How do I go slow without going insane? Reader question

My husband and I are just venturing into the D/s relationship. My type A personality and work don’t make submitting easy outside the bedroom. And his work schedule doesn’t make letting control go easy either. I’m trying to figure out how we take it slow but not go insane! Any help would be great!

Kristen

Hi Kristen,

Thanks for getting in touch. I have to say that patience is a virtue and for good reason. It is very hard to take things slowly when you are excited and caught up and want to have it all right now. In my experience, being able to finally see what you have wanted for a long time within your grasp only adds to this. I can still remember feeling impatience and frustration that HL didn’t seem to want things as badly as I did. I think this is quite common, especially if you have asked your partner for the dynamic as you are probably streaks ahead in terms of your research and your thinking.

It sounds from your question as if your issue is also partly about you letting go and giving up control though. It will be hard for your husband to take control if you are holding onto it. This is something that I also struggled with. The trust in their ability to lead is something which is built slowly over time so I found that I had to create spaces where HL could do this in the beginning. I had been used to organising the house my way and agreeing things for my children and really, domestic and family life was pretty much focussed around doing things they way I felt was best.

Asking HL’s opinion on things was part of this, but also waiting until he did things and not going in after him and changing or correcting them was important. True, they weren’t always done the way I wanted, and sometimes I felt that I could have done better, but at other times his new way worked better than mine so it made it easier to let go. The biggest change came when his work situation caused a bit of a role reversal and I became the main breadwinner. I had to let go of things I had always made decisions about and accept that they were now firmly in his domain. For example, instead of moving things to the ‘right place’ I had to change my thinking completely so that I put them where he wanted them.

HL also found it helped when I deferred to him and became more ‘needy’ of him. I have never been a person who felt particularly needy but involving him and turning to him make a big difference. If you are quite independent like me then this might feel strange but if you don’t do this then there can sometimes be little space for them to be Dominant. I think often that the subtle things are what makes the largest difference. I enjoy more obvious Dominant acts but for him to be like that 24/7 it needs to be a headspace that he is in and I need to support that by seeing him in that way and responding to him accordingly.

I have also found that some sort of transition ritual can help with making the change from the A type person I have to be at work to the submissive person I want to be at home. It was difficult at the beginning but I am much better now at leaving work behind and falling back into a more submissive mindset at home. A ritual is better if it includes both of you as it helps to establish you as his sub. We have tried various things including cock worship, a mantra and removing my clothes and kneeling to wait for him. For a while HL came up with an instruction of how he wanted to be greeted and he changed it every week so we could see what worked.

Really, the best thing for us now is simply him providing some direction when I come in. It seems to help to set the dynamic for us both. If he takes control of my time and tells me what he wants me to do, even if it is to sit and relax and check my social media, I fall into a more submissive headspace. Often we will talk about anything which needs to be talked about and draw a line under that, as being at home is his time. Being part of a community where we can share and learn from others also really helps and it has allowed us to navigate the bumps and challenges more easily when they have come along.

I have linked some relevant posts at the bottom of the page in case you would find more reading helpful, but please feel free to contact me if you want to follow up on anything I have included either in my reply or in the links. Good luck, have fun, and thank you for helping to make my world a little kinkier, one question at a time.

missy x

If you are reading this and have a question that you would like me to answer, then just head over to my Ask Me Anything page, type it in the box, and hit submit.

I am also aware of the wealth of experience and information available in the blogging world, so if you are reading this and have your own thoughts and advice, then please add them in the comments section.

Letting go of Control
Patience and Sub-frenzy
Rules and Rituals
Acts of Service