My journey really began when I met HL. He wasn’t HL back then of course, but without knowing it, I saw the part of him that HL would become. There was something about him and the way we interacted. It was exciting, it was full of promise and it felt like something chemical I suppose. We sparked off each other, emotionally and sexually. Of course the D/s was not a part of things back then, although there was something that I couldn’t put my finger on but which compelled me to keep going all the same.
I knew that if I didn’t pursue this relationship, I would regret it. It is hard to explain but the way we were felt a bit like electricity and I was old enough to know that if I walked away from it, that I would likely never find the feeling again. I didn’t walk away. I stayed with it, despite the hurdles we faced, and we began our journey together. And I suppose that is the thing: our journey doesn’t really start with D/s. It starts with us. We found D/s later and it has become a big part of what we are. but it is not what or who we are.
We exist outside of it and have simply allowed it to help us to shape and structure and enjoy what we already had. It has allowed us to take everything that we felt at the beginning and keep the excitement and the compelling nature of that, while at the same time having the deep and connected bond that comes from knowing one another better than you know any other person. It has allowed us to combine the familiarity and comfortable nature of a long term relationship with the thrill and mystery of something not fully discovered.
So for us, discovery is our journey. We discover ourselves as individuals and we are discovering where we can go together as a couple. We are so much more together than we are as individuals but in the same way, what we are individually is what allows us to be something beyond our expectations together. It is impossible to explain and unless you have felt it, I wonder if what I am saying really makes any sense. The point is, that the first part of the jounrey was discovering us and what we could be together.
Some years in, having explored some of the shared kinks we had discovered, we found Dominance and submission. I knew as soon as I learnt what it was that it was part of who and what we were. There were lots of things which fell into place with that discovery and, like a jigsaw, D/s sort of was the missing part. I had not even known that a piece was missing until then, but when I stumbled upon it, the reality was unmistakable. I knew I was submissive and so much else came from that.
So nearly 9 years ago now, that part of our journey began. Reading, learning, experimenting. We found things that seemed to fit and worked really well, but in other ways, other parts were more tricky. We stumbled along really and didn’t feel that we were getting it quite right. After a couple of years we realised that we needed to commit to a more full time dynamic as we had started in the bedroom only and, despite wanting to submit, I found giving up control in just that one area difficult.
A huge part of my own journey has been discovering about my headspace, how that works and how to achieve one which is conducive to submission. Learning what the positive triggers are has been a huge part and it was a bit of a surprise to us both that just knowing that we wanted something wasn’t enough to sustain it. It has taken thought, and work and effort and brought me here, where I write about that journey. I think I felt naively that once I had it worked out I would arrive at my destination, but I have learnt better about that.
This is not a journey that will ever end. It is not a journey where I will arrive and step out and shout here I am. It is about growth and learning and discovery. It is about hard work and playing even harder. It is about pushing boundaries which are ever changing and ever moving. It is about squeezing the most out of every experience and enjoying the best that each of you has to offer. It is about the replacement of power struggles with a power exchange. It is my journey as a married submissive: The love, the kink and the connection.
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