Submissive Goals - looking in the mirror

Submissive Goals ~ Looking in the Mirror

Setting Some Submissive Goals

This is the third part in response to Setting Goals for D/s. It is not the final part because we will use our reflection to agree some joint goals and HL is still working through his. However, doing this has thrown up some things for me already so I thought I would go ahead and set some personal submissive goals. Looking in the mirror has been significant for me and I can say that I am not too proud about what I have seen.

We have already discussed our responses to the first four questions and it was quite illuminating to see what HL had written so far. None of it came as a surprise as we speak quite openly about these sorts of questions during the course of chatting about things. But somehow seeing it written down in black and white felt more pressing. Perhaps in discussion it is easier to skirt around the issues? Or perhaps in conversation it flows more quickly with less time to absorb what is being said or be held accountable?

A Reality Check

Seeing it written down and then thinking about it was a bit of a wake up call I guess. I realised that in some ways I have withdrawn my submission. While I knew this before, I felt justified: It was in response to receiving less dominance over an extended period of time. I knew that I felt less submissive. I knew that I craved more. So I suppose I put the ball firmly in HL’s court and felt ok about that. This task made me feel not ok. And that, by the way, is a good thing.

In addition, when I was doing my own reflection for the earlier parts of this task, I remembered about a post I had written a while ago which was about submissive questions. When I read it over I got a swift kick up the arse in the form of a reality check. That submissive was gone. That behaviour was gone. That mindset was gone. So basically I am taking it back. It is mine after all. I don’t have to give it up if I don’t want it, so I reclaim that part of me.

I think sometimes it is hard not to slip into the wrong mindset. If you feel that your needs are not all met, then the natural default can be to try to protect yourself. In order to curb my expectations of what I might get from D/s, I have curbed my expectations of myself. While all the time wanting more, I have offered less. Because I did this in response to the situation I found myself in, I felt it was ok. Now I don’t feel that. Now I feel that if I want it all I should give it my all and see what happens.

Looking Back at my Submission

This is what I wrote back in March 2017 as part of my post about the submissive questions I ask myself.

Does He know that I am thinking about Him? What things have I done to show him that today? What else can I do to let him know that he is at the front of my mind? These are the sort of questions that I need to ask myself as part of my reflection. If I am not sure what his answer would be if someone were to ask him if I was thinking about him and how he knew, then I know that I need to try harder.

Does He feel my want and need for Him? Have I shown him that I crave his control or Dominance? Have I indicated that I need his protection and love? Have I connected with him physically and let him see my desire for him?  Again, I need to ask myself these things each day and then act upon the answers if I want our dynamic to be strong.

This has allowed me to see the change and the different place I am in at the moment, not in terms of D/s but in terms of submission. Being honest, I don’t think I have asked myself these sorts of questions for a while. And now that I do, I don’t think the answers would be entirely positive. I could be doing more. I could be doing a lot more. At the time I wrote, I was confident that the answers would all be yes. I think now I would elicit sometimes and sort of and maybe even at points, no.

So What Went Wrong?

Looking back, I see that I felt hurt at what wasn’t there. I was caught up in feeling that my behaviour, my submission, was what was supporting the dynamic. This made me feel unsubmissive and as if I was pushing it. I wanted to feel HL’s Dominance rather than feeling that he was just responding to my submission. D/s was always my dream. I had asked him for it and so I had always done a lot of encouraging and coaching. I am a teacher after all and I applied the same strategies as I would for active learning.

I used my active submission to encourage a Dominance I knew was there, but I always hoped that there would be an end to that and that he would take over. Leapfrog I think is the term! I wanted to be challenged. I didn’t want to know what was coming next and to feel that I had been part of its design. I wanted to be caught off guard. To be tested. To have my boundaries pushed so that I was pushed, out of my usual mindset and into my submissive space where things work differently and my submission becomes an integral part of me.

I wrote about wanting to give up control to the point that my submission stops being an active choice in my previous post and that has been a big part. I felt we were at the point where I wanted, and needed, HL to own his type of Dominance rather than trying to be what I wanted him to be. I wanted him to take my submission from me, to prove that he wanted it I guess. Anyway, for this to happen, I made my submission less available.

I don’t say that was the right thing to do and I have already said that I was not pleased about what I found when I reflected, but the whole point of this exercise is to reflect honestly so that we can move forward. Honestly, I feel I can still justify what I did and why, but honestly I can also see that this is not going to bring me the sort of relationship I want. What I hope is that by working harder at submission myself, the environment will allow HL to be firmer in his Dominance.

What Happens Now?

Of course, we may remain where we are now. And don’t get me wrong: we are not in a bad place. We are simply in a place that we have been in for a while and there hasn’t been the sort of growth that either of us wanted. I can see now that I have probably limited the chance of this by making it too hard. I had really tried with my active approach and it hadn’t had the results I hoped for. We discussed it all so we knew where we were with things, but looking at it now, I can see that this approach hasn’t worked either.

I hope that HL gets as much from this exercise as I have and we can move things forward, but in the meantime I plan to concentrate on the questions above by setting them as my submissive goals.

Submissive Goals

Show that I am thinking about him 

  • What things have I done to show him that today? What else can I do to let him know that he is at the front of my mind?
  • I would rate myself currently at about a 6 out of 10 for this. I know what 10 looks like as I was confidently there for a long time, so I think this is possible.

Show my want and need for Him? 

  • Have I shown him that I crave his control or Dominance? Have I indicated that I need his protection and love? Have I connected with him physically and let him see my desire for him?
  • With this one I would give myself 4 out of 10. I have told him that I want and need all of these things. I have done this through discussion and writing but it in reality, my actions, or lack of, speak differently.

Moving Forwards

So basically I lowered my expectations in line with his Dominance and matched my submission to that, hoping for more. That did not work out. My show me when you’re ready and I will respond approach has not led to him asserting himself in the ways I wanted. It was no more successful than using my submission to encourage his dominance in terms of moving us forward, and it has probably damaged his confidence as he wasn’t ready to do it.

I hope that he is ready now. He has said all along that he is, but like me, this has not been converted into and actions and behaviour which say the same. We reach plateaus in terms of our D/s growth and we have been on one of those for a while. Perhaps this is where we are destined to be but really there is no point in me asking what more I could do and then taking no action. So these submissive goals will be my personal focus for now and I will see what that brings.

Related Posts:
Submissive Traits and Qualities
What I want from being submissive

© Submissy

Posted in Dom Sub Workbook, Submissive Journal and tagged , , , , .


  1. Thank you for opening up here. I have found that my thoughts have run in similar circles over the last while. I have tried to rectify them and take action, and have at times. We still struggle with the depth of success being a pocket in time currently.The fact that I have realized what has happened does not make it any easier. I wish being enlightened led to an easier path, quicker.

    I used to live by the motto, ” Be the sub you need him to want”, however the healthy reality is ,”Be the sub YOU need to be”. Leaving out the last bit is key, but not as easy to sustain emotionally at times. It has not been difficult for me to be the sub I need to be, until I have felt hurt or have had some other emotional response . During those times my submission then becomes an emotional burden to me and I notice the gap between submission and dominance. Try as I might I still often switch the focus away from me. I am able to try and refocus again later, but often there is some price to pay, even subtly. Over time all these subtle moments have taken root and have created more of a disconnect than I would like between my authentic myself and the one I share.

    I wish you well charting these waters together.


    • I can relate to what you are saying here. I think it is protection of myself to limit what I keep putting in if I feel it isn’t reciprocated. I don’t mean that in a bad way but it’s better for both of us if I don’t have unrealistic expectations so I adapt sometimes to suit what is happening at that time if that makes sense. The effect is less when really I want more. Or give and take, or submission and dominance. Thank you for your thoughtful comment. It helps to talk with others who feel the same. Missy x

  2. I always admire the clear way in which you express your thoughts, the way you reflect on yourself, your acts, your feelings. Every time I read a post of you, I notice that I think about my own life, and ask myself the same questions. Like I said before, I will work through the workbook too, but in a way I am “afraid” of the answers I might find there. But it is something I want to do, and will share.
    ~ Marie xox

  3. I adore the way you can evaluate your short comings and access how to do better – but it has been a difficult time for any kind of growth or progression other than thinking a lot lol – But I think the submissive goals you have set are excellent and should feature in any relationship dynamic – they certainly made me think of my own partnership and I found myself thinking I should do better. Great post Missy – I have missed the middle one – will check it out
    May xx

    • Thank you May. I know what you mean about growth being limited. I do feel that we could do better even with the current limitations though. I am always one for trying to be realistic and taking account of circumstances but it feels like there is space within that and within me to do better. Missy x

  4. Very clearly put missy, making you a great example to all lovers. Putting submission aside how have I made my man feel as if I am thinking of him, and have I demonstrated in any way I need him? Hanging head low I can answer no instantly because he asked me the other day “you do still love me don’t you?”
    I am guilty of getting on with life, head down, hoping everyone else I love is steering their own course while I fight my private battles. But you’ve made me realise this is no way to run a partnership / a loving team. Thank you missy for the wake-up call. I very much hope this post helps us both get ourselves on the right track.

    • Wow posy. I am so pleased that reading this made you think too. I do think these questions for work every relationship so it’s not about submission but more part of my submission that I should think of them. Thanks for the feedback. Missy x

  5. This is absolutely me this past year!! I think I would have the same almost word for word. It encourages me to know we’re not the only ones with this struggle. I think we definitely need to do this same exercise. Thanks for being transparent Missy!

    • Thanks QH. I often think the way we feel and respond is quite similar so I am glad that it was helpful. Missy x

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