What does being a submissive mean?
First of all, there is a difference between being submissive and being a submissive. One is an adjective which describes something you are and the other is a noun which is the name for something you are. I also believe that being submissive in a D/s sense is an identity, or at least if forms part of mine and so sometimes people will be submissives without being in a relationship where they are actively submitting to someone.
For some, it can be about who they are and the sort of relationship they would like so it is there even if there are single. In addition, some people are submissive in the bedroom and others take it further so that the are living a submissive lifestyle. So essentially the term submissive in a BDSM context can be used to describe your sexual identity, your sexual role or a the part you play in a power exchange relationship.
Being a submissive person does not mean that you are a submissive and neither does being a submissive make you a submissive person. It is a consensual choice you make where you agree to submit in certain ways to the authority of a Dominant. Submissive as an adjective means ready to conform to the authority or will of others; meekly obedient or passive. Submissive as a noun is about conforming to the authority or will of a specific person in a consensual power exchange, whether that is long term, short term, bedroom only or a lifestyle choice.
Was becoming HL’s submissive the start?
That said, I have wondered when being a submissive really started for me. Clearly I have documented the beginning of my journey as married submissive here, but I am not sure if actually it was something that was always there. I have also been clear about the fact that it wasn’t until much before we started this journey that I realised that being submissive described what I wanted and felt.
At this time, I went back over my life up until that point and combed it for clues. While I had an epiphany about what I was and could finally articulate it, I was only putting into words what I had long since felt. It was like a penny dropping and even though up until then I had not been living a submissive lifestyle, it explained many of my natural tendencies and traits. I recognise too that others may share these traits and not identify as I do, but for me, it answered questions that I had never had answers for before.
A need for structure and routine
As a teenager I craved structure and routine and was happiest when I was clear about the expectations of myself and of others. I felt most comfortable with strong characters who were natural leaders or authority figures. I responded well to environments that had these conditions and felt safe and relaxed when these elements were present. I also struggled when there was a lack of structure and routine, no clarity of expectations and the absence of anyone I could turn to or rely on who seemed to know what they were doing and would take control and responsibility.
A need to feel things were under control
I had a need to feel things were in control, preferably someone else’s but failing that, I would rely on myself to create the order that I needed. Sometimes this was a good thing but at others it was not healthy. Other aspects of my childhood led to me being extremely self-conscious and and trying to regulate my behaviour and responses by being very self-controlled. I am not sure whether natural personality traits leant themselves to submission, or if my formative years led me to where I am today, but I do see that it is all linked.
While I have no interest in a position where I am leading, I will take the front to champion those who I feel need it and I have always had the tendency to do that. While I feel calm in a submissive role to HL, I am not naturally submissive as a person. The only area where submission comes naturally is sexually, and looking back, this has always been the case. As a teen I wanted to explore, but found relationships where others would push that forward.
Being sexually submissive
I craved an intimacy that led me to be really open with those who I was in relationships with. I followed their lead in terms of what we did and sometimes, this was to my detriment. I would find it easier to keep them happy and do what they wanted than to assert myself in a sexual sense with them. I wanted to make them feel good and although I was always clear about limits and boundaries, I got pleasure in pleasing them on that level.
I know now that much of what I did came from being in a submissive headspace, especially where exploration was concerned. Being pushed outside my comfort zone can make me feel like that so I don’t think that is something that has come with submission and is more part of why submission works so well for me. That said, without proper Dominance it was all a bit hollow and mostly there was a feeling that I wanted a more that I could not explain.
The things that turned me on
Then there were the things that turned me on. I learnt to voice these with caution as they would made me “weird”. I thought about them though. I imagined being made to do things that were wrong in various shapes and forms. Those thoughts brought about that same strange feeling I had as a child when we played Doctors and Nurses and I was the patient. I didn’t know way back then it was sexual arousal but I knew that it was a strange feeling that I liked.
They boys I was with as a teenager didn’t know enough about female sexual pleasure to achieve the sort of headspace that I craved often but when I was alone, I could explore those dark thoughts in a much more satisfactory way. I enjoyed the experimentation for what it was, but once tried, there was a tendency to want to move on the the next thrill. I realise now that the excitement for me is rooted in my head and that the way to keep that alive is through the sort of erotic humiliation that was only in my fantasies until I met HL.