When your partner acknowledges their sadistic tendencies, it causes you to think about your own masochistic ones. For me, my true masochism lies in the emotional torment that he can inflict via erotic humiliation. I have written a lot about the way that the thrill of shame works through cognitive dissonance to cause a positive trigger for me, and I have also written about my own relationship between pleasure and pain and the way that usually works. What I wanted though was to try taking more pain. Not for me, but for him. I was interested whether or not pain for him was different than pain for me.
As luck would have it, there was a tiny glimmer of liberty within the chains of lockdown a couple of weeks ago and we actually found ourselves alone for a few hours. It felt like a gift. Possibly a very painful one for me, but a gift nonetheless. HL knew that I wanted to try taking more pain and he was quite excited at the thought. We had spoken about it previously and were really just waiting for an opportunity to see how far we could go. I can take a hand spanking as hard as he can give it. I can also take the crop and the paddle well enough; we didn’t think they would work to really push the boundaries so we settled on the howler as the instrument of choice.
The howler felt like the right thing to try because, although we have a cane, I prefer the thuddy deep way that the howler works. Although I have never orgasmed from the pain of the howler alone, I have been close because of the way that it makes me respond to the feeling. It is kind of like being punched and the depth of the blow seems to work so much better for me than the surface sting of the cane which makes me want to reach back and cover myself over, rather than pushing my bottom up for more. Also, the cane is much more brutal in my opinion and even the sniff of a whistle in the air makes me want to shout, “No!” and run away and hide.
Although HL has admitted enjoying the prick of delight he gets from inflicting and watching me taking pain for him, he also holds back. He has found it hard to manage the ingrained feelings that it is wrong to do such a thing and also the strong love and need to protect me that he feels for me as his wife. These are things that we do get past, but he has always felt that he holds back a little. Admitting his feelings seemed like a big step and it was a real incentive for me to try to react in a way which would help him to push himself further. I wanted to be able to meet the need that I had seen in his eyes at times; it is a sort of darkness that I find really compelling.
By the time he had me lying naked on the bed I was quite excited and felt that my mind was strong. I focussed on the thought of what I wanted to do for him and that seemed to make all the difference. I enjoy the feeling of impact play anyway and have especially enjoyed the howler, so we got into it quite quickly. He started by rubbing my bum in a really gentle way and he also talked me through using my safeword. He hoped to capture some images so had set the camera up on a tripod. As it happened, the movement made it hard to get and most didn’t turn out, but the ones included below do show the way the blows fall.
The howler feels good for HL because he can get a really good swing with it and I think it feels quite physical for him. I could tell that he was letting go more than usual and tried to encourage him by letting him know that I could take more. I was quite caught up in the submissive feelings I had that came from doing what I thought he wanted and that did allow me to push past the point where I might have stopped given the choice. I wanted so much for him to enjoy it. I wanted to be his and to be what he needed in a way which seemed to overwhelm me and take over my more rational thoughts.
I was really wet and aroused when he added he wand which he arranged under me so that I could feel it as I pushed into the bed with each blow. I felt rooted to his voice and to the thought of him and making him happy so I don’t think I would actually have let go enough to orgasm but that wasn’t really the plan anyway. We played like this for the best part of an hour and although we thought we would keep going until I felt I had reached the end point, he stopped just as I approached that because he was concerned about the level of the impact and the effect on my skin which was already very red and welted.
I have written about my sort of subspace before and although I didn’t feel the euphoria that others describe, I was very shaky afterwards and did need quite a bit of aftercare. We messed up in that area and I will write about that in a follow up post, because the safety side of play is so important. I also felt the affects for a few days after. I was quite marked and sore so there was a constant reminder of taking pain for him that made me feel proud of myself and also sort of turned on. He was pleased too and impressed what I had been able to do, so I would have to conclude that taking more pain for him is something that really works for both of us.