We are out for a walk first thing and are chatting about the possibility of a Facetime meetup with a D/s friend we have. We have not had a face to face meeting yet and I say that I feel nervous about it. This is always the case with me. I have felt nervous to meet up with all my online friends and move things from chat message, whether it has been face to face or via video. HL says that perhaps he should just blindfold me and have me sitting or standing naked next to him for the duration of the call.
I laugh and tell him that this sounds easier. He is surprised but I explain that being an object will not be as difficult as I don’t have to engage or see how they react to me. I have written before about my fear of rejection and I think that this may be part of it. In reality I have nice friends and every meeting we have had has gone well. I find it easy to make friends online and although it can be nerve-wracking, meet-ups usually just allow you to build on the friendship and take things further.
Later on, at work, I think about sitting naked on a wooden chair at the back of an empty room while HL chats to our friend via skype. The thought is exciting. It makes me squirm, of course, but it also makes me horny and I turn it over in my mind, feeling that I have a little secret to brighten up my day. I have my phone on me so text him to tell him. This is one of my more recent rules. If something crosses my mind in terms of play, I have to let him know.
We found during lockdown that things felt less sexy and we often didn’t act on the ideas that we had, so we agreed that we would act when possible and let the other know what the thought was if not.
I feel quite horny about what you said about being blindfolded and naked for a chat. I don’t know why as I don’t want to do it. It’s scary but exciting somehow and I keep thinking about it. The thing with humiliation is that it feeds itself. The fact that I am turned on by being humiliated is humiliating in itself!
And there it is. It has been sent. He responds immediately and thanks me for letting him know. I carry on working but continue to play things out in my head. Then it starts. His replies are designed to make me squirm much more for him. He turns what has been a throw away comment into something that sounds much more likely. He won’t will he? I can feel myself responding and I feel immediately submissive. It is odd to feel like this at work. I dip in and out and I hang by my phone, checking constantly for further information or developments.
He tells me that he has agreed a time for a call and it may include a blindfold and he leaves it at that. OMG. Really? The afternoon passes slowly and I feel caught between my two worlds. I sort of hang there, half in and half out in a way which hasn’t happened to me during the working day for a long time. I feel the excitement walking home too, and as I make the coffee and sit down to chat and get my instructions for the rest of the day, I have to force myself to try to behave as I usually would.
I am incredibly nervous but also feel a thrill at what might happen. I am concerned about how it will work and am looking for reassurance, but I felt deeply submissive and like I am being pushed further into my submissive space all the time. I like the fact that HL wants to show me off. I enjoy the way that it makes me feel: objectified, like a prize possession, anonymous and purely sexual in many senses. When I am in this place, he creates my need, feeding it and watching it grow. He makes me want what he wants and I can feel myself transforming to become what he needs.
I am excited at the thought of being presented like this in front of our friend too. I am worried about what he will think but I hope that he will enjoy the experience. I want him to want me and that feels important to me in this moment. I want it for HL and I want it for me too, which seems odd, unfamiliar. This feeling is something I am not used to and that excites me further. I feel a bit dizzy and girly, shy and silly really, and I know that I have already given up control to HL. I haven’t just given up control to him in terms of this situation, I have already let go of myself.
I feel that I have become fluid, like an ether that will drip through their fingers, as they toss me between them while they talk. I feel that I will stick to each of them, deepening the connection between the three of us as I stand silently, without actually moving from my spot. It feels impossible really, that I have found myself here, my mind experiencing the humiliation, the release, the freedom just from imagining what is going to take place. I feel terrified but compelled and when things happen which mean it can’t take place this time, it is not relief but disappointment that I feel.