Missy, I have spent a great deal of time admiring you and your blog, but have a long ways to go… My wife was a school teacher and is still in education. She taught at a religious parochial school for 30 plus years in a conservative area. I read about your mother in law with fifty shades, but was there ever a time when your D/s lifestyle would have been out of the question for you? I’m sure you hear from people who hope to begin a lifestyle like yours…, Best, TomTom
This is a really interesting question. Just to make it clear, my mother-in-law lent me the books but I have never let her know what the result of that was. She may pick up on something I suppose but she has never made that clear. My current lifestyle is pretty secret in terms of my vanilla life. The things that we do have meaning to us but are subtle to the rest of the world. I often think that people notice our connection, and may even think we are quite old fashioned, but the outward signs would probably only be obvious to others in a similar lifestyle.
The day collar I wear is essentially a necklace, and although I have been asked if it has symbolic value, no one has really pressed me further than that. The rules and rituals we have are mostly about self-care and respect so can be easily explained away if they are commented on at all. D/s in the bedroom is exactly that and so, like many couples, we don’t share the details with those outside our D/s circle. Our power exchange is about putting the needs of the other before your own needs so that looks to those who see it as simply being thoughtful, considerate and attentive.
We have shared knowledge of our lifestyle with some family members and also with some friends. One of our children knows but the others just see a healthy relationship, all-be-it with a few quirks. My work means that I am unlikely to be more open than this as people are very judgemental and have a pretty stereotyped idea of how a D/s relationship works. My online existence is something that I am also careful about which is why I try to protect my anonymity on here and on other platforms.
Although I have my moment of epiphany where I realised that being submissive had always been a part of me, I know that it would not have worked in my previous marriage. In that sense, it would have been out of the question then so really, it was finding HL, and the way that we connect and interact which made it all possible. I think knowing what I know now, I would look for a D/s relationship if I found myself back in that situation, but I can only think of one previous relationship where the same sort of elements would have worked as a natural thing.
I am not sure whether or not this answers your question. I am not sure if your issue was with helping your wife to see that it might be desirable, or in terms of letting her feel safe in balancing the needs of her career with her relationship needs. At the end of the day, any relationship has to fit with your lifestyle, commitments and the people you are so you create what works for you. There is no right or wrong to D/s so really you are taking what you have already and adding another layer to that.
How much you share with others or allow them to see is really up to you. I know that if we lived alone things would be far more overt at home, but this wouldn’t affect things for me at work. As it is, we are still raising a family, so unless we are behind closed doors, we are careful about what the world sees. I think that they see the D/s in terms of a way of us working as a team and they see the connection we have, but the sexual charge that is also part is part of the secret that we share, as are the kinky things we get up to.
I have linked some related posts at the bottom of the page in case you would find more reading helpful, but please feel free to contact me if you want to follow up on anything I have included either in my reply or in the links. Good luck, have fun, and thank you for helping to make my world a little kinkier, one question at a time.
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