Every Saturday I clean the house. And every Saturday I have a cleaning orgasm. I have never written about this and I’m not sure why. That is I am not sure why I have never written about it as I have written about most other things I do, but also I am not sure why I am writing about it now. However, it happens. Whenever the cleaning is done, I hop in the shower (there is clearly a clean theme going on) and then slip back into my freshly made bed (that part seems odd as I have to mess it up) fetch one of my toys from out of the bedside table and let myself come.
I haven’t always done it of course. I used to have a cleaner for one thing. Even for me it would seem weird to make myself orgasm just because someone else had cleaned my home, although it might gave been a good excuse. Another thing was that I didn’t masturbate really, well not unless HL had told me to. My orgasms were his and although the intention of that wasn’t that I would become dependent on him to be part of an orgasm, that is what happened.
We changed that part of things when we realised. I have always been quite a sexual person and have always masturbated, so although it was good in some ways as it highlighted the importance of HL to my sexuality it also felt like it was quite limiting and not what we wanted. It was a hard call because in some ways it felt like I was more owned. My body knew whose it was and who to respond to, so it felt kind of like the ultimate submission that I had read about and been told about during my quest to learn more.
It was really just a psychological block though and, as such, it felt more limiting than empowering. I am not knocking anyone who is D/s who wants that as part of their dynamic of course; as you know, I preach the keep what works for you and leave the rest behind style rather than the one true way, but for me it caused a bit of a clash. I teach sex ed. I believe in knowing your own body and how it works. I believe in sexual exploration and in enjoying what turns you on. I believe in feeling positive about your own body and being in tune with it.
I think that to really experience pleasure, you have to be able to feel good about yourself, even if only for that moment. I am not talking about all aspects of your life and works, but you need to be able to let go of all that holds you back and just go with the feelings, the sensations and the thoughts. For me, Dominance and submission is a core part of that. In fact I would find it hard, if not impossible, to climax without it. But there are more ways than one to incorporate it into experiencing sexual pleasure.
So we stopped the rule about needing permission to masturbate and slowly things began to change. I wrote about part of this in Mindful Masturbation as it became a conscious focus for me in terms of trying to connect with my body. I was actually quite horrified how limited I was in many ways and that was really where the clash came in terms of what I thought and what I actually did. I wanted to feel more liberated, more free, less about what was in my head and more about what my body felt.
I haven’t actually done it as much as I had planned. Not the mindful part at least. I have found it hard and so have not spent the time on it that I should have. I have shifted my mind with regard to being able to do it, or more importantly wanting to do it though. I find that there are times when I do have that thought and it feels nice to be able to act on it. I don’t worry about the D/s aspect of it because I feel that masturbating aids and supports my sexuality and feeling sexual,rather than pulling away from it.
HL will become part of it in other ways: Asking that I tell him when I have done it to add a sense of control over it; making me tell him what I thought about while I was doing it so that he learns more about my fantasies; sharing details with others (consensually, of course) to add an aspect of erotic humiliation for me. So really, for us, it has only added and helped things rather than hindering. I realise that for others this would not work and would detract from their dynamic but that hasn’t happened for us.
So the cleaning orgasm was something that I felt like doing one day and so I did it. It wasn’t a cleaning orgasm then, of course. It was just an orgasm. But when I found myself doing it the following week, and again the week after, it sort of became a thing. I don’t know why I feel the urge after cleaning. While service is part of our dynamic, I am only a service sub in the loosest of term so it isn’t that cleaning the home for HL turns me on. In fact he helps me with it so it is more of a joint thing.
I do like having things in order so although cleaning doesn’t turn me on, I feel much more relaxed when everything is tidy and in the right place, so that could be part of it. There is also a sense of it being the weekend and of having some time. Although in reality my weekend disappears fast, on a Saturday morning it seems to stretch lazily before me like a cat relaxing in the sun and I think that is a feeling I respond well to. Essentially the elements are right and the reasons just to do it vastly outweigh the thoughts that perhaps I should be doing something else.
Because I am in the right headspace, it is usually quite fast. It isn’t a time when I report back to HL. He knows that I do it and that is that. He has given me this as my time I suppose and whether it was consciously done or not, he has no part in the cleaning orgasm other than seeming to enjoy the fact that I do it if he happens to come into the bedroom at the time. It is permissible and unconditional, although really, a sort of blanket permission has been negotiated and granted some time back.
So there it is. My cleaning orgasm has been written up. But what do I think about while doing it? Why usually some very unclean thoughts. The sort that I still won’t write about or articulate. The sort that I hide and keep tucked away in the dark of my mind. I suppose that is part of the thing with humiliation that what turns you on isn’t something you can really ask for or even express. It is about those things that you don’t want to do, or have done, which are too much to admit to but which turn you on all the same.