This is the second part of my response to Setting Goals for D/s which is part of a new Dom Sub Workbook I am creating over on The SafeworD/s Club. Part 1 was about my positive Submissive Traits and Qualities and also about the negatives ones which can be barriers. In this part I will focus on questions about what I want from being submissive. While I want to be realistic, this is also about how I would like things to be as it will lead to setting some goals for us to work on.
So basically this is how I would like it to be, within the restrictions we have. By this I don’t mean so much the traits from the last task, but more the limits of our lives: full time jobs which are quite stressful and demanding, a large family, parents with health conditions, and lots of things which draw on the resources that we could be utilising for our D/s relationship. Clearly there is also the issue of the current restrictions on movement which means that we are more limited to home than ever before.
What do you want from Dominance or submission?
3. What are the things that you would like from your submission?
Being in a Dominant or submissive headspace doesn’t just happen. It is about how we think, how we feel and how we behave.
Make a list for each of the three areas: thoughts, feelings and behaviour.
I would like to think more submissively. I would like to stop second guessing and questioning. While I gave up expecting to really change my thinking any further than I have done already, I am aware that when I am pushed into my submissive headspace, there is a clear difference. There tends to be no pushback then and I do think more submissively. Currently this has been achieved when the Dominance has been stronger and more continually applied. It has also happened when my boundaries are being pushed and I move beyond my comfort zone.
I feel like my submissive mindset is something that I choose to adopt. I have agreed to submit to HL therefore that is what I do. My mindset means that I am willing to do this but it doesn’t always come naturally. It is there in the background but it shares space with SO many other things. Although it is ever present, it requires me to draw upon it, especially when I am absorbed in something else.
My submissive headspace is totally different. It is not something I choose but something that happens. It is something that I am, at that particular time. As I have said, it has happened for extended periods and so while I know that it is not always easy to access, with the right conditions it is eminently possible. We can’t always change the conditions in which we find ourselves, but nonetheless my ideal submission would find me in this headspace much more often.
I want to feel safe and I want to feel free. These are the things that I feel when I am in my submissive headspace. I feel like me, albeit a slightly different version of me. I feel like the other stuff in life matters less, as if it doesn’t impact me in the same way. I feel much more focussed, much more alive. I feel happier and calmer and more like I know what my purpose is. It is an amazing escape. My head is quiet and only really has the one train of thought. All distractions are quelled.
While I live with the remnants of these feelings, they are not there as much as I would like in the intensity I would choose. They become dulled by the other things that are going on. My focus is pulled into other projects and my thoughts occupied in other things. I want to be able to feel the intensity much more of the time. I would like that to be the central feeling with the others fitting in around it. I want the excitement and the thrill that feeling like that can bring.
I want to be absorbed and be almost like an extension of what we have and what we are. To feel as if I am simply a part of that. I want to be able to close the door on life in its mundane form and fall into the fairly-tale world which I know exists but which I am not always in. I want to feel sexually used to the maximum which I know sounds odd but is something that feels so good to me.
This one is harder. I would like to be the sort of submissive who makes her Dominant proud. I want HL to feel like I will respond in the right way and to show me off to other people. A lot of this is to do with my behaviour and my responses. I have issues in some areas, mostly to do with my confidence and my hangups, and I would like to be able to overcome those so that I am able to react in the way that he wants and do the the things that he wants me to.
I also want to be able to behave more submissively in a general sense. I am respectful of course, but I doubt him at times. It isn’t that I don’t trust him because I do, but I wonder if he has thought of everything and feel that I have to ask about that. I want to be able to be more accepting and just go with it. When I am deeply submissive this does happen but at other times it is more of a conscious thing, so I suppose I would like my behaviour to be more subconsciously submissive rather than it being a conscious choice.
I think in terms of behaviour I could also loosen up and that would make things easier. I would like to be more playful and more carefree. To be more spontaneous and to go with his flow a bit more. I would also like to work on my language. I am respectful but I think there are times when my tone and the words I use could be much more considered. So in my ideal world, circumstances would allow me to be more relaxed and I would not illustrate my frustrations through these sorts of behaviours.
4. What do you want from a Dominant partner?
My ideal Dominant partner is, of course, the one I have already. I have no doubts about HL and know that he is the one for me. What I would like is for him to be more secure in the Dominant traits which I know are there. They can get lost at times, life I suppose, and it means that I don’t always feel his Dominance in a consistent way. I don’t want him to be stricter and more distant, I just want him to be stronger I think.
The qualities I would look for are a need or desire to lead and be in control. A clear vision and the ability to plan. Someone who communicates well, who is exciting and open to new ideas. Someone who is a good teacher and with patience and the confidence to pull me through whatever, or wherever it is they are taking me. Someone who listens to me and takes my thoughts and views into account and who makes me feel validated and important. Special even.
I would like a Dominant who is intuitive and who is empathetic, who is caring and can pick up on the subtleties of me. Someone who prioritises us and spending time together. Someone who makes me feel safe and as if I can let go of everything and hand it over to them to take care of. I want someone who is strong enough to manage my wriggling and to see it as the default response to anxiety, so to reassure me rather than giving up or giving in. Someone who sees us and our D/s as being at the forefront and who prioritises that.
Like I say, HL has all of these qualities and most of them are what attracted me to him and caused me to change my life to be with him. I suppose in a ideal world he would feel them stronger than he does and that would translate to a greater sense of Dominance of me and a stronger sense of submitting to him. Currently too much is on my terms and I want to operate more on his. I want to go deeper and ultimately I want him to take me there.
5. How do you see your D/s as working?
This is tricky because we are already in a D/s dynamic which is well established as a lifestyle thing. What I would like is for us to take things further than we have before. This would involve all areas so I am talking about the emotional connection and the lifestyle aspects as well as the bedroom D/s and the play. I want to be clear in terms of the expectations of myself as well as of HL. I want these to be consistently applied and important to both of us because they have value.
I see this as being a shared view but it creating an environment where boundaries can be pushed and we can both grow together as well as individually. I don’t see big changes, but more of a best practice type approach. In all honesty, we were making good progress and things were moving forward nicely when life sent a bit of a chain of events which derailed us a little. The important things shifted and we didn’t have the time to spend on ourselves as we had done before.
For this reason I think our growth as a couple has been in fits and starts rather than a constant thing and this is something that I would like to put right really. There is no reason now why we can’t be focussed on being the D/s couple that we want. Yes, there are practical restrictions which mean that we can’t play things out as we would wish but these should be barriers to overcome rather than complete blocks on progress. So there we have it. Part 2 which I hope will be enough to create some goals and some focus areas.
To find out more about the Dom sub workbook please click on the badge and follow the link