What can we do when we have gone off track? Reader question

Hi Missy, I’ve just found your blog and I’m so relieved! Thank you so much for your honesty and for sharing so much of your relationship with your Sir, it means so much to feel just a little less isolated in our D/s marriage! What I would like to ask you, is if you have any advice for couples who have gone off track due to life events (difficult twin pregnancy, birth and recovery for me) and are looking for ways to re establish the daily D/s dynamic? With two small humans running me ragged now I have so little time, but we both desperately crave this side of our relationship again, and just don’t know where to start. Have you encountered this before with couples you know? I’d love to hear your thoughts? What can we do when we have gone off track?

Mandy

Hi Mandy,

Wow you do sound busy so I am not surprised that the two of you are finding it tough. That is a lot of change, but I think it is common for life to get in the way and throw you off course. Our children are older so although we are juggling family life and work commitments, I think being a new mum brings with it a whole new set of challenges. I guess the most important thing is to find time to talk about what things you miss from your dynamic, and how you might be able to make those fit within the confines of your current circumstances.

We have found that having a set structure and routine allows us to prioritise the important things, like talking about us. Sometimes we will have to shift things around but we do try to make the time for that as we have found that so much else hinges on it. When we are emotionally connected, we seem to have more energy and need for the sexual side so that has worked for us. I imagine feeling exhausted by the end of the day is part of what is hard for you so to plan and make something part of your week might help.

We also use rules and rituals to try to keep the right headspace. I think you would need to discuss what could work in your circumstances but hopefully there will be things that you can do that remind you of your submission. I am not sure how feasible it would be for something when your husband gets home from work but perhaps some sort of transition ritual would help to mark the fact that he is home and you are his. I find that HL giving me instructions and directions, even if it is about sitting and relaxing for a while, it really helpful as it shows he has taken control.

When you are looking at rules, rituals and the structure of your D/s, I think it is always good to think about why you might do something. When we started out we did things that we thought we should do (because the seemed to be ‘D/s’ rather than things which had a purpose or meaning for us. This made them hard to keep track of and it became just another thing to check which put on pressure, rather than being supportive. We also use a weekly maintenance session where we talk over how things have gone and reaffirm the dynamic and out commitment to each other.

Once you have talked about what you want to try and why, it can feel slightly awkward to just launch in. We would usually have a reset at this point. By a reset, I mean that we choose something to do which will help us to re-establish the dynamic. Something like an over the knee spanking works well because it puts me firmly in a submissive mindset and HL in a Dominant one, but really it doesn’t matter what you choose as long as it works for you. During this HL will often reaffirm what our dynamic means to us and the commitment we are making to each other.

I am not sure if you would ever get time to come along and chat but there is a nice group of us online at The SafeworD/s Club if you fancied getting to know some other couples in similar dynamics. It can be good to ask questions and compare notes and there are always plenty of tips and suggestions going around. At the end of the day, it is about creating something which meets your needs at the time and is strong enough to shift and change with you as your family grows and your circumstances adapt. It has to be a bit fluid to do this I think, but to find you are thrown off course is something that seems to happen to all of us at times.

I have linked some relevant posts at the bottom of the page in case you would find more reading helpful, but please feel free to contact me if you want to follow up on anything I have included either in my reply or in the links. Good luck, have fun, and thank you for helping to make my world a little kinkier, one question at a time.

missy x

If you are reading this and have a question that you would like me to answer, then just head over to my Ask Me Anything page, type it in the box, and hit submit.

I am also aware of the wealth of experience and information available in the blogging world, so if you are reading this and have your own thoughts and advice, then please add them in the comments section.

The House that D/s Built
Rules and Rituals
Resets – What, How and Why (on The SafeworD/s Club)
Rituals – The why the how and the what (on The SafeworD/s Club)
Navigating Bumps – Communication and getting back on track