The Difficulty with our Desires
Many of us are never able to have our desires met for one reason or another. This might be to do with the fact that we keep them to ourselves and feel unable to share them, or it might be that we have not found someone who wants to explore those things with us. Often, the things that we desire are buried deep within us and sometimes it is hard even to access them ourselves. Unless life is such that you are in a place where you can embrace the things which might scare you, embarrass you or shame you it is often easier just to ignore those feelings.
I can recognise this. I hid many of my desires and feelings for a lot of years. I wasn’t really aware of them myself as more than a faint notion of something that felt it would excite me. I didn’t understand what I felt and wasn’t able to piece those little clues together to create a picture that made much sense. It felt like ignoring those thoughts for ones which could be more easily realised made sense and so, that was what I did. It didn’t bother me and I accepted it for what it was. I didn’t nurture my own desires and so they didn’t grow.
Embracing my Desires
Meeting HL changed all of this of course. We talked about things that I hadn’t previously. It wasn’t that I hadn’t tried to with other people but more that it had never been taken up. We are careful of our innermost thoughts. If we make ourselves vulnerable enough to share some of them, we are sensitive to the clues and indicators about how they are being received. I knew when was enough and when to pull back. The conversations ended and so did any thought of experimenting with some of the unmet desires I harboured.
With HL the warning signs weren’t there. In fact the opposite was true. Rather than the clues and indicators being ones which pulled me back, suddenly they were spurring me on. Our conversations spiralled from one thing to another, as they can, exploring over a long period of time the sorts of things that excited us. It wasn’t about plans to do them at this point. It was much more hypothetical than an actual plan but in the end of course it moved from, “What do you think about X?” to “I am going to do X to you.”
Dominance, submission and Desire
Being in a Dominant submissive relationship means that sharing your desires is a natural part of what you do. It is not linear in that more often than not, discussion will look at not just exploring the desire itself but pushing at its edges. It is about looking for relationships and combinations which allow you to experiment with what it there. It is about discovering , uncovering and exposing what lies under the surface. It is about finding similarities and contrasts and blending those elements together in new ways. It scrutinises the essence of what turns you on and creates that into something tangible.
Most D/s relationships will have robust communication which underpins this exploration. This is what allows it to take place, but also what allows it to grow, blossom and develop. This will keep you safe from the rejection and the shame that may have been a reality in other relationships. This discussion will lead to discovery at each point so that you are able to experiment freely in a way which might not be possible otherwise. Essentially, it provides a check and balance which allows you to stop when required and pushes you forward when possible.
What this does over time is to create a depth of emotional connection which means that exploring your desires together spills over into other areas of your relationship. The desires are no longer just part of you as an individual but part of you as a couple, and this increases the level of desire for the other person. They become both the giver and the receiver of your own desire and are so inextricably linked to the relationship between desire of the body and the mind, that it manifests on a deeper level that it might have otherwise. Essentially, you can’t get enough of them and of the way that they make you feel.
Click on the badge to see who else is writing about Desire or have a look at some of my other Tell Me About … posts.