I could hear his voice and that became my grounding, my root. I listened and he kept me with him although the words were just like a caress over my skin as they didn’t seem to lodge in my brain to be understood or to have a purpose. In fact it felt like my only purpose was to be present in that moment, experiencing those feelings and existing purely for this and for him.
Vocation: a type of work that you feel you are suited to doing and to which you should give all your time and energy
I saw that May’s 4 Thoughts prompt this time was teachers. I wanted to write about it, but I can’t write the post I want to right now. In her intro she says: If you are yourself a teacher – what ever possessed you? Surely it is a vocation? I really think it is. It is something that I feel is part of me. I cannot separate it from me, and yet, at the moment, it consumes pretty much all that I have. I know that these are “unprecedented times” so it is wrong to judge at the moment, but four weeks in and I still feel that I am reeling.
Under normal circumstances it is not like this. My role is certainly one of the more varied ones. When you support 200 pupils then the issues you deal with are going to be wide-ranging. It involves meticulous planning and spontaneous response. I can’t show my own emotions and have to keep them tightly packaged up, despite being emotionally invested in each one of the people who crosses the door. It is impossible to capture the nature of the job and to explain how I bounce from one thing to the next, keeping it all in my head.
There is a deep emotional investment which means that you can’t stop thinking or caring or doing your best
I could cry for some of these young people and the lives they have. I could wrap them up and bring them home to show them a different way. I could shout and scream with frustration at the world and the way it treats people, at a system which bursts at the seams and heaves and gurgles under the pressure that makes it ineffective for so many. I will wake in the night with the fear and the guilt of something not done or something forgotten and I can’t stop thinking because I feel that I am the only one who is really thinking, and we all deserve thought.
On top of this and the need to continually prove myself against ever changing national targets, standards and initiatives, they plonk the ill thought-out decision of a response to unprecedented times and expect me to absorb all of that as well. Which I do, of course, because I must. Because they still come through my door and it is not their fault. They are as much a victim to this as me, and more, because at least I understand. At least I see how it is and how it must be. They look to me to make sense of it and although I cannot, I keep trying.
It takes precedence over everything and your own needs are pushed to the side as you concentrate on striving to compensate for the failings of others
So it is a vocation. It takes over everything, at times. Recently It has taken my blog and my engagement with others and I am sorry that I have not been here. This is my escape. You are my other world and I have been pretty absent, I know. The past four weeks have been harder than I expected and it has made me ill to the point where I wondered if it was something I could keep doing in its current form. My four week migraine seems to have lifted though and with it comes that clarity that I can cope and I will manage and I should carry on.
So in different times I would write about the reward and the satisfaction and the privilege of being able to work with the honest, inspiring, brilliant young people that I do. They keep me grounded in the things that matter and they give me hope that things will get better. They make me laugh and they surprise me often. They make sure that no day is ever the same and that uniqueness is something to be celebrated. They are refreshing in their innocence, their desire to learn, and their passion for what they believe is right.
At the end of the day, I long to escape to the freedom of my submission
As it is, I planned to write about my escape. I planned to write about the moment pictured above when I cease to be any thing for any one, apart from what HL makes me. I wanted to write about my other self who is free from all the thinking and the weight of the responsibility. Submission is my freedom, my escape and my release, and it is the reason I can do what I do. In submission I can be what I need to be, what I am told to be. I can get lost in the simplicity that all I have to do is whatever is required of me.
I have been trying to prioritise this part of me and find my way to a healthier work/life balance but this will require more focus and concentration I think. HL has been really helping and I am pushing myself to share my kinky thoughts with him when they come, because later when I am wiped out they feel sort of out of reach. One of the great things about D/s is that once shared, it is out of my control. My current loss is not in the desire to be engaged on that level, but more in the lack of energy to really commit much to initiating things, so to have him do that helps greatly.
Help to prioritise what really matters through Dominance and submission is key to things working well
I have shared some of the things I might not usually. Things which will lead to me feeling the erotic humiliation which is such a trigger for me. This has worked pretty well and has actually energised me in a way I wouldn’t have expected, albeit a relatively temporary thing. This is ok as HL is starting to see how it can work in this sort of context and what that means, and he is able to feed it with a comment here and there. It has given us a spark that connects us and it is really important to me to continue to prioritise this, as it is what gives me the strength I need to do the rest.
I have also asked for his help to prioritise the other things that matter to me in terms of self care so there is quite a bit on the programme for the weeks to come. I hope that this will allow me to get back to writing more, reading more and commenting more. We also got a new camera so are trying to think about photography and opportunities to explore more in that sense. I know that I need structure to manage my time and my energy levels and unless this becomes a priority, I risk being lost to the demands that the ill managed process of change in other areas of my life has left me with.
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