Do you need a D/s Contract?
In short the answer is no: You don’t need anything to have a successful D/s relationship other than effective communication, trust, respect and honesty. Probably there will be love too, at the very least a strong emotional connection, but really whether or not you choose to have a contract or not, is down to you. That said, we do have one and I am often asked about contracts so I am going to outline what we have included, and also how it came about. Currently it is a helpful working document, previously it was more ineffective because it was something we thought we should have, rather than something which had a purpose.
If your only purpose in creating a contract is because someone has made you think that you need one to ‘be D/s’ then you can stop reading now.
We made that mistake, and while it didn’t really matter, it was a bit of a waste of time. So much so that it was pretty much forgotten, resting on its laurels on a private blog that we had created to share things with each other when we first committed to a full time D/s lifestyle. And it isn’t that what we had was bad, it just wasn’t really us. When we looked back it seemed overly formal and smacked more of trying to tick boxes than of trying to support us in keeping on track, which is what the current version does.
Once we drifted away from the earlier document I was very much of the mind that with a wedding band, a mortgage and lots of kids, we didn’t need much more of a contract than that. I think now that was naive. When we did revisit, we realised that a lot of the frustrations we have in our day to day dynamic are to do with consistency, or rather lack of it. When we looked back over what we had we could see that not checking back had meant that some of the things we had originally agreed to had not been upheld.
Identifying your purpose
For us this was clear. We wanted a working document which would help us stick to the commitment we have made in terms of meeting each other’s needs. While this sounds straightforward enough and, generally this is what we do, life can get in the way and sort of derail us somewhat. While some couples like the fluidity and flexibility of not having to stick to a set structure or routine, time for ourselves can easily become last at the bottom of a queue of other things. We need the structure and routine of rules, ritual and an overall agreement so that really was the starting point.
I started to write around the detail but decided that it probably made more sense to publish what we are currently using. I don’t mean this as an example of what a contract should be, but more as an illustration of how our contract helps to support our dynamic, for us. If you would like to use it as a basis for your own then please feel free, but remember to check back and let me know how you get on with my rules lol. Probably better than me.
Your D/s relationship should grow with you over time so adding a time stamp and a date to review and amend it will make sense.
We revised our contract in Jun 2020 but we will aim to review and amend it June of next year. The previous one had been at the end of 2014 and I can happily say that 6 years without checking back made it pretty much useless in terms of supporting what we do. Currently it is in three parts as that is what works for us: D/s Agreement, Rules and Rituals and Formal Structure.
Our D/s Contract – Jun 2020
D/s Agreement – HL and missy (Jun 2020)
This agreement represents the terms of our power exchange, the foundations of which are respect, honesty, trust, open communication and love. We both agree to try to meet the needs of the other, putting them first. In doing this and by focussing on the foundations we aim to create intimacy and a connection which is emotional, physical, and spiritual. This will allow us to meet the desires of the other and create a safe environment to explore, learn and grow, both together and as individuals.
Missy will show respect to HL through observing the rules set for her. She will respect his Dominance and submit to him. She will defer to him on important matters and accept that his decision is final. She will be open with him about her thoughts, feelings, needs and desires and will communicate them in an appropriate way.
HL will support missy and create an environment where she is listened to and heard. He will protect and nurture her making sure that she is able to grow as a person. He will offer leadership through his Dominance and will communicate effectively, sharing his thoughts, feelings, needs and desires openly and through discussion.
Rules and Rituals
- Missy will drink water as directed by HL every day in order to keep hydrated.
- Missy will eat and drink in a healthy way
- Missy will exercise regularly as directed by HL
- Missy will finish work at 6pm unless agreed due to circumstances
- Missy will ask permission from HL before bringing home any work which would impact on their family time together.
- Missy will observe her bedtime as directed by HL
- Missy will seek permission from HL before making arrangements which will impact on time together.
- Missy will not talk negatively about herself and will accept compliments with the grace with which they were intended.
- Missy will observe HL’s preferences for personal grooming
- Orgasms are owned by HL and missy will not be allowed to orgasm without permission from HL unless previously agreed.
- Missy will use safe words during play
- Missy will be respectful towards HL at all times.
- Missy will accept any punishment given for infringement of the rules.
- Missy will address HL as Sir as appropriate within established protocol levels from Low (vanilla) to High.
- When out missy should walk to the left of HL, keep to his side and away from traffic
- Missy should wait for HL to open the door before walking through and wait to be seated by him when out.
- When out HL will order meals for missy once she has chosen her meal
- In any setting, missy will not eat until HL has begun his meal.
- Missy will kiss HL on entering and leaving the home.
- Missy will wear a day collar at all times to indicate HL’s ownership of her.
- HL will indicate his displeasure when in company through a look, a touch or a word.
- When alone HL will voice his displeasure with missy openly and discuss appropriate action
- Each night missy will turn down the covers and wait for HL as directed.
- HL will regularly inspect missy’s body and will use it freely and as he wishes.
Formal Structure – The Nitty Gritty
- Emotional check-in – during morning walk – plan for the day, support required etc
- Follow up of rules as required
- Emotional check-in – bedtime – daily review
- Talk twice a week – Saturday am and Wednesday pm. Discuss family and domestic issues or plans, review and progress the D/s relationship.
- Weekly maintenance – Sunday . Action with brief summary to reaffirm dynamic.
- Site discussion, planning and admin – Sunday am
- Keep a weekly note of discussions and ideas to take forward.
- Plan for activities – kink and others
- Half monthly have a look ahead meeting for the following month
- Review contract / agreement and update
- Limits list
Play & Exploration
- No topic for exploration should be off limits for discussion and encouragement should be given to avoid embarrassment or vulnerability. A discussion is not necessarily a desire to carry out the act, however, this can be used as an aid for future play ideas. Discussion of hard and soft limits will take place as appropriate.
- Bedroom play should be planned and communicated in advance by HL
- Missy should share her desires and need for any specific form of play to support HL with future planning
- Any feelings of immediate desire or ‘horniness’ be communicated immediately to share the moment or use it.
Alternatively, if you would like to know more about Creating a D/s Contract then you might want to check out this post I wrote for The SafeworD/s Club
Creating a D/s Contract