I have thought a lot about what it is to be a submissive wife and I suppose it starts with what submission is or, at least what it means.
The meaning of submissive is:
Ready to conform to the authority or will of others; meekly obedient or passive,
Assuming this definition, being a submissive wife must surely mean that you are ready to conform to the will of your husband within that marriage? Often people can see submission as a weak and negative thing. They imagine it to be all encompassing but really things rarely work like that. Clearly I cannot speak for all others, but for us, that certainly isn’t the case. There are large areas of my life where I am not submissive.
I am not a submissive per se, I am simply a submissive wife.
I can see why people shy away from the idea. To think that I would have to shift all of my thoughts, actions and behaviour so that they conformed with the will of my husband would be not just limiting, but extremely tiring for us both. It would, as they say, give me the fear. When I did some research before starting out on our own brand of D/s, much of what I read was geared mainly at a christian brand of submissive wife.
Submission to God seemed to play a large role in submitting to a husband who was head of house, and that was really not in any way fitting for us. While we both have our own thoughts on the subjects of religion and faith, neither of us feels that they have a place within our relationship with each other. My submission to my husband is not because he is my husband but because of who he is as a person.
It is not based on a hierarchical role which is connected to gender, but is a way to play to each of our strengths.
Sometimes it is easier when trying to explain what something is, to start by explaining what it is not. Being a submissive wife is not about making myself passive in all things. It is not about being slavish and spiritless. It is not about being unassertive and acquiescing to all requests without thought. I am considered and opinionated. I am thoughtful and versatile. I have excellent organisations skills and the ability to plan for the future and anticipate change.
More than anything, I have a personality that my husband was attracted to and fell in love with, and he would have no desire to really change the person I am on that level. So being a submissive wife for me, doesn’t mean fitting in with any stereotype or with some of the usual definitions of submission that lead towards forming the usual stereotype. It is about finding out what works for us and formalising that in a structure which will support the way that we communicate and the way we behave.
Being a submissive wife is not about about forcing myself to change but about the freedom to be allowed to be who I really am.
I think the first separation I need to make is my role as a wife from the other roles that I play. In being a submissive wife, I am only agreeing to submit in the areas which relate to my role as a wife. Although some of the other roles I have may be closely related, my role as a mother, for example, they are actually separate for the purposes of our arrangement. I am not a submissive mother. I parent as I see fit and we parent together as a team.
I will seek advice and listen to the opinion of my husband, but I will be actively involved in parenting my children in the way that I believe to be best. I know that some would see themselves as housewives and that then becomes an extension of their other wifely duties but, again, this is not the way it is for us. We tend to share the work at home equally, and while there is some divide of the types of tasks we do, this is to do with where each of our strengths lie rather than a stereotypical view of what each of us should do.
What falls within your role as a submissive wife and what doesn’t will be agreed by the two of you.
I think it is important if you are entering this sort of relationship dynamic to think about the types of things which would come outside any agreement in this sort of way. You need to define the areas that pertain to your marriage and think about why and how you want to submit with regard to those. If there isn’t a reason for doing something then it often feels hard to be committed to it. We found that some of the things we had in place initially were built around what others felt what was important and they just didn’t work for us.
Although when I tried to research, much of what I found was based around a sort of Christian Domestic Discipline type of dynamic, many couples who introduce D/s into a marriage do it as a way of improving intimacy and the intensity of their sexual exchanges, so many will start with Dominance and submission in the bedroom. Often submitting your body on a sexual level feels like that easiest and most exciting place to start. This worked really well for us on a sexual level, but didn’t have the impact on our relationship that we wanted it to in other ways.
Weaving the thread of Dominance and submission through other areas of our marriage is what allowed me to become a submissive wife.
Prior to that I was submitting when I was in the right frame of mind; it sort of came and went with the challenges of the day, but identifying what things to do outside of the bedroom allowed our power exchange to really progress. Of course, whatever you choose, or don’t choose, it should always come back to why. Why do it? What will it add? How will it support your mindset and encourage submissive behaviours?
Talking these things through allowed us to arrive at some ideas of what would work, rather than trying to adopt things which worked for others and forcing them into our relationship. Being a submissive wife is about submitting to my husband, but I do this as part of an agreed power exchange. It is not that one party is seen as superior or more important than the other, more that both valued highly for what they bring to the relationship and on their focus in meeting the needs of the other.
You might also enjoy the following posts:
Being a submissive wife and why it takes perseverance
Being the submissive in our Relationship
And yet, one part of a relationship affects another, whether you like it or not.
Yes true. Ying and yang 😊
Interesting post. In your contract you wrote, “She will defer to him on important matters and accept that his decision is final” and you seem to like that, but where (what kinds of things other than “bedroom” things) do you actually defer to HL (other than the specific rules like drinking water that you indicated)? From this post, it sounds like some areas are out of bounds… kids, job I am guessing (except your hours apparently). So what areas fall under “wifely” (and therefore subject to deference to HL) vs not? Car to buy, where to live, where to go on vacation, whether or not to visit friends/schedule your time. (all just as examples). Maybe it not need be so formalized but the contract indicates broad deference without mentioning the kind of exclusions here, so I am curious about where deferring to HL’s will has has a practical effect on you on a daily basis vs out of scope so it does not. Maybe I am overthinking and there is just a natural flow to what is in and out of scope. Thanks!
Hi John. Thank you for such a detailed comment and for asking for more explanation as I see I do appear vague. I suppose it is in a sense because we have found out as we went along what might or might not work as part of it. Basically I think everything apart from final decisions about my children (we are a blended family) and also my own finances would be separate. All of the things you mention – Car to buy, where to live, where to go on vacation, whether or not to visit friends/schedule your time – I would defer to him.
Essentially if something affects him then it will be his decision and all of these things would. If my daughter wants to start music lessons then it wouldn’t. In reality, I tend to turn towards him with everything so that he knows what I am thinking and so keep the communication open. So if someone wants to go on a school trip I will say that they have asked and I think I would like to do that. He will usually say something supportive in agreement but would also point out any issues so have you thought about …..
In the areas where I do more formally defer such as a weekend away,I can suggest it and we will discuss it. If he has concerns they will come out and then he may say to go and do some research eg into costs and come back. We would then both give our opinion. We are well connected so usually we both want the same things anyway but if means that we are both invested in the decision which works better for us than before. He finds making decisions much easier than me, especially when I have done lots of research.
I hope that helps. I will try to either add to this post or create another which explains as I think I probably need more detail. I do think that it needs to be flexible though and any other couple will find their own balance. Oh and work. Work is out of the agreement. I will often discuss it with HL and seek his support but I will make my own decisions about that area. Because he listens to me he knows what I need so usually it works very well. Missy x
My submission, and our D/s, look much the same as that of you and HL. I am not submissive in all areas of my life, but I am submissive to Master T. We too have our own brand of D/s which will again look different from yours, but it is what we have agreed on, and that is how it should be, as we are the two people in this relationship. I love reading about how you and HL do it, as it always teaches me something, or points out something in my own relationship which has become so part of every day life, that I have almost ‘forgotten’ about it. Thank you for sharing, Missy, and I *love* that image!
~ Marie xox
Thank you Marie. I love reading about how things work for others too and also talking to them. I have found the reading and writing is what has helped me to learn and grow. I know that my mind has been opened to different things by being able to find out about them in a way which is not intimidating. Missy x