh start ~ C for challenge

When life feels reduced in so many ways, it can be difficult to see opportunities. It can be hard to see any day as a fresh start when it feels like groundhog day every day, no matter how hard you try or how much you might want to. Feeling inspired is good for you. Feeling bored is not. Finding your inspiration is central and I have written recently about ways I have been channeling this. But it doesn’t always work.

One of the areas that I think has been affected is sexually. I know what I should be doing but sometimes it can be a struggle to motivate myself at the time. I start the day well but by the end of it, my desire can be at a low ebb. One good thing about being submissive is that it is not my choice when we play and what we do. Of course, if there were an issue for me HL would take it into account but simply feeling listless is not something that would stop things.

Sometimes this works well because, if he finds his own motivations, it kick starts me and I come to life. What I am not doing, is enough of the things that would kick start my own drive and I feel caught in a circle a bit. I am not only short of variation in a day, other people to spark off and a sense of control over what is happening, but also I feel pretty rubbish in terms of my self-confidence.

I know that I have tried to be positive about the aging process, but recently the signs of how much I have aged are hard to escape. I can dress myself up for a not bad for age category, but the fact remains, I know the truth and presenting the positives for others doesn’t hide the negatives for myself. If anything, my work to conceal the flaws only draws my own attention to them.

Now, on a rational level I am ok with aging. It happens to us all and there is no point in fighting it, but it does affect the way I view myself and it plays into my self-esteem. Essentially it doesn’t make me feel sexy and can actually make my feel unsexy. The expectation of me is that I will be available to HL whenever he wants me. That is my own expectation as well as his, just to clarify.

Along with it is the expectation that I will submit to his will and let go of my own. This is the part I am finding hard. I find that I can’t rid my head of some of the things which don’t look or work as they used to. I have the body of a 50 year old. It is not bad for a 50 year old but it doesn’t make me feel good to work with those changes. I think that this is having an impact on my motivation to play and my ability to let go.

I will try to work at this but thought I would share as I imagine that there are others out there who might be able to relate. I am not sure what the answer is or if I can ever be someone who loves my body and feels positive about it, but I do want to keep trying. I think that lockdown has made me more introspective which hasn’t helped, so hopefully when we go back to doing the things we like for us, things will feel easier and hornier again.

I know that I need to see each day as a fresh start and not write things off based on the fact it is very easy to fall into a cyclical pattern of listlessness. Pushing myself to do the things I mean to will help as behavioural changes so often do. I need to see past the lack of privacy and opportunity to create the sexual charge and play in that ways that we want to, and put some of the good intentions that I have into action.

Posted in Feeling Good, Sexuality.

9 Comments

  1. I have also had a hard time feeling sexy or getting into a sexual mindset lately. While I hear what you’re saying about it being related to age and how you see yourself, I wonder if like me, it stems from not doing the things that make you feel sexy.
    For instance, I barely have reason to dress as of late as there’s no where to go. I haven’t had a haircut in, I don’t even know how long. The gym is closed and so is the place I tan. These things seems silly in my mind, but I realise how much the affect how I see myself and ultimately how sexy I feel.
    I hope this soon turns around for you. I think you’re gorgeous, inside and out 🙂

    • Thank you so much Mrs K and I think that there is a lot of truth to what you say. There is no one to spark off in many ways and less to make the effort for and I don’t think that’s a positive thing for feeling sexy either. Missy x

  2. I think not finding the sexy is pretty understandable. But I would say that if age and your perception of aging is stopping you from letting go then trying to let go is always going to be a challenge. I do hope you find a path that you feel happier with. I know having seen your body that you are a sexy woman, 50 or not, and deserve that feeling of blissful submission.

    • Thank you PS you are very kind and supportive. I think I just need to work it through and find a way to embrace the changes. Missy x

  3. Funnily enough, this morning I thought of my upcoming birthday, when I turn 54, and then the fact that I am turning 55 next year, and then it will be all downhill to 60. SIXTY! As always with my thoughts, the next one was that I am not the flexible young woman I was, that I find some physical things so much harder than 10 or 15 years ago. That I definitely have the body of an almost 54-year old. And, that body isn’t always in the mood to do things; the same with this 54 year old mind. I think MrsK is onto something, that not having places to go and dress up for, we just lose the feeling of sexy. Maybe we should have a sexy dress up day every week, be it Saturday or Sunday, but where you dress up as if you’re going out? Do you think that will work? Something to ponder…
    ~ Marie xox

    • I am still mulling over all of these thoughts. I do feel a bit like the clock is ticking re the images I post. I think it is right about making the effort to dress up too. Something is certainly being lost. So yes – I might be in it we try this dress up day. Missy x

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