I have been meaning to do the D/s Diary Project for a while but one thing has led to another and it has never quite happened. The purpose is to provide a snapshot into my life as a submissive wife. I am married to my Dominant, HisLordship and we have lived a lifestyle dynamic for the past 8 years. But what does that mean? What does being a full time submissive entail? I thought that perhaps a week in my life would provide an insight as to how we have woven aspects of Dominance and submission throughout our marriage. So here it is: the diary of a submissive wife.
Diary of a Submissive Wife: Day 1 – Saturday
We usually have a slightly different routine at the weekends. Saturday is one of the two structured talk times that we have weekly. We eat breakfast, grab a coffee and head into the other room to talk about us. I find these times really useful. Although we talk all of the time, this is focussed, structured, undivided attention. We have tried various times and places for this but ultimately this is what works. On the agenda will be a review of the week, things to focus on, and plans for things we want to do. It will take an hour or so really but it is worth it as it really helps me with the emotional connection. I think that for HL it also helps with his planning.
This time is important as I can raise things which are bothering me and so can HL. We will talk about them and find a way forward and I see it as part of the honesty thing. There have been a couple of issues this past week which have taken my attention: one is some issues I have had with this site (hopefully resolved by the time you read this) and the other is an online friendship which suddenly disappeared. While these things should not be insurmountable, and they aren’t, they have taken some emotional energy which has likely affected things, so they felt worth discussing.
After that I messed around editing an image we took last night and then I wrote a post to go with it. The D/s kind of rumbles on with us. There are things I do which show respect – at lunchtime, as with every meal, I serve HL first, always waiting until he has begun eating before I start. And things that he does too – when we take the dog for a walk in the afternoon I wait as he opens the car door for me. These are things that we don’t really notice anymore but they are there, as is the day collar that I wear around my neck. They are part of the ritual and symbolism and they mean something to us although they would barely be discernible to others.
The day continues in much the same way as out typical Saturdays go. But in the evening, as I am on the sofa next to him, I hear him telling the dog that he is going to fuck me hard later. Poor dog but lucky me I think and I smile to myself about the strange sort of way that we have. It builds the tension I suppose, and the statement of intent is sexy for me. I have a bath and get myself ready for him and it is well worth it. The play is hot. It feels like we both really need it. He uses some erotic humiliation, filling me with a butt plug and then using a narrative to build on the feeling of being exposed. I let go of everything that has bothered me in the past while: family, work, sites and unresolved relationships and I allow myself to exist only for him and for us and for this moment.
Diary of a Submissive Wife: Day 2 – Sunday
When HL woke he was horny. “Reach your hand across and touch my cock while I am still dozy.” he said. This would be fairly typical – not of waking up each morning but of the type of relationship we have. If he wants something then he asks. To the best of my ability I will put my own thoughts aside and meet that need. If there were a reason not to then I would let him know but for the most part there is no good reason other than selfishness. Selfishness does not really play a part for us. We both look out for each other’s needs and try to put them first.
Well, one thing led to another, as it does, and what turned out to be a request for a cock stroke soon found me on my hands and knees being fucked hard from behind. So, after being well used all over again, we got up. Good Morning! We tend to have a chat on a Sunday about our shared site and our plans for that. During that discussion HL will find out what my thoughts are and will always take them into account. This is the way things go with us. I voice my opinion, he listens and asks question and then, if there is a decision to be made, he makes it. His decision is final.
On a Sunday we hold an online munch style chat at the club that we run together. We talked today about how our online presence meant that we weren’t lonely or bored with lockdown restrictions in the same way as some of our work colleagues seem to be. This is not just because we spend so much time online, but because we have an entire network of friends on here. Our chats at the club are social time for us. We talk about topics we are interested in with people we have things in common with and in that way, our life has not really changed. We feel lucky.
Sunday we usually have a maintenance type activity when we go to bed. My bedtime is 10.30 at which time I have to go and run a bath for us. At the weekend I might get to stay up later but this will be up to HL. He has said that we will do some electric tonight. I am looking forward to is because it has been a while. We used to use the cane as our regular thing but the electrastim is quieter and recently it has been more the method of choice. The purpose behind this is the maintenance of our dynamic – namely to keep us in the sub and Dom mindset. While it will often lead to play, this will not always be the case.
Sometimes it will just be like a recounting of the week, a sort of reinforcing of our respective roles. It will often begin with an inspection and I will be in a position where I am vulnerable. HL will be firmly in control and in that way it helps to connect us and keep us on track for the week ahead. As it happens, this time is does lead to play. He has obviously enjoyed using the plug last night and adds to anal probe to the pads which are placed one on each bum cheek. He builds me slowly to orgasm and then allows me to suck him. I am very turned on and afterwards, although it ends up being a late night, I sleep well and wake happy.
Diary of a Submissive Wife: Day 3 – Monday
Back to work after the weekend so Mondays are always a different routine. We sleep in a little, probably for obvious reasons, but get up to exercise. We usually walk the dog together but I have been feeling fed up with my body and so HL has said that I can do some other exercise Monday, Wednesday and Friday. He knows that I find it hard with my body image issues and although I am not allowed to be negative about myself (one of my rules) he knows that I do not see myself as he does. I want to, and at times when I am deep into my submissive space it will happen but at other points, I can be quite negative.
Part of his nurturing role is to look after me in this way – emotionally, mentally and physically and my rules reflect that. It helps me really. I am not stupid but I do put myself second a lot of the time, taking on too much, trying to meet ridiculously high standards, and, when things are hard, micromanaging and getting stressed. HL sorts me out. He keeps me grounded and focussed and he tries to do things which will make me feel happier and better about myself. I know that he finds me attractive and, as well as him telling me this, I see him watching me as I walk across the room each morning to the shower, but I don’t always feel it despite his attempts which is a shame.
At work the day is really my own and, although submission to HL is always part of who I am, I am not really required to do much about it. I follow my rules about working hours, and self-care, but I am not actively required to submit to him. We have tried various things but in the end, work is one thing which remains pretty much my own domain. If it comes into our shared life then I ask permission for that but otherwise, it passes and he sees his role much more as supporting me to do a job which I find emotionally consuming and challenging at times.
Back home, we have a ritual where I kiss him upon entering the house and then I make us both coffee and we sit down to talk about the day. After this I will go and get changed out of my work things and he will direct me as to what he wants me to do. He has the dinner under control so tells me to go and sit in the other room and do some online stuff. Dinner is great and afterwards we spend a quiet evening together, each doing our own thing although we are right next to each other. I am comfortable with this and I think that is important. We have sort of slipped into a routine really and it works for us.
When we go up to bed HL gets me to try on some clothes for him. He has bought a steampunk skirt for some pictures and also a cat mask with ears. Recently we have bought a few things from Wish and Geek. The quality is not the best but for what we want, roleplay or photography, the items are inexpensive and do the job. I love dressing up for him and am seeing some opportunities for both of these items. We don’t leap into play because it is late but the thought is there for another occasion as we spoon to sleep in the usual way, and that is nice.
Diary of a Submissive Wife: Day 4 – Tuesday
We began the day with a walk together where we always have a bit of a catch up. Work was busy and I came home a bit early for a change. I have set working hours, not imposed by work but by HL and so I can work from 8am until 6pm as required. This helps me to compartmentalise things and stop work coming home. Occasionally I will need to work later but I will try to speak with HL about this, asking his permission most of the time. Home time is his time and so the same will apply if I want to bring work home. This is part of the ways that I show respect for him and for the agreement that we have entered into. Asking permission would also extent to making arrangements with friends and family etc.
Tuesday evening is the second chat of the week for us and so once I am home I check out the topic, active submission, and get some thoughts together. I find that it helps me to talk to others about these sorts of topics. Not only does it give me ideas for things we can try, but it helps to maintain my submissive mindset. Online I am a sub, and there is no other role. I don’t have to be anything apart from that for anyone. I can be honest and open when discussing my life and the way it is and, although I keep some details offline to protect my anonymity, I feel that I am able to be more authentically me than when I am only able to reveal part of the truth of my life.
The topic chat also gets me thinking about my own behaviour. I can hardly talk to others about active submission if I am not doing it myself and so it is an opportunity to reflect on behaviours and amend anything that needs changing. I find it motivating talking to others who share the same interests and finding out how things work in different relationships. It is great to have such a diverse and open group to compare notes with and the chats always manage to get me thinking. We have a really good conversation and I come away with lots to think about so all in all, things have worked well.
Diary of a Submissive Wife: Day 5 – Wednesday
Today was really busy and we were both tired. We did the usual in the way of rules and rituals to keep in the right frame of mind but after dinner just sort of flopped down on the sofa. Sometimes it is like that. We have a catch up half way through the week and so we talked and made plans for the weekend. We also talked about some play ideas and some more pictures that we would like to take. I spoke to my daughter and worked a bit more on my site redesign. I realise now that this likely won’t be ready by the time you are reading this! Well not unless you stumble across my diary much after the event.
One of the things I do each week is to plan and do the online grocery shop. This is something that I used to dislike but since seeing it as a service to HL, it has become much less of a chore. I think prior to this I felt a bit of resentment that it was always me coming up with the ideas, but seeing it as something I can do for him to make his life easier, means that I accept it and also take pride in doing a good job. This is an important part of the power exchange and is where it can replace the power struggles that we might have had before. We have clearly defined roles and so there is no grey area which might have found me dropping hints or engaging in tit-for-tat type behaviour as before.
I run a bath for us as I do each night, and tonight I have a longer soak. Sometimes I feel less resilient than others and for some reason today I felt like this. HL is pretty in tune with me and so he picks up on it. I guess there have just been a lot of things going on recently and I do really well managing for a while and then sort of drop a bit. Typical it would be when I am writing my diary of a submissive wife but I suppose that is how things go in real life! When I get like that my tendency is to retreat into myself. I don’t want to rely on anyone and can feel irritated by the world. I like a lot of control in my life so if there is a gap then I tend to fill it. Instead of this going well, I micro-manage, focussing on the smaller things.
We took a while to work out that what I really need at these times is not the space that I try to take for myself, but for HL to ask more of me and keep me in line. He used to let me drift away and try to look after me by giving me the space but it ended up leaving more of a gap between us. If he asks more of me then that is better. It keeps me connected to him and keeps us working together, so although sometimes it can feel counter-intuitive, it is actually a good thing. It doesn’t quite work out this time. I need something to ground me but instead he cancels the play that usually happens on a Wednesday so I am left drifting a little.
Diary of a Submissive Wife: Day 6 – Thursday
While we are out walking first thing, I take the opportunity to bring up how I am feeling. This is good because it allowed us to address what is going on and talk about what we need to do to fix it. I think it probably gives HL time to think about it during the day too. I feel better by the time I head off to work and am more positive generally. I find that when our dynamic is working well it really supports what I do day to day. I have always felt that it made me stronger knowing that whatever happens, at the end of the day we close the door and it is just us.
Being able to let go of everything else is a real escape for me and when I get home he tells me that tonight we will make up for not playing last night and will have a bit of a reset. He says that he will use the cane which I feel nervous about. I usually like the cane when we do it but it always worries me a bit that I won’t be able to take enough. I used to think I was a masochist before starting D/s as I have never worried about pain, but when I compared myself to those who are able to get off on pain alone, I could see that I was not like that.
For me it tends to work better when pleasure is combined with pain and I am sort of built up with both as they are layered and stacked with increasing intensity on top of one another. For me, emotional masochism is something that can really push me deep into my submissive space, but physically we have learnt the where the limits lie. Despite knowing this, the cane is one of those implements that will always put me a little on edge. It works well as a reset for that reason as I come to it with my head in a pretty submissive space.
As it is, I love it. I always wonder after why I worried because the way that HL uses it with a rhythmic tapping motion allows me to relax and melt onto the feeling of what he is doing. The harsher hits he then adds catch me off guard but they don’t last and are replaced again with the gentler pattern. He talks to me as he does it asking me to take more for him. I feel like it brings us much closer to each other, the exchange and the give and take, and by the time he stops I am greedy for his cock and glad to have him in my mouth.
Diary of a Submissive Wife: Day 7 – Friday
Today something happened on social media which really threw me. I won’t bore you with the details here but suffice to say it was pretty horrible. It shocks me a bit how people behave sometimes. I think that anonymity allows people to change in ways which are not always positive. While the emotional part of me wants to say and do what feels natural to me, the rational part has learnt lessons this past year which tell me that it will be futile, so I keep quite and keep my head down once again. I am not a confrontational person and while my natural instinct is to try to repair and restore, sometimes I see that this is just not going to happen.
I am glad that HL and I are connected because although this concerns me, he is right there with me. I am also glad for the support of friends and these are the things that help to counter-balance when things go wrong. At the end of the the day I am fortunate. I am lucky to have people who I care about and who care about me back. These are genuine relationships and they mean that I don’t need to shout into the void, even if it might be what I feel like doing. Instead I do some baking and then snuggle up with HL and we watch a film.
I think that social media can be so reactive and once something is said it is out there so it is good to be with people who will encourage the application of the brakes when they are needed. We talk about what is happening and he helps me to work through it. It is good to be able to feel grounded and to keep things in perspective. I guess this is a big part of the D/s working. I know that people think of the BDSM and the kinky play but really it is far more about the relationship for me. Having a close emotional connection means that the kink can be more easily incorporated into what we do. If all things were equal and we didn’t have the stresses and strains of life then it would happen anyway, but these are the things that can throw us off.
It was during our honeymoon when we had time to ourselves and were so much more in tune that we decided we needed to commit to a D/s lifestyle. This was because without the structure and routine of it, things would come along to push us away from each other a little. It wasn’t intentional and it was subtle but it would happen all the same and we would find ourselves dealing with things alone more from practicality than choice, rather than dealing with things together. This is where the D/s helps as we can keep each other at the centre.
The way that we managed the things that came along this week remind me of this. In hindsight it was probably not the best week to choose for my diary of a submissive wife because of the events that took our attention, but in other ways the purpose was to provide a snapshot, so perhaps there is some value. We have a real relationship and as such, while much of what we do follows the weekly pattern that many couples have, the weeks vary in terms of the levels of D/s that are present. Sometimes things are more active, and others they just bubble along, but I think that these ebbs and flows are pretty typical of lifestyle dynamics.
If you would like to find out more about the rules, rituals and structure of our agreement then you might want to have a look at Our Current D/s Contract.
To see who else has joined in with the Diary Project, please click on the button and follow the link.