D/s out of the question

Was a D/s lifestyle ever out of the question? Reader question

Missy, I have spent a great deal of time admiring you and your blog, but have a long ways to go… My wife was a school teacher and is still in education. She taught at a religious parochial school for 30 plus years in a conservative area. I read about your mother in law with fifty shades, but was there ever a time when your D/s lifestyle would have been out of the question for you? I’m sure you hear from people who hope to begin a lifestyle like yours…, Best, Tom


Hi Tom,

This is a really interesting question. Just to make it clear, my mother-in-law lent me the books but I have never let her know what the result of that was. She may pick up on something I suppose but she has never made that clear. My current lifestyle is pretty secret in terms of my vanilla life. The things that we do have meaning to us but are subtle to the rest of the world. I often think that people notice our connection, and may even think we are quite old fashioned, but the outward signs would probably only be obvious to others in a similar lifestyle.

The day collar I wear is essentially a necklace, and although I have been asked if it has symbolic value, no one has really pressed me further than that. The rules and rituals we have are mostly about self-care and respect so can be easily explained away if they are commented on at all. D/s in the bedroom is exactly that and so, like many couples, we don’t share the details with those outside our D/s circle. Our power exchange is about putting the needs of the other before your own needs so that looks to those who see it as simply being thoughtful, considerate and attentive.

We have shared knowledge of our lifestyle with some family members and also with some friends. One of our children knows but the others just see a healthy relationship, all-be-it with a few quirks. My work means that I am unlikely to be more open than this as people are very judgemental and have a pretty stereotyped idea of how a D/s relationship works. My online existence is something that I am also careful about which is why I try to protect my anonymity on here and on other platforms.

Although I have my moment of epiphany where I realised that being submissive had always been a part of me, I know that it would not have worked in my previous marriage. In that sense, it would have been out of the question then so really, it was finding HL, and the way that we connect and interact which made it all possible. I think knowing what I know now, I would look for a D/s relationship if I found myself back in that situation, but I can only think of one previous relationship where the same sort of elements would have worked as a natural thing.

I am not sure whether or not this answers your question. I am not sure if your issue was with helping your wife to see that it might be desirable, or in terms of letting her feel safe in balancing the needs of her career with her relationship needs. At the end of the day, any relationship has to fit with your lifestyle, commitments and the people you are so you create what works for you. There is no right or wrong to D/s so really you are taking what you have already and adding another layer to that.

How much you share with others or allow them to see is really up to you. I know that if we lived alone things would be far more overt at home, but this wouldn’t affect things for me at work. As it is, we are still raising a family, so unless we are behind closed doors, we are careful about what the world sees. I think that they see the D/s in terms of a way of us working as a team and they see the connection we have, but the sexual charge that is also part is part of the secret that we share, as are the kinky things we get up to.

I have linked some related posts at the bottom of the page in case you would find more reading helpful, but please feel free to contact me if you want to follow up on anything I have included either in my reply or in the links. Good luck, have fun, and thank you for helping to make my world a little kinkier, one question at a time.

missy x

If you are reading this and have a question that you would like me to answer, then just head over to my Ask Me Anything page, type it in the box, and hit submit.

I am also aware of the wealth of experience and information available in the blogging world, so if you are reading this and have your own thoughts and advice, then please add them in the comments section.

Teenagers who ‘know’.
D/s with kids
A Risky Business

Posted in Ask Me Anything and tagged , , .


  1. Many conservatives participate in spanking activities. If Tom is just making an assumption his wife isn’t interested, he may be making an unwarranted assumption. Perhaps he needs to know more about what his wife considers appropriate conduct.

    • I think sometimes it can be easy to make assumptions. As people it can be challenging to make ourselves vulnerable and ask for the things we want, especially if we have experienced shame or rejection before. I know that I lived most of my life in a very vanilla relationship because of this. It wasn’t that I didn’t want certain things but when I had tentatively suggested something, the idea had been questioned. Looking back it would not have worked in that relationship regardless of kink, which is why it was so good when I met HL and we were able to talk about all of those things. Thank you for taking the time to comment 😊

  2. I like your position in life. And of course, there is no need to make unnecessary information publicly visible. Or especially, to impose your point of view on someone as the only correct one.

  3. We also don’t share our bedroom shenanigans with anyone in our close relationships, but only those we know are in the same lifestyle, or we have a special relationship with. Like you say, some people who are not in that circle might pick up on it, but most people don’t. Another great answer to a reader question.
    ~ Marie xox

    • Thank you Marie. So many of the posts make me want to ask more questions to find out more about the situation. I am realising that in other situations I ask a lot of questions before I offer my thoughts. Maybe I need to think more about that 😊

  4. Missy,
    Thank you for answering my question in a post, no less! The question had to do with me being interested in a relationship like yours.
    We are empathy nesters in a new town to her, which you would think would be helpful. My wife’s background makes your lifestyle less possible. That prompted the question.
    Your response about relationships holds true. I appreciate your answer, your response will not anything to the challenge ahead of me.
    Again, I admire you, your blog, and integrity. I will continue to enjoy following your story and enjoy your posts.

    • Hi T – thank you so much for replying. I hope it was clear with the ‘Ask Me Anything’ that I would reply in a post. I am also happy to email if you wanted to chat about it further as I have written a response based on what was there rather than finding out more about your own circumstance. If this would be helpful then please drop me a line. I really hope that things go well for you and your wife. Hopefully you can help her to see that could be possible. missy x

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.