I have been struggling to write recently. I just can’t seem to focus my thoughts and I think that this is due to feeling exhausted. Usually the weekends afford me a break and I can catch up a bit but something happened this week up to throw me off course with that too. I guess I am used to being the rational voice where thoughts are concerned as that is pretty much what I am doing day to day at the moment. I am challenging cognition which leads people to struggle with their emotions and trying to support them through it.
I will be honest and say that some of this sticks. I find that emotionally I am pretty wiped out a lot of the time and I think this is what has affected my ability to be creative in terms of my writing, my content and the various projects I have taken on. I will also be honest in that I was caught off guard by my feelings yesterday. I fell into the trap of allowing my emotions to take over and rather than giving myself time, tried to keep the other commitments that I had made which left me in somewhat of a mess.
I think it is important to be there for others. It is certainly important to me that I can do that for people. It is rewarding and gives me a sense of purpose and of putting back I think. I am not someone who is driven by my own ambitions or motivated by money or status. I am interested in people and relationships and that is pretty much where I focus my time and my energy. I do know that this can be hard for those around about me and therefore, my people are important. Without them, I would not be able to sustain the things that I want to give time and energy to.
Although I struggled yesterday in my confusion and fear, I had people to turn to. I knew that I just had to make it through and then I would be able to let go. Letting go is important. It is vital to me to have those safe spaces where I can do that. I have always had pretty clear ideas about home in that it is not a place but people. It is about the people who you know will be there for you, who you can turn to and can rely on. Often in life, the people who care about us cannot change the circumstances we are in, but they can change the way we feel about them.
I am lucky to know the people who make up my home. I am fortunate to be able to be open with them and trust that speaking out about my fears will help. I know that not everyone feels able to do this and I think that D/s has probably taught me some of it. My relationship with HL has become such a home that I have been able to extend this beyond just him to others who I know will listen and not judge. They won’t try to force a quick fix at me but will take time with me, allowing me to heal gently and more completely.