It takes courage to surrender. We are designed to want to feel in control of things. We crave routine and order and a sense of, well … things making sense really. But often that is not what we find. It can be exhausting when we try to control elements that we have no influence over. I have appreciated for a while the peace that comes with surrender of control and this is something that I enjoy as a submissive.
With other areas of my life it has been harder because I thought that I needed someone else to be in control before I could surrender, but I have discovered that this is not the case. I had a bit of an epiphany in this regard not so long ago. I realised that I was battling with life and with the nonsense that it seemed to be throwing over me. So many rules that made no sense, no sense of leadership or of a clear vision.
I was struggling big time. I was a victim of the ever changing scenery and landscape that last year brought. The expectations on me were ridiculous and the ones I placed on myself were even more so. I wrote here about the range of emotions I went through and ultimately, I think I was left with an anger and a frustration that actaully made me physically unwell. I detached from the emotion of it all and that helped.
It was a little while after that acceptance came, and a big part of that was about my own surrender to it. I don’t mean that I gave up. I will never stop trying, or caring or hoping. But I suppose I lay down and sort of embraced my own feelings. I acknowledged my hurt and my fear. I stopped trying to fix those those emotions and accepted that they were part of me and of my own situation. I let myself feel them, properly for once.
This process took a while as I was still distracted by trying to fix things for others but slowly I came to the realisation that the only way to really make things better for myself was to surrender and stop thinking in the way I had been. I have been happier since then. My focus has been on the things that I can change and on enjoying the small triumphs and the beauty that is around me.
It has been a helpful approach and is one that I will try to address more in the future. It has caused me less stress and less worry to give up my fight against a system that will not give me the answers or the direction I need. I have stopped wasting time on those thoughts and turned my attentions to thinking about the simple things. From this has come clarity of focus and an energy to surround myself with the things that bring me pleasure.
It takes courage to turn away. It is hard not to be drawn in and to keep moving forward in a struggle even when we know the outcome cannot be positive. Even when we know the situation will have no winner because it is not like that. I have learnt a lot this past year about acceptance and this has allowed me to surrender and, therefore, to free myself emotionally from the conflict I feel.
Ultimately I don’t need these battles. I am content with what I have and there is freedom for me in walking away. Surrendering and opening myself up to these feelings has meant a focus on myself and what is good for me. It has been a little about self-preservation and a lot about self-care. Being more mindful has meant a focus on what is more meaningful and has lead to feeling generally more at peace, so I think that surrender is good for me.
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