I have mixed feelings about nudity. I can find being naked really liberating and sometimes I am totally on board with it, but my fragile body image and body dysmorphia can also make being naked an impossibility. My mixed feelings extend to taking pictures. I tend not to publish those which show nudity but we do still take them. If I see a picture where I look ok then it can be a really positive thing, but it can also go the other way. For me, nudity and freedom are linked.
Viewing the Negatives
We have had some instances where HL’s view of the way I look naked has led him to take a picture or a video which has caused an extreme reaction for me. We need to be careful as this can stop play and leave me feeling bad about myself for a few days. It is hard because it probably seems unpredictable to him. If he found the look of me repulsive then he wouldn’t take it or keep it or show me it. I know there is a big disparity in terms of how we both see me but we both accept that I can’t control these sorts of thoughts.
Picturing the Positives
We have also had lots of positive experiences, most of which have worked because HL has been able to push me deeper into my submissive heaspace so that the cognition which usually holds me back is gone. This becomes quite an addictive feeling. I can actually feel attractive and comfortable in my own skin, comfortable with my own nakedness. I know that when I was younger it didn’t affect me so much but there came a point where it was an issue and somehow, there has been no turning back from that.
My body and the way that I feel and see it affects that way that I feel and see myself, so nudity is a push. Recently we went away for a few days with friends. It was a D/s weekend so I knew that HL would want me as close to naked as I was prepared to go. I knew that there would be times when nudity might be possible but also others when it would be way beyond my reach. We compromised with me wearing very thin revealing cover-ups or lingerie for most of the time. However, there were also times when I was able to reveal much more and be comfortable with that.
It was interesting that I was able to do things that I wouldn’t have expected because I was in the space where that becomes possible. For this reason I feel that at the heart of me, I can embrace nudity and the freedom that it brings for me. On the other hand, when I am shackled by the negative thoughts then it feels like an elusive thing which could just easily push me over the edge. My response is extreme and it seems to exist around polar opposites. There is very little compromise. I can either do it, or I can’t.
When I look back, I have been able to take naked pictures out of doors, play the piano, bake and prance around teasing, but these have all been done within the frame of a submissive act. Other times it will be a different story and the parts of me which are locked away by my thoughts are not allowed to roam free. I much prefer the first way and hope that I can be in that space more and more in the future. I like nudity and see it as a positive thing. I actually prefer to be naked than in clothes, but at points it just isn’t something I can do.
Nudity and Intimacy
I do feel that nudity is key to intimacy. I know that I am able to be naked around HL more than I ever have been with other people before. This has created an intimacy that then enables us to explore this further. I am not sure which came first but I am pretty sure that the two are connected for me. I suppose it is part of the same openness with thoughts and feelings which is part of our dynamic. Everything is shared and nothing is hidden.
Sleeping naked was something we did from the beginning. We we did it pre-D/s too because we saw it as being important. There was never anything which was really hidden or off limits and being able to be naked in front of the HL in this way did make me feel vulnerable but also helped to establish the deep connection that we have. He has never allowed me to hide myself and has always enjoyed watching me and been overt in doing that. This has helped to remind me of his acceptance of me which allows me to feel more comfortable with him.
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