Foreplay - is it a thing?

Foreplay: Is it a thing?

I used to really enjoy foreplay. And other times I used to find it a chore. Now I don’t think we do it which sounds weird, but bare with me. Foreplay is what you do before sex, right? But what we do is play. Yes, often there is penetration but not always. Often, if there is penetration, then it comes after the climax of play has already been reached for me. It is still an important part, almost like having a sweet after your dinner, but for HL that will be his climax.

Except, now I come to think, even for HL it it is not necessarily the climax on an emotional level. That will come, not when he does, but when he sees me slowly losing control and becoming putty in his hands. In fact, there are so many parts to our play that no one thing is the thing, if that makes sense. It can be a different highlight each time, and each time is different to the time before and the time that will come next.

We have sometimes tried to repeat things – “Ooooo it was SO hot when you did that!” but we find that the effect will differ depending on the occasion. It isn’t that it won’t be good but it will often be an individual experience. We spark off each other so repeats tend not to happen really. Our play is fluid. I suppose there must be a beginning and an end but it is really hard to tell with our D/s. It is part of the power exchange. Sex doesn’t stop with sex. It isn’t even about the sex, it is about the Dominance and submission and the play is simply a part of that.

So basically I am not sure you can have foreplay when it is all play. I am not sure you can have afterplay when your play runs from one occasion to the next, fed by the comments and the touches and the references. I suppose what you could say, is that everything we are doing is foreplay. So then what does it come before? If it is just part of what you do, then it is not the preamble to anything. If it is the preamble to …… more play, then surely it would seem better just to refer to it all as play.

And that is what we do. We call the sexual interaction between us play. We are playing with each other in a very sexual way. Sometimes that might result in orgasms and sometimes that won’t be the goal. Sometimes it will result in sexual intercourse (such an inappropriate term to describe what we do) and sometimes it won’t. The definition of foreplay is erotic stimulation preceding sexual intercourse. We just do erotic stimulation – with or without the sexual intercourse.

When I look at the definition for sexual intercourse things become even more grey. It talks about procreation and seems to be mostly focussed on heterosexual couples and PIV sex. Does that mean that if there isn’t PIV (penis in vagina) that it isn’t sex? What about PIM (penis in mouth)? Or PIH (penis in hand)? What about CS (clit stimulation)? Or PM (prostate massage)? I don’t know. It gets so confusing. That is why we stick to play. “I want to play with you tonight, missy.” “Yes, Sir.”

And then what will happen will happen. It may include some of the acts above. It may include kink and/or BDSM. It may include a myriad of things from smorgasbord of activities that will be planned and executed by HL, but will take into account my changing responses, both physically and emotionally. It can last from 10 minutes to 3 hours. It can stop and restart allowing time for care and emotional connection at any point, not necessarily just ‘after’. Because in many ways, there is no after. It is a continuous loop, not of ‘sex’ but of play.

I suppose what I really feel is that the beginning was some time ago, the end is hopefully many years into the future, and we are in the middle. The middle of sex, of play, of love, of Dominance and submission. We are in the middle of a power exchange which means that the thrill and excitement we feel is generated far more by playing with the mind than it ever is about playing with the body. Both happen, but the stimulation of the mind is where it all starts and ends.

So where does that leaves foreplay? I don’t think that for us, it is really a thing. We are the thing, what we do is the thing. Sex is part, sexual stimulation is part, arousal is definitely part but so are lots of other things. And as long as it feels good, as long as you enjoy it, as long as you want to do it, I don’t think it much matters what you do or what others call it. Then I looked for a picture and found this. Maybe a bath with a nice glass of something is foreplay? I think from memory we went on to have intercourse!

If you want to read a serious post about aftercare then the post, Happily Ever Aftercare does talk about what we do after the thing that we do and how that works for us. And if you want to read more posts about foreplay and afterplay then head to Wicked Wednesday by clicking on the badge below and see who else is writing for this prompt.

Wicked Wednesday

Posted in Submissive Musings and tagged , , , , .


  1. I guess sometimes definitions and categories becoming laborious – there is a hell of a lot to be said for spontaneity and reading each other’s reactions to know how play is going to play out.

    I think for Ben and I because we end up having to discuss so much mundane and a lot of it very stressful, we do devote some time to switch off completely to work and stress and to give our attention to our playtime and sex life together. So foreplay (and afterplay) is definitely relative in allowing us to block out the world of work from our minds and get into the right mood for us.

  2. Wow, Missy, you have given me a lot to think about now. You have mentioned an angle I have never thought of. I tend to break things up in smaller pieces, which is why I can ‘see’ our fore- and afterplay, but so many things indeed are continuous. Plus, this had me nodding fiercely: “Sex doesn’t stop with sex. It isn’t even about the sex, it is about the Dominance and submission and the play is simply a part of that.”

    Thank you for yet another thought-provoking post.

    ~ Marie

  3. In many ways, Samantha is like a man. One of those is foreplay. A little warm up good, very little, but she’s usually ready to get to it. We work well together. Foreplay is there, but minimal for us.

    • That sounds pretty ideal. I think I take too long to warm up. And it has to start in a pretty cerebral way. Missy x

      • No, you’re normal wherever you are! We are all different. Heck, as I’ve gotten older it seems at times it takes a bit to get me going. Always happens, but different than when we were 25. Arousal is a complicated animal. The first one to figure it out completely will have a goldmine on their hands…

        • Yes very true. And we all practice SO much it only seems fair it should be one of us who discovers the secret. Missy x

  4. In regards to play in general, penetration or not, that moment of puttiness, when she let’s go and gives over is such an enjoyment part for me. That what makes a good scene for me.

  5. I think the lines between foreplay and sex can get very blurred. I don’t think exact definitions are helpful, especially in the arena of kink. I like how you handled this topic missy – you are always so generous with what you share.

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