There are some things I have found interesting about impulsivity and how being a submissive has made a difference to it. Like many of my traits, submission seems to have built on the positives while allowing me to move away from some of my less positive behaviours. There are a number of ways that I can see these changes and while being impulsive is often seen as a negative in terms of behaviours which are not well considered, I believe that it can be really helpful to creating energy in a relationship.
Some general thoughts about impulsivity
Impulsivity describes a tendency to react to stimuli quickly and without much thought. It often involves unplanned risky behaviour, action without forethought, and decreased sensitivity to immediate or long-term consequences.
Clearly behaving in this sort of way can be detrimental and, if done a lot or in the wrong situations, can have negative outcomes for a person or those around them. But in general terms, I don’t believe that being impulsive is always negative. Usually my thoughts don’t tend to put me badly at risk. Neither do they have outcomes which are harmful to myself or to others, so the long-term consequences aren’t always significant.
I will admit that during periods of unhappiness, I have tended to have impulsions which are less balanced. At times I acted in a way which was a little out of control, but I think that this was a reaction to the circumstances I was in. When I feel trapped, something inside me seems to build and I search for answers and push boundaries, looking for a sort of emotional hit I suppose.
I sometimes wonder if that is why when things become comfortable in life, we slip into a period where we feel contentment and our behaviour changes in response to feeling settled. For some relationships this can translate into an overfamiliarity which feels less exciting than previously. I know that for myself, I still get the impulsive thoughts, but I tend to act on them less. The moment passes more quickly and the lack of action isn’t always a blessing.
Impulsivity and creativity
I am not sure what studies have been done on the links between impulsivity and creativity, but I can see myself from working with young people with ADHD that they are often highly creative in their thinking. Impulsivity is one of the key traits of ADHD but it also seems to allow for quick thinking which can lead to brilliant and alternative solutions, as the thoughts are less inhibited.
In contrast, I think that sometimes considered thought can prevent this sort of ‘blue sky thinking’. I realise that for someone whose attention can move swiftly from one thing to another, it can mean that projects are started and not completed, but I am often struck by the energy and passion that allows them to be realised in the first place. For some of us, considered thinking and experience to exercise caution can allow the risks to get in the way.
But what does this have to do with being a submissive?
For me, impulsivity is a positive benefit of being a submissive for a number of reasons. Submission has allowed me to feel calmer, safer and more considered. This sounds like it would discourage impulsivity and I do feel that it does inhibit the rash, risk taking responses that I sometimes had in the past. But what it does do it to allow me to feel less responsible, less like I have to be in control of everything, and freer to focus on the sorts of things that are fun and I would do in an ideal world.
Freedom from my self-control
Essentially being submissive works against the over thinking which can quash my impulsivity and make me see the negatives to each potential situation. It allows me freedom from the thoughts that hold me back. I am a deep thinker and a planner. This can be helpful for reflection and evaluation but it often stops me from doing the things which pop into my head. I process fast, imagining the negatives in a situation and can end up talking myself out of something that really, I would be fine to do.
I set myself ridiculous standards which mean that I can never quite match up and this puts pressure on me when making decisions because it feels like whatever I choose it won’t be good enough. My critical thinking skills lead me to search for the perfect solution and most times, that does not exist. It is impossible to be impulsive in these situations and often times good ideas are left behind because of potential difficulties. Being submissive allows me to follow through on some of these impulsive ideas because I hand over the decision making to HL.
Feeling I am not responsible relieves the pressure and allows me to take the calculated risks that I wouldn’t do otherwise. In a power exchange each plays to their own strengths and mine are meticulous planning, the ability to anticipate issues and provide a solution to those. I have no desire to lead and to take control but these are HL’s strengths and he approaches decision making with a far more rational and less emotional response.
Encouraging intimacy by encouraging action
In previous relationships, I found that many of my intimate thoughts during the day became lost. This was largely down to circumstances as they would inhibit opportunities to act on impulsions for sexual connection. Even with HL, prior to D/s we found that holiday times when we were relaxed had the chance to be alone, things were more intimate. Day to day life would get in the way of this and we would feel less close.
Being submissive means that the impulsivity in thoughts like these is not lost. Rather they are shared, despite the fact that they may not be acted upon. I will simply express then and HL will use that to find a way to make something happen, or to carry it on to a request for later. This works well for us because those intentions are not lost. They are built upon and they feed the expression of desire that each has for the other. It creates excitement and anticipation, making us both feel wanted and considered.
Providing opportunities for exploration and pushing boundaries
Sharing your innermost thoughts and desires also promotes the connection between you. I trust HL and know that he is, in a sense, the check and balance to my thoughts. Therefore I am able to express my fantasies in a way which means articulating the things that turn me on about them as well as the things which scare me about them. It took me a while to get past the fact that I didn’t want to do everything I thought about and so would hold back.
Requiring to be more open about these things and trusting HL to explore those boundaries with me has allowed me to go with things that I would not have considered before. In a submissive headspace my impulsivity will be free to show itself because he will do the thinking through of consequences. For someone who overthinks and is cautious this is really helpful as it stops my anxieties from taking over.
This has allowed us to explore areas I would not have predicted. It has been a vehicle for me to share my ideas and creative thoughts, not just about sexual endeavours but about projects in other areas too. I am in a place where I can let me mind run away and be supported in pursuing things which I would have held back from before due to the potential of negative consequences.
A final thought about impulsivity and being submissive
So while impulsivity can be a negative thing in some circumstances, my own experience as a submissive is that it has positive benefits to making things work well within our dynamic. It allows us to feel connected, to excite each other, to explore in a way which is manageable. It means that we don’t hold back, we say what we feel and what turns us on, despite how impractical that might seem at the time. Being impulsive keeps us creative, always looking for the next thrill and acting upon those thoughts and ideas.
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