Hi, I’m new to D/s. My girlfriend has been a sub in other relationships. I am excited about trying this out, but I think asking her too many questions like “what kind of discipline do you want” will ruin the dynamic. Help me… 1) she likes spanking as a punishment. How many facets of her life should I hold her responsible for? If she gets her task accomplished, how do I reward her? 2) do we go in and out of these roles? Simple things like asking her where she’d like to eat during a road trip. Thanks. How do I take account of her needs but still remain Dominant?Joe
As a submissive, can I just say that I think we get the easy end of the deal. I don’t envy the level of planning and responsibility that goes into being a Dom and I can appreciate that it is something that takes a while to gain confidence with. I am sure that you will get there though and hopefully your girl friend has been really encouraging with you. I think it is also important to note that this is a new relationship for both of you so it will be up to the two of you to create a dynamic which works and meets your needs.
I have spoken with lots of subs and Doms and one thing that people starting out often seem to find is that the pressure of trying to get it right can really make them feel that they are playing a role, rather than letting things develop naturally. I worried myself that I was not the right kind of submissive and then finally worked out that I only had to be the right kind of submissive for HL. What that looks like has been very much determined by his Dominance and it took a while for him to find his feet in that regard.
I know at the start he compared himself to the ideals presented in fiction and film and would feel himself lacking because to behave like that just didn’t come naturally. Once he found his own way, he was much happier and became much more confident. He also found talking to others was important and so if you can join a local community or find something online then you might find it that helps. You would always be welcome at The SafeworD/s Club if you want to give that a try.
Communication is key to any good relationship and I think that if you create opportunities to speak with your girlfriend openly about the dynamic, you will likely find out a lot more about what would work. For me it would be fine for HL to discuss particular punishments or rewards with me, with regard to finding out what would and wouldn’t be effective etc. This wouldn’t be the same as your sub telling you what to do as you will listen and then issue punishment and reward as you sees fit, but it will let you know more about what she is thinking and feeling so that you can inform your planning.
I have also asked my friend Purple Sole for his thoughts as a male Dominant as I thought that his perspective might be helpful for you:
You’re absolutely right to be excited about the prospect of being a Dom to your girlfriend; no doubt you’ll have many questions about the sort of dynamic you’ll want to create. It’s important to establish an understanding regardless of experience on either side, so I don’t think that this should cause concern that it may ruin the dynamic. It can be fun to discuss the sort of kinks you may have and the limits you’ll want to push or stay away from, at least for now. You can also discuss whether you intend to have a total power exchange depending on whether you want to maintain a Dominant and submissive relationship 24/7 or not.
It’s better to discuss more and be informed to your own needs as well as hers. Your girlfriend may want to ask questions of you too and having those conversations can help strengthen your relationship by opening a dialogue that leads to openness and growth between you both.
The dynamic may take time to get to a place where you are comfortable being the sort of Dominant you are hoping to achieve. I know that in myself as I have challenged what it is we are trying to accomplish. It needs to be comfortable for you both, rather than trying to just do want you think she’ll want. More often than not you can iron out problems by discussing afterwards, even if it means more questions.
It does sound like you want to look after her needs, which is great and exactly what a Dom should be. In regards to punishment and reward you need to know what is most effective. Some subs (like my own) want to be micro managed, to be given a set of clear goals that makes life achievable in little steps. If achieved these steps can then be rewarded accordingly: this could be physical such as gifts and allowing treats; or emotional, telling her she is a good girl etc. She needs to know that her achievements are acknowledged and that she has made her Dom proud.
However, if she is in need of punishment then it is important that you take this seriously and maintain a level of consistency so that she knows what to expect if (or when) she doesn’t behave as outlined in previous discussions. You have said that she likes spanking as punishment; some would argue that punishments shouldn’t be enjoyed, but I think it can still form a fun part of your play. After all it is your own unique dynamic and it is what you want it to be.
Almost anyone in a D/s relationship will tell you that communication is fundamental throughout, like it or not, I believe questions will need to be asked. But that doesn’t mean it should take anything away from the experience. It should be a way of learning about each other deeply and growing from it. Ask the questions that consider how certain actions make her feel, such as how much control does she want removed when taking her out on a trip. Make no mistake, taking account of her needs, whatever they may be, is what being Dominant is all about.
I hope that his has given you a bit more information, but please feel free to contact me if you want to follow up on anything I have included either in my reply. PS can be reached via is own site, Purple’s Gem, and I am sure he would be happy to clarify anything further too. Good luck, have fun, and thank you for helping to make my world a little kinkier, one question at a time.
If you are reading this and have a question that you would like me to answer, then just head over to my Ask Me Anything page, type it in the box, and hit submit.
I am also aware of the wealth of experience and information available in the blogging world, so if you are reading this and have your own thoughts and advice, then please add them in the comments section.
Your advice is good, as always. But the fact that you were able to attract additional competent people speaks of your maturity.
Thank you Lisa 😊